This text number is 5814 and the estimated reading time is 12 minutes.
The book shared today is The Power of Self-Care.
Author Christine Neff: Associate Professor of Human Development at the University of Texas. Founder of psychology – the field of self-care. More than a decade ago, she first made self-care a research field and a lifelong research direction, and became a pioneer in this field. Dr. Neff has taught courses on self-care internationally, and her theoretical writings have been translated into more than a dozen languages and disseminated around the world.
We are all more likely to care for others, tolerate others, understand others, and neglect ourselves! Self-care is a psychological ability that people lack under the pressure of today's society. Because of the mainstream status of self-esteem and self-criticism, people cannot treat themselves equally well while treating others well. People are not omnipotent, there are always people who do better than us, after accepting all this calmly, we can feel happiness and happiness again, and can love others more. This is not a chicken soup for the soul, self-care is a real field of study, it has theory and practice, can help us solve some practical problems.
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Why should we take care of ourselves
There are many people in the world who are better than us, and many people always feel that others are better than me and better than me. Occasionally, when the spring breeze is triumphant, when you think about it carefully, you feel that you are useless and do not feel happy?
For example, it is usually good to chat and talk with friends, but as long as it is in public speech or work summary, it is inexplicably nervous to talk about stumbling. Then you will feel that your expression is too bad, and you will keep blaming yourself: others are talking very well, how can they talk badly about themselves? I didn't have any confidence at all, I didn't say anything after thinking about some points, and my performance was terrible.
Research shows that 78% of the world's people are better at others than to themselves. But will self-criticism make things better? Not really. So what's the solution? In a word: stop judging and judging yourself. Stop labeling yourself as "good" or "bad" and accept yourself with an open mind. Treat yourself with kindness, concern and compassion, just as you would a friend or even a stranger. We've never abused anyone like we did with ourselves. Therefore, caring for yourself will make you feel warm and safe, it can make you get rid of negative emotions in a correct way, you will naturally produce strength in your heart, you no longer need to rely on too much external encouragement, but rely on yourself, you can get out of the predicament and negative emotions.
So how to take care of yourself? Caring is the awareness and insight of suffering and the kindness of the suffering. Self-care means that we should treat ourselves with tolerance and compassion. It has three main steps: First, stop self-criticism. Second, seeing that suffering is common to human beings, understanding that we are just human beings. Finally, comfort yourself with positive words and behaviors.
1. Dissolve negative emotions
When people encounter setbacks or are in difficult situations, they will constantly think about the things that are not done well. When our attention is all occupied by negative emotions, we cannot feel happy. There is a negative bias in the human brain itself. When positive information and negative information are in front of us, most of us will pay attention to negative information first, and when integrating all information to make judgments, negative information is also heavier than positive information.
For example, we took on a project, the preparation process progressed very well, and the leaders were very recognized, so we were very happy. But in the process of project development suddenly a problem, resulting in the project needs to improve, this time the leader told you, in the early stage we prepared very well, but this time the problem is a bit big, we should pay attention to it later.
You can't listen to the leader to say that the project preparation is not bad, and you don't think that the leader is actually to mention you, let you improve later, your focus on the knowledge of that sentence this time the problem is a bit big, and then constantly blame yourself and say: Why did I make such a mistake? Why not be more careful? Am I going to be abandoned by the leader, and will he feel that I can't actually take on such a responsibility and regret it? In fact, the leader really thinks that you are still doing a good job, just a flaw, after learning an experience to optimize it.
Valuing negative information is something that we humans have evolved over time. So, don't force yourself to ignore it. Because in primitive societies, if we can't be aware of negative information, then we can't be aware of danger. For example, when you see a tiger, you don't know how to escape.
All emotions will be expressed on the body, the temples will thump when angry, and the teeth cannot help but grit their teeth; the throat is tight when fear, the heart beats faster; when the sadness is dizzy, the eyelids cannot be lifted... Different people's physiological performance will be different, and as they grow, the way of expression may also change, but we will see that emotions and physical responses are linked. At this time, we put our attention on the body, feel the performance of the body, and let the attention quickly withdraw from the negative things.
After feeling the changes in the body under the painful emotions, you feel the painful emotions. At this time, take care of your emotions. There are two ways to care for emotions. The first way, like stroking the head of a crying child, stroke your emotions and say to it, "I know it's hard, I know it's painful, but it's okay, it's okay, everything will be fine." "When you support your emotions, you feel a sense of security: although I did something wrong and I didn't do it well, it doesn't matter.
The second approach is to use some caring imagery. Find a quiet place to sit down and think in your mind of a scenario that will reassure you, which can be real or fictional. Then go and feel the scene, what's in it, what color it is, and slowly quiet your mind. Then, create an ideal image of care and compassion in mind.
When caring for yourself, pay attention not to resist emotions, the more emotions resist, the easier it is to have the opposite effect, to feel the body, to feel the emotions, to care for them. Slowly, when negative emotions come, you will not be drowned in negative emotions, you can take care of your body and emotions, let yourself come out well, and your emotions can be more peaceful.
2. Obtain a stable sense of self-worth and have the confidence to love yourself
There are two very important concepts in individual psychology — a sense of belonging and a sense of worth, which are the two purposes of all human behavior. A sense of belonging is when you have a sense of belonging to your family or to a group, you know someone loves you, you know you're not alone, and you feel safe. The sense of value is that you feel that you can create value, you know that you have the ability to do things, and you can do it well, so that you are not afraid of challenges, and you will enjoy challenges.
The sense of value is a kind of competence in an important field, that is to say, I attach great importance to this field, and at the same time I can make some achievements in this field, then we can form a sense of value. But what is the problem? The problem is that most people's sense of value depends on the evaluation of others and the results of things.
For example, if your parents, leaders, and friends praise you, you feel very happy, and if they ignore you one day, you will feel particularly depressed and sad. In this way, your evaluation of your own sense of value depends on the evaluation and results of the outside world, desperately seeking "win", seeking "best", and seeking "perfection".
This kind of thing is actually quite common around us, a person who is very good at a certain skill, every time he wants to beat others to get praise and rewards. But once one day he stopped winning, his whole state collapsed. So when we put our sense of value on the positive evaluation or outcome of others, our sense of value will be unstable.
The book uses a word, called "self-worth that varies according to the situation", that is, your sense of value is always changing, maybe this second someone praises you, your sense of self-worth becomes higher, but the next second someone points out a problem you have, your sense of self-worth immediately and rapidly decreases, or today you do a good job, think you are awesome, but tomorrow you make a mistake, you feel that you are simply useless. At this time, how to use self-care methods to stabilize your sense of value and emotions?
First, don't judge or judge yourself. We must know that no one in this world is perfect, we must be able to accept and respect the fact that "our image is not always perfect", and we must have the confidence to feel that all people have both advantages and disadvantages, even if they do not do well at once, so what?
Second, we need to focus on the present moment, feel the body in the way we taught before, and pull ourselves out of the painful emotions. External things are changing all the time, success or failure come and go, and neither of them can define us as a person or determine our sense of worth.
3, is to use love to stimulate potential, to help us grow better
In our culture, we often advocate harsh and critical education, and it seems that only in this way can children not be lazy and stimulate the power of learning in criticism. But in fact, this way is not advisable. Why does criticism make progress? There is a very important reason for fear. Because criticism itself is not a good experience, especially some parents, criticizing children will even criticize in public, children have a good face, this kind of criticism is a very big thing in his heart. So in order not to be criticized, they have to force themselves to reach the goals of their parents.
But we should pay attention to the fact that the core motivation for them to achieve this goal is fear, it is fear, and when the power of this fear is too great, they will be anxious, afraid that they will not do well, but special anxiety will make them unable to concentrate on doing things or learning, which will lead to worse results. Moreover, this kind of criticism education will also cause "self-criticism". Children will imitate the language of adults, and when adults keep saying that he can't do it, he himself will say this about himself in the future, which will have a negative impact on the child's growth and his behavior and reaction when he grows up. So whether we are to our children or to ourselves, we should not push people in this way of criticism, but in a caring way.
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The core of self-care
So how do we properly care for ourselves? There are three core points to be aware of when caring: be kind to yourself, understand the commonalities of human nature, and contemplate the present.
1. Be kind to yourself
In fact, self-care as a whole is about being kind to yourself, especially after being frustrated, it is particularly important to be kind to yourself. When frustrated and frustrated, we often self-criticize. Often ruthlessly destroying themselves.
But we actually want to see: although we can't show our best side, but we work hard, this is worthy of respect and self-appreciation. Don't always think about seeking perfection and blame, there are so many things in life and work, you can't do it perfectly, and sometimes it is normal and inevitable to fall in front of this difficulty.
We have to learn to comfort ourselves, and the best way to comfort ourselves is to hug. If it's not convenient for you to hug, you can also gently stroke your arms and cheeks, or gently shake your body. The focus is on giving the body the appearance of conveying love, concern, and tenderness.
2. Understand human commonalities
People are imperfect, they all experience failures, they all go through lows. Many times, when we are in pain, we will isolate us from other people, we can't open our hearts, we can't pay attention to others, only trapped in our own pain, we will feel as if we have walked into a dead end. But this is not the case, especially in times of pain, we should see that in the world, not only I am experiencing pain, everyone will experience pain, all beings are suffering, after seeing this layer, we can establish a sense of association with other people in pain, and this sense of connection will also activate the attachment system, so that we feel connected with other people.
For example, while the author was teaching at the University of Texas, Dr. Neff had a child, Rowan. The couple was very happy at first, but about eight months later, Dr. Neff noticed that something was wrong, that the child would not point to something like other children, and when they called him, he would not turn his head, nor did he usually call his mother.
Dr. Neff thought: Does Rowan have some type of developmental disorder? She took Rowan to the doctor and read a lot of books to study on her own, but there was nothing she could do. Later, she discovered that Rowan was suffering from autism. Autistic children are immersed in their own world, separated from society, most of them cannot take care of themselves, and it is difficult to achieve good results in society. They had hoped that Rowan would be like his parents in the future, get a doctorate, or become a successful writer, but these hopes were shattered, because autistic children and society are separated, it is difficult to adapt to society, and it is more difficult to succeed.
Dr. Neff felt particularly sad at this time, and when she saw other mothers with normal children, she would think: Why are their children normal, why are only my children abnormal? It's so unfair to me. She would feel that she was particularly lonely, that no one understood her pain, and that she felt particularly sad every day.
Later she found out that her state was not right, reflected that it was not okay, and then she cared for herself and cared about the pain she endured. She said to herself: The pains of raising children are common, even if the children are not autistic, there may be other difficulties and pains, such as children's depression, eating disorders, being bullied at school, serious illness and so on.
When she cares about the pain of other parents raising children, she will gradually feel that it is not only me who is so miserable and pitiful, her heart will open and her thoughts will change. Dr. Neff herself said that because of her self-care, she felt that her life had changed.
One was that she began to feel the unpredictability of life. We have no way of knowing what the future will look like, but when she thinks that she is not alone and that all parents will experience the challenge of raising children, she will become softer and calmer inside. All sentient beings are suffering, and if I am not alone, there will be less separation and loneliness. Second, she found herself able to see her situation from a clearer perspective. She will no longer feel that other parents are just better off than me, and I am the most pitiful. Instead, she could feel that the other parents were facing their own problems, some of which might be more difficult than hers. At this time, she will no longer look at the shadow of self-pity, because when she sees the pain of others, she knows: There are people in this world who are more worthy of being cared for than me, and she has a strength in her heart to help Rowan more calmly.
This incident also made her reflect: what is normal? American society feels that autism is not normal, but Dr. Neff can feel that Rowan is a child who knows love and happiness. At this time, is it necessary for the child to meet the public's expectations of him? Children who don't meet expectations must not be able to live well? Not really. Everyone deserves to be cared for, whether it's an autistic child or someone who doesn't meet society's definition of success.
3. Adhere to contemplation
Contemplation is sometimes seen as a form of "meta-awareness," i.e., awareness of awareness. Not simply feeling anger, but being aware that I am now angry; not simply feeling the blisters of my heels, but feeling the blisters of my heels now; not simply thinking about what I should say tomorrow, but being aware that I am now thinking about what I should say tomorrow in the room.
Contemplation is the observance and non-judgmental acceptance of what is happening at the moment. In other words, face reality. We need to look at things themselves as they really are, not increasing, not decreasing, in order to have the greatest – and effective – care for our present situation. Most of our usual states are feelings, emotions, and thoughts. For example, when you read a book, you see a certain paragraph of a certain plot, you think about your own experience, you think of other books that you have read. These feelings, emotions, and thoughts change all the time.
And awareness is a basket that accommodates these changes. We can be aware that we have drunk cold water, we can perceive that when we lift the cup, the cup is cold, we can feel the warm hot water swallowing from the throat, and the hot air spreads to the limbs and organs... The content of awareness will always change, but awareness itself will not change. When we perceive our experiences in this way of meta-awareness, we can feel that everything is changing, drinking water, eating, chatting with people, thinking about things... Nothing is eternal, so what is eternal? We perceive the perception of these changes in themselves.
In this way your own perception becomes the most important tool for your perception of everything. The world is full of things coming and going, our thoughts and feelings are often changing, they are no different from the wind that passes in front of us, we feel the sun and the drizzle, they are all constantly changing. So these external objects—success or failure, what we think and feel—can't actually define us. What can really define us is only ourselves, only our own inner definition of ourselves, the confirmation of our sense of worth.
In this way, your sense of self-worth will be more stable, you will be more stable when facing things, you will not be overwhelmed by the feelings, emotions, and thoughts in front of you, and you will be better able to face the various things that happen in life. If you have a hard time getting into a state of awareness, try imagining a red crested bird flying across the sky, a red crested bird soaring up and down, high and low, and there can be many variations. But the sky was just there quietly, watching the birds change.
At this time, we bring ourselves into the perspective of the sky, and the bird is our feelings, emotions, thoughts, which all change, but the sky that represents awareness does not change. When you can't enter, you think about this painting, think about the sky, and create a stable and unchanging environment in your heart, and you can become more and more tenacious and stronger.
In normal times, you can also choose a fixed activity to maintain contemplation, such as brushing your teeth, commuting, or eating. So when you do this, you don't think about what I'm going to do today, what I did yesterday, but focus on the present moment and mobilize your five senses to feel your current state.
We need to care for ourselves, be merciful and compassionate to our own suffering, and tolerate and soothe the shortcomings in our lives, so that we can create positive emotional experiences.