There was a female supervisor of a foreign company, who was beautiful and very capable, and she had a medium-sized, somewhat balding husband. In married life, her husband often committed domestic violence against her, so the two divorced.
After the breakup, the woman saw a man of her ex-husband's size, she couldn't help but be afraid, numb, trembling, and uncontrollable. And medium-sized, balding middle-aged men are everywhere, and you can imagine the severity of the ex-husband's impact on her life.
Because her ex-husband's violence had occurred in a certain city, she did not dare to return to that city.
As the saying goes: "Once bitten by a snake, ten years afraid of well rope." "Our bodies have an alarm device that automatically records danger information, which records all the people, things and scenes that make us feel unpleasant or dangerous.
And will be the event at the time of the relevant shape, color, taste, smell, everything in the environment, are recorded as unsafe signals, whenever the relevant signals are encountered, the body will automatically react, reminding us to stay away from and escape from danger.
In fact, not every medium-sized, balding man will cause harm to her, she knows it in her heart, and she understands the truth, but she can't control and face this scene.
I believe that there are many readers and friends, and they all know the truth, but they just can't control themselves.
Because many people don't understand that in fact, the most powerful thing that controls people's behavior:
The first is instinct, The second is emotions and desires, The third is the truth.
This sequence that drives our behavior is important for knowing ourselves and understanding others.
The lady who was afraid of a medium-sized, balding man, we accompanied her to the mall, and soon we saw a similar-looking man, she held my hand tightly, trembling, her hands and feet were cold, her face turned white, and she immediately wanted to turn around and run.
I asked her to stand there, focusing on her body, breathing slowly, breathing as I went on to look at the man, who was shopping, didn't look at her, didn't look back, and more importantly didn't attack her.
Her body slowly stopped shaking, her heart slowly calmed down, and her presupposed danger did not occur, a process we call "reality exposure."
In the process, her body re-recorded the signal that not all medium-sized, balding men are dangerous. Since then, she has no longer been afraid of this type of man, and her life is much freer and easier.
If you have similar confusion and distress:
First, measure how uncomfortable you are with 0 to 10;
Second, if the degree of discomfort is 5 to 7, you can try to face it yourself;
Third, if you're not sure, you can find a professional to help you.
When the Wenchuan earthquake hit in 2008, many teachers and students were buried because the cement wall of the school building collapsed. Some survivors began to fear and fear the structure of the concrete brick space after the earthquake.
In fact, these spatial structures are not dangerous in normal life, but because they are associated with traumatic events, they will involuntarily avoid seeing all cement structure buildings, and many people cannot enter schools, office buildings, and even restaurants, and psychological trauma makes them unable to live normally.
For fear of the environment and specific objects, "reality exposure" therapy is very effective. My team and I have handled a large number of earthquake trauma cases in Wenchuan, and I am very pleased that the teachers and students who have been groomed can return to a normal living and learning environment.
There are many more pains that come from who said and did what you can't forget and forgive for a long time. The vast majority of the pain that comes from the relationship between people is because they do not see the whole picture of things, listen to and believe, only understand from their own point of view, and fail to consider it from the perspective of the other party.
The best way to let go of the past is to face the events of the past and think from the perspective of the other person, when he or she did so in what scene, what background, what moment and in what state.
When you really understand why that person is doing it at the time, you generally let it go. In my career of so many years, as long as I am willing to face it, look at the whole picture of things, and consider it from the perspective of the other party, there is basically no barrier that cannot be put down.
Many people, instead of choosing to face it, avoid it, use this incident as a barrier to their relationship with each other, especially between lovers, between husband and wife, between father and son, and between mother and son, no matter how many good things the other party has done, but as long as there is one thing that hurts them particularly much, this thing will replace and cover up all the good things in the past.
One bad thing can erase a thousand good things, plunge both sides into pain, and turn their own good memories into dust.
It's like we travel hand in hand, walking through countless green mountains and rivers, passing through countless picturesque places, and remembering only a piece of on the road.
I don't really blame you, it's instinctive. But we need to know that animals survive by instinct, and people also need to know and understand abilities other than instinct, and then grasp it.
O It is important not to run away or resist because you are afraid. Traumatic events that have a bad effect on us are like abscesses on the body, you can leave it alone, but it hurts when you touch it, and it will accompany you for a lifetime;
O If it is removed, although it will hurt, it is temporary, and it can be done once and for all, and although it will scar in the future, it will no longer hurt.
I have treated immigrants and refugees from 32 countries at the largest mental health center in the United States, and I have done a lot of "let go of the past" treatment; including three years in wenchuan earthquake relief, I have also helped many people who have lost their parents, children, and loved ones.
Through so many cases, it has been proved that there is no past that cannot be put down.
Can't let go of the past, will be like living with a wound that has been bleeding pus and blood, will affect all aspects of life, I sincerely hope that everyone will not carry a traumatic life, do not let one traumatic event like a dark cloud over their life.