親子關系：控制欲太強的父母，究竟毀了孩子什麼？

以下文章來源于李建學心理咨詢，作者李建學心理

L女士，是一位40多歲的母親，她說12歲的兒子最近總會頭暈、嘔吐、犯困，吃什麼就吐什麼，足足瘦了30斤。最近暫時休學了，去醫院檢查過，身體沒啥問題，有醫生建議她找心理咨詢。

這位媽媽說，孩子并非不喜歡學習，朋友也多，老師同學都挺喜歡他，也不是恐懼學校，那麼，問題出在哪裡了呢?

她表現得非常理智，喜歡講道理，對兒子分析得頭頭是道，并自認為分析得沒錯。

當我想了解一些孩子的情況時，她多次打斷我——你别說話，先聽我說。并且表現出這樣的态度：我非常懂我的兒子，兒子隻要聽我的，就會好。

甚至，她在決定帶孩子做心理咨詢前，就已經想好了，要“指導”心理咨詢師該怎麼做。

此時，我感覺頭暈暈的，内心有點不舒服和排斥感。我感歎，僅是短暫地聽她說，就讓我如此難受想要躲開，她的孩子該有多麼痛苦啊。

當她這麼強勢把自己的觀念和想法強行地灌進來，入侵孩子的心理邊界，孩子會本能地反感和抵觸，可是言語無力，又無法去消化這些情緒，嘔吐、頭暈、犯困等是一種自然而然的反應。也許隻有孩子“生病”了，媽媽才能停下來，讓孩子暫時有一些自己的空間。

控制欲太強的父母，對孩子的傷害有多深?

控制欲極強的父母，培養出來的孩子有兩個方向：孩子要麼自暴自棄，毫無活力，隻能被動地接受他人的指令；要麼就是叛逆逃離，凡事都和父母對着幹。

無處可逃的孩子

電視劇《小歡喜》中的母親宋倩，讓人印象深刻，因為她的控制欲太可怕了——不僅為女兒英子制定了周密的學習計劃，而且對女兒課餘的一舉一動都嚴格管束，希望女兒能夠按照自己的規劃成長。

宋倩為了阻止英子去南方的大學，母女倆鬧得很不愉快。英子被逼得喘不過氣來，抑郁得想要跳河自殺。哭着大喊自己的心裡話：我就是為了逃離你。

可能英子心裡也清楚，如果再不逃離媽媽的控制，她往後的人生事業婚姻孩子，都将會被死死掌控着，完全失去自我，失去選擇。

在生活中，很多父母以愛之名義掌控孩子，那這樣的愛也太沉重，太令人窒息了。

這些孩子無法恨父母，也無法愛父母，想逃卻無處可逃，内心說不出來的壓抑和無力，陷入抑郁中，幾乎動彈不得。

精神崩潰的孩子

在電視劇《女心理師》中，有一位以為自己患有暴食症的女來訪者蔣靜。

蔣靜獲得鋼琴獎項無數，經常出席各種表演。

然而，她并不喜歡鋼琴，喜歡架子鼓。她不喜歡媽媽給買的保守裙子，喜歡的是吊帶背心。她有喜歡的男孩，卻到了30歲都沒有談過戀愛。

這一切，都是因為她的媽媽。

媽媽一直全方位無死角地監督她、控制她。

不僅逼她練習鋼琴。十幾歲了，還喂她吃飯，給她梳頭發。三十歲了，還管她穿什麼衣服，去哪裡演出，還沒收她的手機。

多年的壓抑直到瀕臨崩潰，轉化成了蔣靜的暴食。每次她覺得焦慮，壓力很大的時候，都會用食物填滿自己。吃完之後，害怕長胖，瘋狂去催吐。

暴食又催吐的過程，其實不是身體在吃和吐，而是精神在反複崩潰。

用傷害自己的方式懲罰父母

有位青少年來訪者因為抑郁問題被父母帶來咨詢，她經常拿刀在手腕上一刀一刀地劃，她有一位控制欲極強的媽媽，凡事都管着她。她一度陷入重度抑郁中。

她說，自己就像一隻一直被關在籠子裡的小鳥，沒有自己的思想，自己做什麼說什麼都是錯的。我無法決定任何事情，隻有在用刀劃傷自己的時候，我才感覺到自己的存在。

她通過自傷短暫地控制自己的身體，即使精神的主體還是一片荒涼。

有一句話叫做“我傷害不了我父母，是以通過傷害自己來懲罰他們。”

因為恐懼懲罰，但同時又害怕失去父母的關心和愛，是以更加不能表達對父母的不滿，也從來不敢去批評、指責父母。

在這樣内外雙重折磨之下，孩子的内心往往承受不住，是以會選擇傷害自己來換取内心的甯靜，求得一種解脫感。

更可怕的是，有些人明明已經成人，卻仍遭受着父母超乎限度的精神操控。

有位來訪者說，自己的父親非常控制，是以自己成年後便逃得遠遠地。她的姐姐卻留在家裡，即使姐姐比自己聰明能幹，卻因為父親的糾纏撕扯和捆綁，導緻生活非常糟糕。

就像電影《黑天鵝》中的妮娜和母親，一個控制欲強到幾乎病态的家長，将孩子當作自己的傀儡，她想“塑造”女兒，最後卻也讓女兒摔得稀碎。

看似妮娜在母親的控制下變成了一個“完美”乖順的女孩，但實際上這一切都隻是表象。乖乖女叛逆起來比那些從小就不學好的要可怕得多。

廣州聽說吧心理咨詢結語：

很多父母在教育孩子過程中，習慣于控制，或者用父母的權威逼迫孩子，卻忘了再小的孩子也是獨立的個體，擁有自己的想法和意願。

父母和孩子需要共同成長。想讓孩子擁有獨立的人格，迫切需要父母學會降低自己的控制欲。

要知道，孩子的成長中，愛與自由，缺一不可。

▎本文為廣州聽說吧心理咨詢中心原創文章，已做原創保護，轉載時請标明出處，未經許可擅自使用者，本公司保留依法追究的權利。

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聽說吧心理機構，16年口碑相傳

來訪者遍布國内外

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