The Paper's reporter Yin Lin
Changing children is hard, and efficient methods are often of little use.
Soon to enter August, Ms. Qiu, a mother with a sixth-grade baby, helplessly complained to her colleague Lao Tian: "Look, they are all junior high school students, and they have no use in studying." Summer vacation homework is still more than half of it, busy shopping and playing games every day, what to do later? ”
"My family is also, a week before the end of the summer vacation, I fought hard to make up for my homework, and I used to help him get it together." This year, I don't think so, after all, they are eleven or twelve years old, and they must be adjusted. Confiscate mobile phones and iPads, and write homework before you can take them back. As a result, well, the writing was very fast, but the word was like a worm crawling, and it was perfunctory at first glance, and it made me angry. If you have this attitude of doing things, you really don't dare to be optimistic about reading and working in the future. "Old Tian, who has pity on the same disease, can't come up with a good solution."
Without teacher supervision, summer homework has become a headache for many parents. When children are young, they are often more obedient, and in adolescence, on the one hand, they have a subjective opinion and begin to pick and choose homework, on the other hand, they lack the self-control to make reasonable arrangements for homework and complete it persistently, and the homework is either procrastinating or perfunctory. More importantly, some schools' senior summer homework often has a connecting relationship with the content of the next semester, which means that children need to review the old content and prepare for the new content, if it is not completed seriously, it may affect the pace of learning in the new semester, and the lack of serious learning attitude and self-discipline will also affect the future middle school entrance examination and college entrance examination, which is a big trouble.
No wonder "summer vacation homework" has become a headache for parents such as Ms. Qiu and Lao Tian. However, when it comes to "change", it often means difficulty.
"It's easy to make a flag on your own in the New Year, not to mention that you still have to change a child who is half the same."
"I can't change it, I can't change it perfunctory!"
"Don't say change the child, just look at our unit, spend millions to find a consulting company, the problem is very accurate, but half a year has passed and it is still the same."
Psychological reminders about "change"
In the eyes of Robert Kagan, a well-known psychology professor at Harvard University, complaining is not a bad thing — change is inherently difficult. A renowned expert in the field of development and change, Robert Kagan has published a book dedicated to change: Deep Change: 7 Languages that Make Change Really Happen. In this book, he tells people in a serious tone: before some more profound changes have occurred, you must change something, you will encounter some resistance, which is the law of individuals, families, and organizations to maintain a dynamic balance. For some problems, particularly targeted, obviously low-cost solutions are often futile and uneconomical, as problems are repeated in different ways. Unless you can recognize the dynamic "immune system" that constantly produces resistance to change factors, we can't have any major changes.
This sentence is transplanted to parent-child education and summer vacation homework, which means that the use of scolding, confiscation of mobile phone iPads, good words of persuasion, strict rules and rewards and punishments and other conventional methods can not change the child's perfunctory habits of procrastination, even if forced by various pressures, the child can change for a while, can not change a lifetime. This kind of helplessness is very normal, because this is the truth of "change". However, Robert Kegan offers a new way of thinking about bypassing children's "bad behavior" and seeing something more central, creating a more supportive space for children to develop into self-disciplined and self-controlled people.
If you're interested in such an approach, you might want to take a look at this reminder first:
1. This guide is not efficient for change. According to Robert Kegan, efficient methods are often useless when it comes to actually changing a person, and real change takes time.
2. People need to take the spearhead away from changing others and use their strength elsewhere. Just like playing baseball, although the goal of parents is to change the child's procrastination and perfunctory, but you can't go straight to the goal to play home, you need to run through first, second, and third base before you can get close to your goal.
Breaking the myth: "Parents know what's right"?
Children's summer homework procrastination, perfunctory sloppiness, worried parents may think that this is the child is lazy, lack of perseverance and willpower, if adults continue to indulge and ignore, it will not be able to cultivate good learning habits, and future academic performance will also be affected.
Parents' words make sense, and reality may prove them, but if parents take this idea as the truth itself (rather than the truth we see) and think that it is right and the only one, then the solution to the problem will naturally deduce the script we are familiar with: grumpy parents may scold their children for being lazy, not studying well, and being irresponsible for learning; parents who value parent-child relationships and pay attention to educational methods may knock on the side and replace criticism with encouragement, but the ultimate goal is still a well-behaved child. Quickly correct the bad problems; parents who know how to manage have strengthened the formulation of rules and rewards and punishments, and strengthened daily supervision... Many times, parents will find that these methods may not necessarily lead them to where they want to go, but will instead drift away from their adolescent children.
In fact, it's not just that we feel right, it's someone else who needs to change, children think the same way. When parents point out their problems, children with self-esteem will always exert their strength, both explicitly or implicitly, to protect themselves.
"Yes, I also want to be a self-disciplined person as my mother said, but if I do this, I will worry that I have lost control of my life, and I feel that I am not myself." 」
"Why do you think it's my laziness and perfunctory, and why not say it's because my summer vacation homework is too boring?"
"I'm tired enough to stop for a while during the summer vacation?"
"Doing these assignments is really boring and painful, and I don't want to do it, but I actually want to avoid feeling incompetent."
"I'm not a kid anymore, don't go all day and night, okay?"
"If you want to be self-disciplined, you have to work hard yourself!"
To weaken the resistance movement of children, unless we recognize this – "what I see is not the only truth, just a possibility", it will be difficult for us not to talk to the child from the perspective of accusation and criticism.
In this era of emphasis on paternity and motherhood, parenthood is really hard. Originally just an ordinary person, because they are married and have children, they are automatically upgraded to the authority that must have the correct concept of raising children. Parents have a great responsibility: we have to know that what kind of behavior is problematic for our children, we also need to let our children understand that these criticisms are for their future, and we must also know how to solve problems and give children the help they really need, after all, we have to be responsible for their children.
In fact, we simply don't know the right answer, or we often have only a half-understanding of our own experience. And this attitude of thinking that they have the truth, in addition to putting more pressure on parents, will also lose their curiosity about their children.
Real change is hard to build on this kind of conversation.
"Small changes" need to pave the way for "big support"
People often think that to change a person, it is necessary to clearly tell the consequences of the other person's actions and the views of others, thus triggering change. However, you will find that you have said enough to be frightened, and the other party is still going his own way.
"If you continue like this, your study will definitely regress!"
"If you look at the writing like this, the teacher will definitely scold you!"
"It's all for your own good, or study more, don't waste the whole summer vacation."
It's reminiscent of an old fairy tale.
The wind and the sun bet on who had the ability to take off the coats of passers-by. The wind blew up enough strength to almost roll away the coat, but it was wrapped more tightly by passers-by; the sun was not very strenuous, raising a smile and emitting light, and the passers-by voluntarily took off their coats under the warm light: it was too hot, who wanted to wear it!
Child psychologists usually remind teachers and parents that when we want children to change, we must first protect children's emotions, try to reduce children's sense of shame, enhance their autonomy and self-efficacy, and let children feel that I am good, awesome, and important in the relationship, so as to create a sense of belonging to the relationship. This is what education researcher Marilyn Watson calls developmental discipline because the ultimate goal of doing so is to help children truly develop stronger abilities.
Robert Kegan echoed this view: change needs to include a combination of challenges and support for two systems. If the parent can always notice what positive behaviors the child has done, and sincerely express his careful observation and the feelings that these behaviors bring to the parents, then the child will benefit from these words and experience the sense of value and importance - the parents are not evaluating me, but saying: "Look, I have been paying attention to you, I like and appreciate you." ”
Although children procrastinate and perfunctory in completing homework, as energetic teenagers, they must also have various behaviors that show their self-control, self-assertion, and self-motivation.
For example, they always remember the start of a new show and never miss it, which is not an easy task;
For example, they can meet friends and arrange play projects to spend a pleasant afternoon, which also requires strong social adaptability, self-control and scheduling ability.
If you observe this, you may wish to give feedback to the child: "I am quite surprised and appreciative, because I am far from being able to do this at your age." Then you are stockpiling positive forces for the "resistance" of unloading your child.
Rules are important, breaking rules is more important
If you want your child not to be so procrastinating and perfunctory, it is of course necessary to establish a clear set of rules and regulations. In fact, procrastination and perfunctory may not only be such characteristics of children, parents will also have signs of behavior in family life that are seen and imitated by children. They may think, "I sometimes think that summer vacation homework is not so important in the minds of my parents, in fact, I think many things are not as important as adults say." ”
Clear rules ensure that both parents and children have a consistent attitude towards summer homework, which also makes children feel that there is a formal commitment here: what to do and what not to do.
However, if you feel that the rules are drawn up to prevent violations, catch "bad behavior", kill procrastination and perfunctory, then, unfortunately, you have fallen into the design of "popular scripts": children are supposed to complete a certain amount of homework every day, but they have only been implemented for 3 days and then they have returned to their old ways. What do you do at this time? Hurry up and punish? Does accusing a child of talking count? Lost hope in this matter?
If you want to make a deep change, you have to learn to use the "value of violation." Robert Kegan's view is that there is rarely an experience of feeling fair and supported from breaking the rules, boosting self-esteem, and nurturing new efforts. And this new experience can help us build a space to evolve ourselves.
When parents find that their children are delaying or perfunctory again, don't think about solving the problem quickly, dealing with this behavior, or blaming themselves for not being competent, it is best to continue to observe, see how the problem solves the problem between the child and the parents, stay in this contradiction for a while, and ask yourself an important question: What's wrong?
For example, you may find that the dryness and boredom of homework once again stimulates the child's frustration, and he lacks the skills to resist temperament, but he also has a belief in trying to avoid being found helpless by others, so he uses the old method of escape: hiding helplessness and frustration, acting perfunctory and procrastinating - you can say that I am lazy and not serious, but you can not say that I am stupid or lack of ability. Adults who did not know the truth blamed each other, which in turn continued to prompt the secret to continue to be sealed. As a result, adults are trapped in an unsolvable dilemma, and children are also trapped in an unsolvable predicament.
The motivations and dilemmas that really affect behavior are temporary if they are not seen. Deep shifts take place in a space where we can create a constant dialogue in which parents realize that all of our worries and anxieties are due to the fact that we have a set of visions of the world that we see ourselves, and that children also have a set of perspectives that they see about the world. When these two sets of vision can talk, we can understand each other little by little, support each other little by little, and find a point of convergence between the two sides: Oh, you do this because you have this idea. I also have my own opinion on this matter, and I hope you can hear it too. How to solve the needs of both of us, we come together to discuss little by little.
Finally, to put it mildly, Robert Kagan, who created the theory of deep transformation, has applied this approach to organizational and leadership development in business management with some success.
Editor-in-Charge: Chen Hua
Proofreader: Zhang Liangliang