Thirteen years ago, the movie "Do Not Disturb" exploded as soon as it was released.
The love affair between Ge You and Shu Qi has made countless viewers reminisce endlessly.
Qin Fen, played by Ge You, is a 48-year-old bald middle-aged man with an unassuming appearance, except for his poor mouth, everything else is unremarkable.
And the smile played by Shu Qi is a sexy flight attendant, with a fairy appearance, many suitors, just Fang Hua Zhengmao.
They look outwardly and don't match. Some people even call this movie "Uncle Ge taught Di Si how to chase beautiful women".
But these two people who were not optimistic about it eventually walked together.
Many people can't help but ask: "Why does Xiaoxiao fall in love with the middle-aged bald man Qin Fen?" ”
In the relationship, what does true love look like?
Why can't many people meet "true love" in their entire lives?
Many people, all their lives, are on the road to finding "true love".
Go around, turn a thousand times.
Plato used a myth in the Drinking Book to allude to the source of this phenomenon.
Humans, he said, were originally spherical, and Zeus ordered everyone to be cut in half to prevent being threatened by humans.
Since then, everyone has been constantly looking for the missing one, and then staying together for the rest of their lives.
And this primitive desire, with the change of the times, is now more and more engraved with the traces of the pursuit of self-realization, but also make the choice of mate more and more "externalized".
For example, men must be "rich and have status", marrying such a man is the greatest achievement in life; the future wife should be "beautiful and slim", so that marrying home can prove their excellence;
Before I had time to ask my inner needs, I hurriedly followed this template to find a spouse, thinking that this was the most reliable choice...
However, when all the "external" conditions are met, can he be identified as true love?
In "Do Not Disturb", Xie Ziyan, a married man who fell in love with Xiao Xiao before, is handsome and golden, very manly, and looks very compatible with xiao Xiao on the outside.
However, he could not keep his promise of love, and when Smile asked him again and again for the promise, he would only say, "Please believe me, give me some more time." ”
This sentence seems to give Xiao Xiao hope, but it is just an excuse to trick her.
He was simply not brave enough, nor could he give Smile a truly safe and stable love.
After waiting for 3 years, I finally understood that my efforts had been in vain...
This love-unable relationship finally extinguished the expectation and hope for love in Xiaoxiao's heart, and made her suffer a lot of hurt and pain.
We also see from this:
Looking for a spouse who looks like a match by "external labels" is not necessarily the person who really understands himself and can meet his own needs.
When expectations are disappointed, you will be like a wounded child, immersed in the gray inner world, alone and desperate.
When the internal needs match, the relationship can be stable for a long time
In essence, every truly long-term and stable relationship is a match between personality and internal needs, and it is also a spiritual door-to-door pair.
As psychologist Karen said, love is a precise value matching game.
In "Do Not Disturb", Xiaoxiao is very idealistic about love, and his stubbornness to feelings is even worse than Qin Fen.
Two people who have ideals for love tacitly sit down to drink together and share the most secret story of their lives.
When Qin Fen learned about the cheerful smile on the outside, in fact, his heart was still immersed in the sadness of lost love for a long time, Qin Fen did not despise her as a third party, but was very distressed about her.
He also said to her sympathetically, "I have never seen anyone dumber than you." ”
Xiao Xiao felt Qin Fen's sincerity and established a tacit understanding with him like a confidant.
Similarly, Qin Fen also saw the purest side of this girl.
She is a "silly girl" who is the most important in love, which makes Qin Fen want to be good to her more and more.
He accompanied Xiaoxiao to eat, to drink, to play, and also pretended to be Xiaoxiao's current boyfriend, to laugh at the ex-boyfriend's home.
He also took her to Hokkaido, Japan to enjoy the beautiful scenery and visit the church...
Smiling and smiling in the warm company of Qin Fen, the frost in his heart gradually disintegrated.
Although at first He smiled and said to him, "It's hard to see you ten times." ”
But in the later relationship, it was melted by Qin Fen's love, and the inner wounds were healed.
In real life, because intrinsic values match, there are many examples of connection.
Delphin Space once received a visitor.
Because of her "daughter body", she was rejected by her parents as soon as she was born, and she was always ignored when she grew up, and she was forced to abandon school by her parents after finishing high school.
He has a low education, is often despised outside, and his work and life have been embarrassed several times.
By chance, she met a man.
This man, 5 years older than her, saw her "inferiority" to female identity in the middle of the relationship.
Therefore, in the trivial matters of life, give her all encouragement and attention.
She is a very skillful person and has a great talent for drawing. But before that, she herself had never found out, and it wasn't until the man praised her that she had the belief that "I wasn't bad either".
He encouraged her to play this specialty and eventually make a living from it, not only to find a good and decent job, but also to find her confident self.
After becoming more emotionally positive and optimistic, she is also more accepting of her own shortcomings.
Good intimacy is a wide container.
It is very tolerant, not only to meet your value needs, but also to allow you to be "reborn" in the healing of the river of love, to empower yourself.
How to make intimate relationships self-empowering?
Professor Brook, a psychologist, once mentioned that good intimacy is not only an effective source of strength, but also a catalyst for life, which will stimulate our creativity and courage, and encourage us to take the initiative to explore and discover new meanings in life.
In the movie "Do Not Disturb", Xiao Xiao draws strength from Qin Fen, and he does not want to be tied up by the shadows of the past.
On a dimly lit night, on the cliff shore where the sea breeze revealed the fishy smell, on the grass where she had once made a sea oath with Mr. Xie, she climbed over the fence and jumped.
She chose to commit suicide.
When the sea soaked her body and she couldn't breathe, she was helpless, and her mind shone clearly under the water, and then she didn't think about anything, and buried herself, buried the past.
Fortunately, the last smile came back alive.
With a new life, she was completely open to this man in his forties, "Qin Fen", and everything in love and life started from the beginning.
The power that good relationships bring to us is our positive order to the universe, followed by the positive feedback that the universe sends to us.
It will tell you that you deserve to be loved.
There is a woman in her hometown who has been living a very comfortable life before, and she does not pursue too much for the future.
But since falling in love with a very motivated and intelligent man, in order to be worthy of each other, the enterprising spirit has been activated by love.
Under the guidance of the man step by step, she drove full horsepower and immersed herself in learning sales, business management, etc., which she had never been exposed to, and her knowledge structure and ideological realm were greatly improved.
After a few years of marriage, she and her husband worked together to create their own mother and baby shop, exuding full of confidence and elegance.
Later, the couple also worked hard all the way to the first-tier big cities, opened hundreds of maternal and infant retail chain stores, and harvested a great harvest of family and career...
High-quality intimacy is the source of self-strength, no matter how weak and powerless you have been, you can be empowered and grown from it.
But most importantly, there is your ego's desire for fulfillment, which is a great force that moves you forward.
Complete yourself and be your lover
Good intimacy empowers us to a certain extent.
The perfect self, on the other hand, teaches you to love yourself well before you love them.
Xu Zhimo once wrote, "I will search for my only soul mate in the vast sea of people." I'm lucky. No, I'm going to die. ”
This poem has pierced the hearts of countless people.
Indeed, not everyone is so lucky to meet a partner who matches their inner match and resonates with their soul, and if they find it, they are lucky, and if they can't find it, they have to surrender to fate.
I have too high expectations and fantasies about the relationship, but I am afraid that once I fail, I will be even more powerless to bear it.
Therefore, the most suitable relationship may not be what kind of partner we have found, but what kind of self we have cultivated.
1. Exposing vulnerability increases the experience of being seen
In a relationship, in order to take care of each other's emotions, we will suppress many of our real thoughts and feelings, and over time, it will become a trauma in our subconscious warehouse.
Psychologist Branden believes that "being seen" is the cornerstone of the continued value of love.
We need to be seen, and we need to learn to pick the "right" ones to expose our vulnerabilities and needs.
You can tell them: "What happened to me", "I am helpless", "I need love", "your support is important to me"...
As you pour out, they go deeper into your heart, empathize with your encounters and powerlessness, and give you the warmth and support you need.
This experience of being "seen" is a prerequisite for self-growth.
You feel understood, accepted, empathized, healed and changed already happening.
2. Practice active hypnosis to get your self-love back
The circumstances of life are changing, we can't change what happened in the past, and we can't be sure if the future doesn't happen.
If we are always obsessed with the past and worried about the future, we may not be able to stand in the present and cherish the present.
The French psychologist Emil Coue said: "Every day, every hour, we can make ourselves better and better in various ways." ”
Practicing positive self-hypnosis can effectively help us change our subconscious mind and build positive belief systems and behavior patterns.
The first step is to pre-set a positive cue of self-hypnosis — assuming, "I'm the best, I love myself."
The second step is to sit on the bed and take three deep breaths before falling asleep in the middle of the night - inhaling... Out... inhale... Out... inhale... Out...
The third step, at this time, when your mind is quiet, silently recite this hint -
"I'm the best, I love myself."
……
Repeat it ten times before going to sleep, keep practicing every day, and after a while you will feel more confidence and self-love growing within you.
In the past, you were denied and hurt by others, and you may fall into self-attack and doubt that you are not worthy of being loved.
But after active self-hypnosis practice, you'll have a new idea: "It doesn't matter if I can get his love or not, because I've fallen in love with myself enough." ”
So, my dear, don't ask when that destined lover will come, when you fall in love with yourself, the whole world will love you.
Planning | Fish sweet
Edit | Amy