Twenty-three pages after "Incense"

How can it be so dark? Unfamiliar people must first ask inexplicably, and then adapt their eyes to see clearly where the waters are. Come in, my bed is behind the door. There were six beds in this room, four against the wall, and two horizontally obscuring the entire window, and no one looked out. When the sun is shining directly, the light in the house is weak. Because we all use dense mosquito nets and a layer of cloth on the outside, so every bed is a cabin, and every bed has become a hole, a world of one person. On the edge of the pillow was a book or a magazine, or a sweater was knitting wool. Such an environment: my dormitory.

Everyone tends to love such independence, like their own decision in addition to the long secluded, there is a person's freedom and simple at will. Where to find this suitable corner, unparalleled like the tranquility of the remote sea.

I lived in this bed for a week, and I didn't want to stand up on my feet, and I was much haggard.

I don't know how to solve the problem like a vaulting horse monkey in front of me, it is endlessly hair loss, quite distressed. It is how to face the people they know, their eyes are looking for me, looking for what I am missing, they do their best, like reading, they can't open their eyes, after looking for it, they are sure, there is no, it is ok.

It's even more difficult to bear the irritation embedded in the thinking, which I think is better, including myself. It is even said that it has completely destroyed the precious, I will have in the future, a very large piece, called the future of things. This is a crucial thing. Now I have no future, then I am equivalent to no goal, what goal? It's what everybody says I have a bright future, that goal. Now not only is it not said, it is said that it is lost, I am prescribed to go in the bad guys, sleep with men, and not yet get married.

I thought like this, I was tired of old age, if I could leave here and go to a place where no one knew me, then I would have a future again, but I would have no way to go, I had to work to support my family, take care of my brothers, I could only stand up and face the care, rummaging, hanging, smeared with color, silhouette can not escape.

My brother came over that day and he said, "My mother said that she would beat you to death and feed you to a donkey, and she would not let you marry that person, and my mother said let me see how you are." "The last sentence is another breakdown in my past few days, and I am in the bed hole and blame myself, maybe I was wrong.

I hated it all these times, and even more so now. Why do roommates come back from work talking loudly, eating is also a bar chirping and chewing endlessly, and the footsteps in the corridor are doing what they are doing. Hate that office building, it stands with something useful, useless, to be destroyed quickly, only that, whatever.

From the perspective of others is a very serious thing, I do not fit, there are also disagreements. The only struggle was my mother's sadness, she couldn't be proud of my future anymore, and her heart now bears the pain I've experienced, and it's more extensive, that's a certainty. I collapsed, held on to the helplessness of my heart, deeply sorry for my mother, and in a week, it will take longer than a week.

I went home with my brother. Bend down and come in the gate. The mother was feeding the ducks, and there were five of them. Throwing them corn kernels, Gada rattles, they speak to the loose earth, echoing each other, and the corn kernels are soon gone, which has to do with their personality. My mother didn't look at me and didn't say anything.

When I went to bed at night, my mother said, "You will cut off contact with him tomorrow, hear me?" Didn't you hear it? "I don't say a word, stuffy for sure, no, these days, all the way back I'm thinking about him, just stuffy. Did the mother hear it out loud? I got up and got dressed, got on my bike, and took the black road. The night is really mysterious, the spring is still early, and the wind is like a minion at night. Walking to the first culvert, which was a place with many graves, my scalp was crispy and tingling, like a figure running toward me, whirring and whirring. I jumped down, turned around and ran back, and the bike couldn't be ridden, couldn't stop, and came home with a loud bang. After listening outside the door for a while, quieter than when I came out, I went into the barn again and sat on the corn leaf. Cold, how to hold myself is cold, the more I sit the more cold, in addition to cold, but also I am more brave. Why cut off contact, he said that he would be good to me later, he began to change now, I don't believe him I am disgusted, no matter who. I told him to shut up without thinking, that's because you don't understand him. I was so excited in the cold that I was indignant for Wang Feng, and I missed him, as if he were in front of me, and I forgot where I was at this moment, or the iron bed. In the night I was sweet again, touching my flesh and not myself.

My mother may have slept, and I crept in, touched and lay down, and heard my mother tossing and turning and sighing, one, two, and I fell asleep with a straight face.

Later, when my uncle came to the house, my brother said that my mother was crying, and he was very sad, saying that if my father had lived, he would not have done so, and that there was no way to discipline me well.

Many years later, my mother hated Wang Feng and gritted her teeth and scolded him, but she didn't say a word that I was begging for food.

to be continued

2021.11.6