Friends are friendly, I am Miao Baoping, a psychological counselor, and the name of the network is like dust.
Today we continue to read dr. Yue Xiaodong's book", "The Feeling of Ascending to Heaven: I Did Psychological Counseling at Harvard University", "Chapter 4 The Dissolution of the Myth of Love".
body:
Love is one of the noblest emotions of human beings. And the true meaning of love is often obtained in painful tribulations. The following consultation notes describe how a perfectionist in love recognizes his own shortcomings from a crisis of love and accepts the flaws of others. He withstood the severe test of love and became more mature. As a counselor, I also enhanced my understanding of the essence of psychological counseling".
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Charlie is a third-year student at Harvard University. He sat wearily in front of me, his eyes covered with blood, and a dark blue on his forehead. He had the face of an ancient Greek beauty, a burly figure, and an elegant demeanor. At first glance, it is the kind of boy who is very well tutored and very pleasing to girls.
As soon as Charlie came up, he told me he hadn't slept well for three days because he had found out last Wednesday that his girlfriend, Helen, was having an affair with another boy. This made him furious and fell into extreme depression for days, sitting restlessly. He never imagined that Helen would betray him in such a way that the myth of their five years of love would be destroyed.
He has no choice!
Charlie told me in as gentle a tone as possible about what had happened in the past few days.
Perfectionism and self-centeredness
It turned out that last Monday, a friend of Charlie's called from home and told him that Helen often went out on the streets with a boy. Charlie was surprised to hear the news and decided to go back and see for himself.
He quietly returned to his hometown.
Under the guidance of her friends, she soon discovers that Helen is really on the street with a boy, and the movements are intimate. He put on his sunglasses and drove quietly to find helen at the boy's house and didn't come out at two o'clock in the night. Unable to bear it, Charlie honked the car horn and caused the family to run out.
When they loudly rebuked Charlie for how he could be so unsophisticated, he walked up to Helen without a sound, took off his sunglasses, and went forward to slap her. As a result, the boy immediately pounced, and the two wrestled together. Under Helen's cries and the family's strong pull, the two stopped.
After that, despite Helen's strong explanation, Charlie drove straight home and took the train that night back to Harvard University.
When he returned, Charlie, as if he had lost his soul, spent the night in the bar drinking alcohol, not talking to his classmates or answering calls from Helen. All these anomalies attracted the attention of the counselor in his dormitory, who immediately sought the help of a counselor.
I expressed great agreement with Charlie's state of mind at this moment, and I also won his trust in me. We agreed to meet once a week to talk about it until the talks were done.
Charlie grew up in a political family in a state in the eastern United States.
Four generations in the family had attended Harvard University, three had served as members of the U.S. Congress, and his father was a close friend of then-Vice President Gore Note, who was the current member of the state's House of Representatives. Coming from such a family, Charlie had two major aspirations in his life, one was to attend Harvard University, and the other was to enter politics.
Because of his outstanding appearance and prominent family, Charlie has been the "Prince Charming" in the minds of girls since he was in middle school. Among the many admirers, Charlie has a soft spot for Helen. This is not only because Helen is incredibly beautiful, but also because she is extremely intelligent.
The two of them can be described as a pair of bi people in the school, and they are the envy of all their classmates. Charlie is also very proud of this, believing that the love between them is as beautiful as a myth.
After graduating from high school, Charlie attended Harvard University as he wished. Helen, on the other hand, attended another nationally renowned university in honshu. Although the two of them were on opposite sides of the day, they kept reading books. Every holiday, the two will try to get together and talk goodbye. But in January this year, a serious crisis broke out in the relationship between the two.
It all started with a dress up ball last November.
Harvard university has a tradition that every year before the winter break, senior students (excluding graduate students) hold a dressage party. At that time, all the men attending the dance will wear evening dresses and compete to lead beautiful girls to dance as an accompaniment. And all the ladies who attended the prom also tried to invite the most handsome young men to the party. Among those interested, Charlie chose Katie, who studied at Boston University, as her dance partner, and she looked as beautiful as Helen.
That night, Charlie drank a lot of wine, and because of the atmosphere, he took Katie with him to the room to spend the night. After that, Katie began to launch a love offensive against Charlie, and its momentum was so fierce that Charlie was overwhelmed.
Charlie deeply regretted the sloppiness of that night. After the winter break after Christmas, Charlie returns to his hometown to reunite with Helen. While sorting out Charlie's laundry, Helen stumbles upon a fiery love letter from Katie to Charlie that mentions a night of affair that night.
Helen was furious and insisted that Charlie would make it clear. Although Charlie repeatedly stated that the night was just drunken promiscuity and never committed another crime, Helen could not forgive Charlie for his deviant behavior.
In fact, since Helen went to college, there are also a lot of suitors around. Among them was a boy named Adams, who was on par with Charlie in appearance and physique. He has been chasing Helen, but Helen has always kept his distance from him. Now that Charlie's infidelity is discovered, Helen is not willing to defend himself for Charlie, but he is out picking flowers and weeds.
More importantly, Helen increasingly intolerant of Charlie's restraint and interference with her, which she did not have in her dealings with Adams. So, Helen began a formal date with Adams and soon became hot. And all this was passed on to his ears by the friend whom Charlie confessed before his departure, so the above farce of "breaking into the Asian Mansion at night" was staged.
unscramble:
The content of this chapter, I think, should be closely related to our readers here, because love is the ideal we pursue, love is the prelude to marriage and family, and love is the expectation of human reproduction. Very few people have not talked about love, love makes our lives full of happiness and happiness, talented women, like-minded love in the pen of writers and poets, is so noble, so selfless, so firm, and how many sorrows and joys make us sigh and cry. For example, the mythical story of Chang'e Running Moon and Cowherd Weaver Girl, "In heaven wish to be compared to a winged bird, in the earth wish to be a lianli branch." ”.“ The farthest distance in the world is not the distance between life and death, but the distance between me standing in front of you, and you don't know that I love you. "If the love of the world is not even as good as her obsession with life and death." What other language is there to praise? It's so weak!
Of course, today's interpretation is not an admiration for love, but to recognize its beauty from a psychological point of view.
Interpersonal attraction is a state of emotional mutual intimacy between an individual and others, and is a form of affirmation in interpersonal relationships, and love is the strongest form of interpersonal attraction. In this sense, falling in love is what should be done and praised, not negative, not negative, and of course at the right age.
Love is one of the noblest emotions of human beings and the most complex emotional phenomenon in the world. The history of love as an object of scientific research is not long, starting from the 1970s. Thanks to the unremitting efforts of a group of social psychologists, we have some preliminary understanding of the mysterious and exciting emotional form of love.
So, what is love? Love is the most intense form of interpersonal attraction, and it is a romantic high-level emotion produced by individuals who have matured physically and mentally to a certain extent on individuals of the opposite sex. It is characterized by:
(1) Heterosexuality: Love is generally produced between the opposite sex, and love in the narrow sense refers to heterosexuality, excluding homosexuality. (2) Maturity: Love is the emotional experience that occurs when the individual's body and mind develop to a relatively mature stage, and young children do not have love experience. (3) High-level sex: Love is a high-level emotion, not a low-level emotion. Iv) Physiological: Love has a physiological basis, including sexual factors, not pure spiritual attachment. (v) Altruism: The basic tendency of love is to give. Measuring whether a person has love for the opposite sex and how strong it is can be measured by the indicator of "whether it comes from the heart to help the loved one do all the things they expect."
The common forms of love, one is the six forms summarized by J.Lee (1973): (i) romantic: the two sides are attracted to each other at first meeting, love at first sight; (ii) good friend style: love is a deep friendship that has been cultivated for a long time; (iii) game style: love is like a game, "Sometimes I have to avoid my lovers, lest they find each other." ";(iv) Possessive: If I suspect that someone I love is with someone else, my nerves are strained." ;(5) Practical: Find someone who can meet your basic or practical needs; (vi) Altruism: "I'd rather suffer on my own than let my loved one suffer." ”
The above six forms of love are not mutually exclusive, for example, any kind of love will have a certain degree of possessiveness. However, in a certain period or situation, people's love may be dominated by some form.
Another classification of love was made by E. Hatfield (1988) and others. They believe that there are two main types of love: passionate love and partner love. Passionate love is a strong emotional state that the individual hopes to integrate with the other party, and the person in the passionate love is intoxicated by the spring breeze, has no distractions, and cannot bear the snub and betrayal of the lover. Partner love is a deep sense of involvement with partners who live with themselves, mutual understanding, respect, mutual dependence, like relatives, than the characteristics of passionate love that is easy to turbulence, partner love is more stable. Generally speaking, the initial passion of love has more components, and with the stability of mutual relationships, especially after marriage, the emotions of both parties will be transformed into partner love.
Today's popularization of psychological knowledge of love is mainly to facilitate our love entanglement between Charlie and Helen to have a rational understanding of what true love is.
Looking forward to reading tomorrow!
November 4, 2021 #Counselor said #