Text/Xi Xi Huan
Figure/Source network
Many people have a kind of doubt, why love can not always be as good and sweet as at the beginning, and even some people will feel that the more deeply they love, the more quarrels there are, obviously want to get close to each other, but in the end they can only hurt each other.
In the love of the lover relationship, many people are eager to manage well, but the final fact is that they have worked hard to pay a lot, but in the end they have not gotten satisfactory results.
Wu Zhihong once said in the book "Why Love Hurts": We are not easy to see and respect the logic of lovers' love, on the contrary, we are all attached to our own way of love, and think that this is the only right, which leads to loneliness, and the more we love each other, the lonelier we are.
In other words, the reason why many people feel lonely in love and do not get an intimate lover relationship is because they have been internally consuming, rather than transforming love into external substance.
According to Wu Zhihong's point of view, when a person falls in love with another person, it is often easier to fall into their own fantasies about love and love objects, but ignore the real existence of the other party.
If there is a fantasy, there must be a collision with reality, and the disappointment and gap in the heart at this time will make people feel that this love is far from what they imagined, which led to an argument between the two people.
The other party will also feel inexplicable, I have always been like this, why did I start to pick my mistakes until today?
In fact, this is a phenomenon of internal friction, when a person is too persistent in his imagination and cannot get out, he neglects to pay attention to the feelings and lovers that exist externally, and how can he get a better relationship with his lover?
Wu Zhihong once received a letter from a male reader who said that it was difficult for him to have a good relationship, because every time he met a girl he liked, he only confessed once, and if he was rejected, he would give up completely.
However, we all know that the two feelings of pleasure in love do not exist at the beginning, and it requires two people to understand each other deeply, communicate more, and get along more to have, but this male reader obviously cannot do this.
Later, after detailed communication, Wu Zhihong learned that this man had watched his friend pursue a girl for three or four years without success.
It may be that this is just a failed emotional experience for the person concerned, but it has caused the male reader to form a huge psychological shadow, and he feels that the experience of love is so terrible that he does not dare to try it at all.
So he told himself that he would never allow this fate to fall on his head.
It is not difficult to see that the reason why this man has been suffering from the inability to establish a healthy relationship is not because of other people's factors, but because he can't get out of the psychological barrier he built for himself, he will always recall the failed emotional experience he once witnessed, so he invisibly set a hypothesis for himself, that is, if he continues to insist after encountering rejection, he will also get that result, paying for many years without results.
As long as he thinks of this result, the man feels terrible, so before he can start to pay, he has a retreat, and the girl naturally feels that he is not sincere enough, or that the two people have not yet begun to understand each other well, and this budding love is drawn to an end.
In reality, such people are not uncommon, they always think a lot, do very little, and most importantly, most of the things they think will not really happen, they will always exist in their imagination.
Therefore, these people are worried, anxious, and even confused for these imaginations that appear out of thin air, and all kinds of negative emotions make them start to become unconfident, even if they don't do anything all day, they will feel very tired, which is internal friction, constantly consuming their own inner, and can't see the positive side.
In "Why Love Hurts People", Wu Zhihong said: We often say that it is easy to fall in love and difficult to get along with. When we fall in love, in fact, we do not deal with the real existence of the other party, we project our own fantasies onto each other, and then deal with our own fantasies, which is naturally easier. When we get along, we have to see each other's real existence, so that we can properly let go of ourselves and deal with the person who has the same independent will as ourselves. It's really hard.
People will always habitually and easily accept the real existence that conforms to their fantasies, but if they want to understand it, they will know that constantly fantasizing and refusing to merge with reality is seriously consuming their emotions and is of no benefit to establishing an intimate relationship with a lover.
People who can really establish an intimate relationship with a loved one will focus more on how to get the desired results through practice, rather than being overly immersed in their own fantasies and unable to extricate themselves.
Such people themselves will encounter fewer gaps and disappointments, and even if they do, they can always actively find ways to communicate and solve, rather than thinking about why they are so unlucky and why they will encounter such things.
Friend Sun Mei has always had the yardstick of his dream lover, tall, handsome, gentle and elegant, but also erudite, but in reality such men are not everywhere, even if they meet, they may not necessarily be happy with Sun Mei.
After meeting a man on the Internet, the other party heard that Sun Mei liked such a man, so he sent her a photo, Sun Mei couldn't help himself, this is the man she fantasized about, tall and handsome, and usually when the two people chat, Sun Mei also feels that men are very gentle and considerate, and can always tell her some unheard knowledge.
Therefore, online love rushed out, but the result in reality is that men are not tall, their looks are very ordinary, and the only thing that has not changed is that they are very humorous and indeed very gentle.
Sun Mei's heart gap is getting bigger and bigger, always distressed about why men deceive her, but men also have their own grievances, he was afraid that Sun Mei would be disappointed when he saw himself, so he sent her photos, but also told her his true height and weight, but at that time Sun Mei deliberately combined men with his fantasy image, so he ignored the authenticity of men themselves.
The final result is no suspense, Sun Mei can not accept the man's "deception" and proposed to break up, but after that, she has not met a better object than the man.
When there is a gap between our love fantasies and reality, we should actually understand that this is a very normal phenomenon, and what we need to do is to face reality, refuse internal friction, do not stay in the fantasy we set, and constantly consume our energy and time, so as to obtain a more intimate relationship with our lover.
Wu Zhihong's "Why Love Hurts" has helped many people find the crux of their love, so as to "prescribe the right medicine" and get inspired, so it is worth reading.
Why Love Hurts Collector's Edition Solving the Problem of Marriage and Love Psychology Reader Wu Zhihong ¥36.8 Purchase
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