Suppose you are in the city center and you meet a student with a questionnaire and say, "Excuse me, can you fill out this questionnaire for me?" "How would you agree?"
If the student asks in a different way, first ask, "Can you do me a favor?" ", wait for your consent, and then ask for help to fill out the questionnaire, what will be the result?
Most people agree that these two forms of help won't make much difference in results.
But after experiments by psychologists, it was found that 57% of people would be willing to help with the first direct way of asking for help. In the second way, with consent and then a specific request, 84 percent were willing to help.
The results tell us that people are more willing to help than we think, especially if you choose the right approach.
The case comes from Strategy Business's best business book of the year, "How to Ask for Help Properly," by Heidi Grant, one of the world's 50 biggest management thinkers.
She uses humorous language, rich cases, and from a psychological point of view, to teach us how to change our thinking, from the difficulty of asking for help to the boldness of asking for help, through effective methods, so that others can sincerely lend a hand.
Living in the crowd, no one can live a life alone, no one can succeed without the help of others, asking for help is the ability to survive, good at getting help, life can continue to go to a higher place.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" >01 Three truths you need to know about asking for help</h1>
Asking for help and helping others, people's external behavior is a manifestation of internal mental activity.
One is that everyone struggles to ask for help.
Many people say that they don't like to ask for help, and they always feel that they can't open their mouths. Because, this is a physiological response that humans share.
Scientists have found that when our brains process the discomforts (social pain) we experience from interacting with others, we process the pain (physical pain) caused by physical injuries in the same way.
Asking someone for help makes you panic, shortness of breath, headaches and embarrassment, is a normal phenomenon, just accept it.
The second is that the person who refuses to help you is likely to be the person who will help you next time.
It turns out that people who have rejected you the first time are more willing to help you the second time, and may exceed your expectations. Because rejecting others is also a social pain, it makes people feel uncomfortable.
The "retreat-to-advance" marketing strategy operates based on this.
When a salesperson sells you an expensive, out-of-budget item, you'll usually decline it, but if he recommends a reasonably priced item that's within your reach, you're likely to accept it. Because it makes you feel comfortable.
Third, people who have helped you are more willing to continue to help you.
Studies have found that after the first time they agree to help, people tend to continue to do their best to help, because if they help in the past and then refuse, it will cause inconsistencies or contradictions in personality, resulting in cognitive dissonance.
This is also why good people are kinder.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" >02 four methods to make it easier for you to get help</h1>
Knowing these three truths does not allow us to get help when we need them, and the author provides four methods in the book.
One is to let others see your needs.
The authors describe a famous psychological experiment called the "Invisible Gorilla.") The psychologist asked the subject to watch a video of a group of people passing the ball back and forth, and the subject needed to count the number of times they passed the ball. During this time, a man dressed in a gorilla costume walked through the crowd.
As a result, when asked, 50% of people did not notice the picture. When people focus on their own things, they do not pay attention to the details around them, which is the phenomenon of "non-attention blindness" in psychology.
So, when you're in front of a busy bunch of people and you're in a hurry and no one is helping, don't mind, they just don't notice.
In this case, tell others directly that you need help, without being embarrassed.
The second is to let others determine that you need help.
In reality, there are really people who see you in trouble and not act. But this does not mean that he is indifferent, because there is a phenomenon in psychology called the "audience suppression effect" - when people do not know the truth of the matter, they will be afraid that they are nosy and help the wrong person.
It is difficult for clean officials to judge family affairs, and people are often reluctant to intervene in husband and wife quarrels, and even husbands abuse wives, which is out of this mentality.
In this case, it is necessary to clearly express the desire to ask for help to the target of the request.
The third is to seek help from the designated object.
The study found that when a person is the only person asking for help, he will help 100%, but if there is a group of people who can help, the result is likely that no one will help. This is the "decentralization effect".
So, when there is a man dragging a woman down the street, pretending to be his wife, the best way for this woman to deal with it is not to shout "Help, I don't know him!" Instead, he asked someone directly for help, "The sister in red, please help me call 110."
The more you pinpoint the target of the call, the clearer your "sense of responsibility," the more likely you are to get help.
Fourth, let your help be within a reasonable range.
A mom who is busy with housework may not have time to help the dad who is taking a shower to change clothes in time, and the students who are about to be late for class may not stop at all to point the way for you who are lost.
People with heavy things have difficulty paying attention to the plight of others, not because they are indifferent, but because of great pressure or urgent situations, and they have no time to take care of others' requests for help.
In such a situation, be sure to keep your request reasonable, and if others can't help, or can't help us as we expect, please understand that others can't do it.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" >03 Three considerations when asking for help</h1>
Successful pleas for help are not only about what to say, but also about what you shouldn't be saying.
One is to express gratitude rather than apologies.
"I'm sorry I'm in trouble for you... I don't want to do this..." It's common sense to trouble others to apologize, but too much expression of apology can only put pressure on the helper to finish things as soon as possible, or even reluctantly.
Based on her own experience of living on fundraising, musician Amanda Palmer warns people in the book "The Art of Request" that apologizing for asking for help can make people feel alienated.
We can apologize for doing something wrong, but when we ask for help, we want to express gratitude, so that we can bring each other closer and allow helpers to get happiness in helping others.
The second is not to let the request for help become a kind of coercion.
A common way is to remind someone that they owe you a favor. "Remember when I helped you..." "In the past, when you had something to do, I always..."
The authors say that "the principle of reciprocity works best when helping reciprocal behaviors" and that "such mutually helpful behaviors should also be time-close."
When you remind others that you owe something, it will not only make people feel coerced, but also make people feel that your pattern is too small, affecting interpersonal communication.
The third is to express gratitude without just talking about your feelings.
There are two types of people expressing gratitude, one is to praise others (qualities, behaviors...). The second is self-benefit (a change in one's own circumstances).
Researchers at the University of North Carolina did a study in which they looked at the behavior of couples expressing gratitude for what their spouses had done recently for them, and found that praising the type of gratitude of others was more likely to build warm, positive, and good feelings and deepen mutual love.
People are inherently self-centered, and helpers also want those who ask for help to talk more about themselves and get more recognition and encouragement.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" >04 last</h1>
A child is moving a big stone, and the father encourages him: Child, as long as you do your best, you must be able to move up!
In the end, the child failed to lift the stone, and he told his father: I have tried my best! Father said: You didn't do your best, because I was next to you, and you didn't ask for my help!
Asking people for help is not to show that you are not capable, but to face up to your shortcomings and admit that you also have areas that you do not understand.
Asking for help at the right time is a kind of wisdom. We must dare to ask for help, rely on the available resources, and go all out for the goal to create a stronger and more confident self.