Text: Children's Psychology Classroom, Yang Xiaoyang
In "The Unbearable Lightness of Life", there are many depictions of parents' marriages for their children with deep influences that you cannot perceive.
1
When Franz first met Sabina, he said to her in the same solemn tone that Columbus had just seen the coast of america: "Sabina, you are a woman."
He placed special emphasis on the word "woman", for him, not to refer to one of the two genders of human beings, but to represent a value. Not all women are women.
Franz's wife, Mary Claude, loved him so much that when they had only known him for a few months, she threatened him that she would kill herself if he abandoned her.
Franz felt that he was not worthy of such a great love, and for this love, he thought that he should bow his head deeply. Deep within him, there was a solid and inevitable self-requirement: never to hurt Mary Claude and to respect the woman in her.
Not to respect Mary Claude, but to respect the woman in her.
But Mary Claude is a woman herself, and who is the other woman he must respect hidden in her?
It was her mother. He loved his mother, not a woman in her.
When he was about twelve, one day, Franz's father suddenly abandoned her, and she became alone. Franz sensed that something serious had happened, but his mother, in order not to cause harm to him, downplayed it and concealed the truth in a very measured way.
That day, while they were out together to walk around town, Franz noticed that the shoes his mother was wearing were not matched. He was upset, wanted to remind her, and was afraid of hurting her. He walked the street with his mother for two hours, never taking his eyes off her feet. From then on, he began to understand what pain was.
He loved his mother, and therefore he held fast to the conviction that loyalty was the first virtue, and that it made our lives complete and unified.
So, even though Mary Claude wasn't so flattering to him, her love for him seemed unmatched to him.
2
For Sabina, what attracted her was not loyalty, but betrayal.
At the age of fourteen she fell in love with a boy of the same age. His father was so horrified that he forbade her to go out alone for a whole year.
My father always loved to take pleasure in painting the sunset hanging in the treetops or the roses in a vase. One day he showed her some copies of Picasso's and laughed at the paintings.
Since she had no right to love a boy of the same age, she could at least love Cubist art. After graduating from secondary school, she went to Prague, where she could finally betray her family, and felt a little relief in her heart.
However, in the Academy of Fine Arts, painting like Picasso is not allowed, and the painting method required by the academy must be followed. Her desire to betray her father remained unfulfilled.
Later she married a mediocre Prague actor for the simple reason that because of his bad reputation for deviance, both fathers considered him unacceptable.
One might argue that literature is not equivalent to real life.
In fact, in reality, too many people have hidden the shadow of their parents in their marriages.
3
A is a girl who married far away.
As an only child, when she was very young, her mother told her not to go far in the future, just find a man in this city to marry, and the family will always be together.
A's father is in business, usually very busy at work, and has a lot of socializing. In A's impression, Dad equals money. The food and clothing of their family are all bought by their fathers. Mom played with her, made her food, sent her to school, and helped her with her homework. If Mom complains that Dad doesn't accompany them both, Dad says, "Where do I have time?" "Declare the argument over.
There wasn't much bickering at home, and there wasn't much warmth. As he grew older, A felt the low pressure that had been hanging over his home for a long time. Dads who often don't come home, moms who are often unhappy.
Relatives are envious of her mother marrying a man who can make money, and when she was a child, she often thought, marrying such a good man, why is her mother not happy?
Because my mother is often unhappy, A does not dare to show too much happiness, so the young age is described as "steady and sensible." ”
Later, A was admitted to a university in another province and made a boyfriend. This boy on the theory of looks, the theory of achievements and the family situation, which is not as good as A.
But A was so attracted to him that even she couldn't figure out what he had attracted her to. All in all, she was happy with him.
The boyfriend's home is local. On holiday, he took her home.
When I heard that my son was going to take his girlfriend home, my boyfriend's parents were very happy.
A and her boyfriend arrive at his house and see his dad busy in the kitchen wearing an apron, and his mom smiles and stops her hand on the fruit plate to welcome her.
Although it was the first time they met, they did not feel restrained. The house is not big, but it is full of the warmth and comfort that life should be.
At lunchtime, her boyfriend's mom and dad warmly beckoned her to eat more, asking her if she was accustomed to school and if she could eat the food in the canteen. The boyfriend peeled shrimp for A, the boyfriend's father peeled the shrimp for his mother, no one felt that there was anything wrong, it seemed that everything should be so.
After graduating, A did not obey his parents' arrangement to go home to take the civil service examination, but stayed in the city where her boyfriend was, married him, and became a girl who married far away.
After marriage, her boyfriend's parents treated her like her own daughter, and her boyfriend (husband) treated her warmly and peacefully as ever, just like his father had done to his mother for decades.
A said that she used to think that Dad was a good man and that Mom should be happy. When I met my boyfriend and his family, I knew that happiness should not be, and my personal feelings and experiences could confuse the eyes of others, but I couldn't deceive myself.
4
B chose the present husband because he was willing to listen to her.
B said that parents have been arguing for as long as I can remember. Small quarrels every day, big quarrels three or six nine, smashing bowls and smashing pots are commonplace.
The only way parents communicate with each other is to quarrel. Neither person had the patience to listen to the other or understand what the other was saying. If you don't agree, you will argue.
B, who grew up in such an environment, is taciturn and withdrawn. Due to long-term family pressure, unable to concentrate on studying, I went out to work as soon as I graduated from high school.
During the part-time job, B talked about several boyfriends one after another, and as long as the two had an argument, B proposed to break up. No matter how her boyfriend keeps her, she is not moved.
B slowly lost confidence in his feelings, thinking that he would be alone in this life and end up alone. Even so, she did not want to go into a hot marriage with another person.
At the age of thirty, B met her current husband. They were introduced to each other, and he was divorced and had no children.
He doesn't say much, but with him, B feels relaxed and not as stressful as being in a relationship before. With him, B's words would become more numerous, and no matter what she said, he listened with interest, nodding his head from time to time, and then two sentences. B knew, he understood what she meant.
They had been together for more than a year, with occasional disputes, but no quarrels. B said she didn't like to argue, and he said he was too. After they get married, B has emotions that he can understand and tolerate. He would patiently listen to her finish her words and would not deny her feelings. In his company, B gradually stepped out of the shadow brought about by his parents' quarrel, and people became cheerful.
5
The children's marriages hide the shadow of their parents.
The pattern of parental interaction forms the child's initial impression of marriage. The way a child gets along with parents of the opposite sex affects his intimate relationships.
If a girl worships and likes her father and lives in the encouragement and support of her father from an early age, her father will become her mate selection criterion.
If she does not have the participation of her father in her growth, or if the father's image is too short and cowardly, and she has not received the affirmation and protection from her father, she will reject and look down on men on the one hand, and at the same time, she will long for the love and warmth from men, and it is difficult to develop or develop disordered intimate relationships.
If a boy grows up in a family where his father loves his mother and his mother respects his father, he will aspire to marry a woman who is gentle as a mother and become a man who is as worthy of respect as a father and respects his wife.
If a boy grows up in a patriarchal family that does not respect women, he sees his mother swallowing his anger and his father commanding. He either becomes the same person as his father and marries a woman who has no self. Or sacrifice yourself out of love for your mother and marry a woman who dictates to herself. It is also difficult to develop a virtuous intimate relationship.
I remember reading such a sentence: the mark of successful parenting is not to see how successful the child is, but to see whether the child's marriage is happy.
Partners in happy marriages are less likely to have physical illness, less substance abuse, and less anxiety and depression. Without physical disease, mental health is the foundation of a person's happiness.