Conscious choice: go back inside and feel
Each of us has two parts within us, a degenerate child who wants to escape from discomfort and pain, and a soul who wants to understand the preciousness of these experiences. So, it's important that we consciously make choices to get ourselves back inside to feel, rather than habitually bouncing back or trying to avoid our feelings in some way.
The author said: One of our female trainees was full of dissatisfaction with her boyfriend, and she felt that the other party was not really accompanying her. She complained that the other person was "stuck in his head like a computer", always busy doing other things, not caring about her feelings, and he didn't even care about his own feelings. As a result, she has been torn between the two decisions of "leaving him" and "staying". In fact, she did leave several times, but each time she returned to her boyfriend again, continuing to hold expectations for him, hoping that one day he would change – become more open to himself. Later, the two of them decided to come to the workshop, hoping to see and face the problems in the relationship.
As in most cases, the sense of deprivation experienced by the female trainee reflects her childhood experience. Her father was an emotionally alienated man who had not been given her companionship, which caused her deep inner hunger and thirst. Emotionally, she desperately craves male attention and companionship, but at the same time, she carries a feeling of "I don't deserve a man to accompany me" inside her. This way of projecting one's own pain and blaming others is just a distraction, but it's something that most of us do on a regular basis. So, she faces a difficult challenge, that is, to let herself feel the pain and fear of her boyfriend's absence, so as to find her inner feelings, and find her inner space to accommodate these fears, rather than trying to find rescue from the outside. Of course, this is not an easy task.
When we drop the expectation that others will change, it forces us to face the fear of our own deprivation. In the beginning, we often resist this life problem because we have a strong belief within us that if we let go or accept the feeling of being deprived, we will no longer get what we want, and because we have learned from past experience that resistance is the only way we can get what we want. Love, however, is a completely different thing, and in the realm of love, control and effort only make us feel more powerless.
When we are lost, rejected, or not getting what we want, it is important that we have enough patience and compassion for ourselves. We often say "there's no way you can get things right". If we are unaware of this, we are likely to rebound from others when we encounter the above situations; such as rushing into some kind of addictive behavior to alleviate our own pain; or falling into some kind of compulsive behavior, such as constantly calling others and trying to convince them that we have changed and ask them to accept us again; or constantly asking the other person to explain why he chose to leave. In the end, we often find that we have the same thought repeated in our minds, and it seems that there is no way to stop. Sometimes our uneasiness and irritability are so intense, like rats running in a wheel; sometimes we are so depressed or desperate that we have to use all our strength to get up. Our minds are constantly running, and nothing seems to help us to quench this panic.
The reason this feeling of abandonment and deprivation is so painful is because they are inextricably linked to our sense of shame.
When we are left there alone, or when someone makes us feel extremely disappointed, we not only have to face this feeling of loneliness, but also need to feel the shame of not being loved.
Most of the time, we often have a voice within ourselves saying that we do not deserve to be accompanied, loved, accepted or cared for. A child who was not accepted by adults in childhood will often grow up feeling that he is not worthy of acceptance. So when we're caught in pain, it's hard to tell what's the worst thing about it —the loneliness and fear that we'll always be alone, or the shame that we don't deserve to be loved? The feeling of abandonment and deprivation is like a cocktail of these complex feelings.
Choose to face your own experience of being deprived and abandoned —
The greatest obstacle to recovering from the experience of deprivation and abandonment is not sorrow and pain, but fear and our resistance to suffering. Each of us has an inexhaustible source of strength within us, allowing us to face the losses and setbacks we have encountered, but if we do not understand what happened and why things happen, it is difficult for us to face and deal with them. Usually, we don't allow these painful feelings to exist naturally, but rather choose to resist. But resisting and avoiding only makes the pain more unbearable and lingering longer than we are willing to feel it and allow it to pass through for much longer.
Love always brings loss, which is an integral part of the experience of love. If we open our hearts, our hearts will experience many hurts; and the closer we get to someone, the more intense and frequent the experience of abandonment becomes.
These experiences of abandonment and deprivation open up the parts of our buried unconsciousness that cannot be healed unless we allow ourselves to open and feel them. The experiences of fear and pain that we have abandoned as children have always been dormant within us, and any similar experience in our lives in the present moment evokes these emotions. Only when we can accept these feelings of fear without resistance will they depart; only then will all those confusions, fright, anger, resentment, and sorrow come into place. When we are able to embrace the feeling of deprivation and abandonment, we open up a deep inner peace. The reason why most people continue to fight in their lives is largely because we are not willing to feel helpless and lonely.
Let go of the expectation of "hoping things will change"
[Krish's sharing:
One lady, the story between her and the man can be said to be a series of heartbreaks. She's always attracted to men who aren't willing to commit and can't be with her wholeheartedly, and then these men will fall in love with other women. This lady is a very intelligent, viable and inspiring person, but whenever she is with a man, she loses herself and becomes submissive, complaining and shrinking. When she's in an intimate relationship, she complains that the other person doesn't spend enough time with her, and when she doesn't have an intimate relationship, she complains that she can't find a partner she really wants. Thankfully, after years of inner work, she finally began to understand what it felt like to be abandoned and ashamed. She found that due to the influence of shame, she was always attracted to those impossible men, and her hunger and despair for relationships pushed these men away from her. As she grew older, her despair grew deeper, and she feared that she would never find the partner she wanted. In addition, she also despairs that after so many years of inner work, she still has no essential change.
In fact, this situation is very natural, and each of us will come to this stage and begin to doubt ourselves - how much time will we spend to feel abandoned, deprived and ashamed, and wonder if things will change. Especially for those who have extensively explored their wounds, this repetition and self-doubt seems so cruel and unfair.
We often ask people the following two questions:
1 Do you still expect someone to save you so that you don't have to feel your fears, pain, and loneliness anymore?
2 Do you feel worthy of love and companionship?
For these two questions, people often answer "yes" and "no" respectively. In a way, when we work on the themes of abandonment and shame, we need to see how much of our thoughts and actions are still under the control of our degraded children, still expecting to be saved, and at the same time feeling unworthy of love. In any case, our desires for degenerate children will not be satisfied, because our higher selves want to grow, not to be controlled by the degenerated children all the time.
When we accept what we have already received, we get what we want.
This is a very strange paradox. When we are able to relax and deeply accept the experience that life brings us, and to be satisfied with it, even the deepest desires within will be satisfied. And when we deeply accept that this feeling of shame and loneliness will not disappear, settle down, no longer fight and escape, things will begin to metamorphose, and then our interpersonal interaction patterns will also begin to change.
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