Have I ever received unconditional love?
After talking to my mom on the phone today, I had such a question in my heart.
I haven't spoken to her on the phone for two weeks, I made a phone call today, but I didn't expect her focus to be that my uncle and aunt have recently started blowing outside, because his son, that is, my cousin, bought a house of ten million in Nanjing, and the house that my daughter just bought has risen by hundreds of thousands in a few days. I said that they had bought a big house and wanted to show off this normal. Unexpectedly, she immediately continued: "Then when can you buy a big house for me to brag about outside?"
Hearing this sentence, I feel tired, my heart is tired, every time I call, three sentences do not leave to buy a house!
The house we live in Nanjing now is very small, and it is really crowded to live with a baby, and I also want to change to a larger house. But she almost every time she calls to buy a house, how much is it for her children, how much is it for her own face?
I forgot what I said, but I pushed back and told her not to always think about comparing herself to others. A month ago I knew that my cousin bought a villa, I was happy for him, I struggled in Nanjing for so many years, and finally bought a big house, it was not easy, I also reminded my mother early, don't look red, don't compare with others. Take your time, we're again at our rhythm. I didn't expect her to say such a thing now, and the phone call broke up unhappily.
Hanging up the phone, I felt desolate in my heart. What are you? Her tool man?
Speaking of which, the last phone call with my mother was also unhappy, and when she called, the first thing she said was to ask me if I had passed the graduate school exam? I said I was admitted. She said sadly why didn't you tell me earlier? I thought, oh, I haven't told her why I didn't say, because the graduate exam not only has a preliminary exam but also a re-examination, according to the results of my initial exam, the re-examination passed, the problem should not be big, but it has not yet taken the exam, and I have not yet received the admission letter, I did not want to talk to her about it.
So why did she suddenly ask me about this today? It turned out that today the great aunt returned to her hometown and praised her grandson in front of others, "I have also been admitted to the civil service examination, and now I have also been admitted to the examination." Mom said, "I didn't dare to squeak next to me, thinking you hadn't been admitted." ”
When I heard that this was the reason, I immediately felt very funny and sad, how come after so many years, I am thirty years old, and she still has to study with others than children? Listen to her meaning, if I don't get in, she will be inferior in front of others, and she can't say anything? If I am admitted and score higher than others, she can take it out and say? Compare others to others? It is said that from childhood to adulthood, I have never been praised by her for the good exam, but as long as the exam is not good, no matter how small the exam, I will be scolded by her, there are neighbors and relatives present, and it does not affect the dog blood sprinkler that she scolded me.
Some children, scolded by their mothers at school, could not bear to jump straight off the building; some mothers, in public, insulted her young children as if he had committed heinous crimes, as if he were the enemy she hated in the world. In public, scolding my own children wanted to jump into the river, which my mother also did, fortunately I survived. Do such mothers really love their children? I think it is love, but their love is conditional, and they deserve to be loved if they can earn her face, otherwise it is torture and insult. We don't want to admit that they don't love children, which is tantamount to admitting that we haven't been loved.
Every time I was stimulated by my mother, the scars of my childhood were faintly painful, as clear as yesterday. I really envy children who have parents who respect and understand themselves. I didn't, and I don't have a chance in this life.
When I was young, I didn't know right or wrong, I thought my parents must be right, they said you were stupid, you were stupid, you were useless, they said they were useless, they said they were going to throw you away, you were a waste. I thought I had silently digested those wounds, and when I grew up, I found that those scars were forever engraved on my heart. Some people, on the outside, look normal, but in fact, the inside is full of holes.
There is a saying that is really true, happy people use childhood to heal a lifetime, and unfortunate people heal childhood all their lives. I'm the kind of person behind me.
Now that I am married, I am about to have my own children, the influence of the original family, maybe I can't break free with all my strength, but I will go to three provinces and arm my brain with scientific parenting methods. My child, I want him to be an emotionally stable, innerly secure child. I want him to know that his parents' love for him is unconditional. Let tragedy end in my generation.
I have not received love, may I have the power to give.
