Jia Pingwa's works: I once fell in love with a girl

In the mid-80s, I wrote a little poem called "Unrequited Love" The poem is written like this: The best love in the world / Is unrequited love / No pain / Can be absolutely brave / Loved by others / You don't know who the other person is / Love someone else / You know yourself / Take a key / Open my unit room.

In the mid-80s, I wrote a little poem called "Unrequited Love" The poem is written like this: The best love in the world / Is unrequited love / No pain / Can be absolutely brave / Loved by others / You don't know who the other person is / Love someone else / You know yourself / Take a key / Open my unit room. This poem is a reminder of how I fell in love with a woman for the first time in my life. When I was in love with the woman, I didn't have the courage to say goodbye to her. Writing this poem more than a decade later, my readers do not know where it points. Coincidentally, when one of my compatriots came to Xi'an to do business, he came to my house and mentioned that he had bought the poetry book, and the woman was also present when he bought the book, and they stood on the side of the road and read all the verses. The speaker had no intention, the listener had a heart, and I asked him, "What did ××× say after reading it?" He said, "She smiled and didn't say a word. "I feel sad. The fellow saw my regretful look and tried to comfort me: "Where does she know poetry?" But the cat she was holding said the word 'wonderful'! When he finished, he laughed out loud, and I laughed with it. I felt for a moment that she understood my poem. I must have understood that this was written for her, but she was already a wife, and her soul could only instruct the cat to comment!

Crush

The earliest thing I noticed to her was probably from taking a nap upstairs. Kuixing Building is on the side of the big field in our village, and to the south of the building is the rice field that extends to the river embankment. On the platform of the two people, the wind is blowing on all sides, and there are no mosquitoes, and all the people who are not married sleep there all summer nights and lunch breaks, and the villagers call the "single stick" building. This one at noon, after lunch, we went to Danjiang to play with the water for a while, and then climbed upstairs and fell asleep. But a bird always barked at the edge of the platform, and when I opened my eyes, I saw her walking down the official road wearing a fleece coat, and the velvet ball fell to the ground, and she bent down to pick it up, her long legs were straight, and her hips were in the shape of a large peach. Almost as well as she heard the birds, she bent down and lifted her head up, her neck slender and long outlined a soft line. My heart "clattered." I did hear the rumble of my heart, but I immediately leaned down, afraid to let her see that I was watching her.

Since then, I have cared about her, often seeing her, and it is pleasant to see her. She and I are not the same surname, arranged according to the generations in the village, there are intricate relationships, she should call me uncle. When I graduated from junior high school, I was a stunned boy who was unconscious, and I laughed at her dark skin and a pedestal spot on her cheek, but now I found that she was black and durable, and with that ponymp point, it was even more attractive. I knew I was in love with her, and I knew that I couldn't have anything to do with her. Generations are different, clans have enmity, and my family has been reduced to an adult, but I can't get rid of my crush on her. Every day when the bell rings, I stand on the earthen stream in front of the door and look into the river, and the people who are working in the village are walking through the stones on the river, and I see if there is any of her in the crowd. If there is her, suddenly high spirits, immediately go to work, and will work together in a very natural way, that day there will be endless energy, endless words, and words can be said funny and humorous; if there is no her in the crowd, I am out of work but I am lost, I do not talk to anyone, only feel tired, yawning.

The production team office was close to her house, and every night I went to the office to record work points, and it turned out that I wanted my brother to go, but I was always scrambling to pass by the door of her yard. The door of her house was always half open and half closed, looking in, the courtyard was dark and dull, only there was light in the hall, I quickly walked over, walked over and deliberately looked for a reason to return, and then walked over, hoping that she could come out of the courtyard door. Once she came out, but there was a cough in the toilet on the left outside the courtyard door, and her sister-in-law's head popped out of the toilet earthen wall, and the sister-in-law talked across the earthen wall. I fled like a thief, hating the sister-in-law with a thousand voices. With a ghost in my heart, I didn't dare to go into her house, afraid of her people, and afraid of her dogs. When I got home, I hated my cowardice and vowed that when I saw her at work tomorrow, I would tell her that I would break my mind; but the next day when I met, I talked a lot, but I just went around in circles, and I saw that the circle was going to go into the circle, and I turned around and said something that was not salty or light. So, at that time, I always hoped that there was a fairy tale so-called "invisibility hat", so that I could put it on to her house, sit on the edge of her hut, touch the mirror of her face, touch the pillow she had pillowed. Even fantasizing that we already have a sharp mind, with the secret code of the date, I threw a small stone in her yard, she immediately came out, we went to the poplar forest behind the water mill... Once, I was digging the ground with a very arrogant person in the village, and he said, "I hate the old society!" I said, "Why?" He said, "If it were the old society, I would have robbed ×××, and if I couldn't be a wife, I would rape her!" "I was taken aback, it turned out that he was thinking of her too, but I hated this man, and if I could beat him, I would make him lie on the ground, pull a mouth of his teeth, and make his mouth a fart."

jealousy

I already sensed that she liked me too, her eyelashes were long, and she squinted when she smiled at me, dark like a pair of caterpillars. And more and more generously, I choked her up, shouted "no, no, no" like a child, and took a pair of fists and punched me. That night, the production team worked overtime to turn the ground, and when they were resting, they lit a bonfire on the ground, and everyone gathered around to listen to Sanwa talk about ancient and modern. She had gone elsewhere with a few women to facilitate it, but when she came back to see this side of the bustle, she said, "I want to listen too!" "I just slipped in between me and the other person, and sat in like a wedge." I put my hands on my knees, motionless, half of my body feeling her. Half of the body's blood vessels were all active, jumping "bang bang". Sanwa said a passage through ancient and modern times, and some people let her say "four hard", "four soft", "four incense", "four smells", and "four ugly". These four slips are vivid but with a little color. For example, "four soft": the new daughter-in-law's tongue pig urine bubble, fire crystal persimmon child baby waist. Embarrassed to listen, she got up and left. As soon as she left, Sanwa revealed a surprising news, saying that her parents were looking for her in-laws for her, and that a young blind date had come from a certain county in the Guanzhong Plain outside the mountain. I looked naturally lonely and didn't sleep well when I got home.

The next day, I was digging a drainage ditch in the lotus pond and saw a young man with a black and red face squatting by the edge of the pond, watching the swimming fish in the water, and some people said that it was an outsider from her family. I walked over and asked, "Are you from outside the mountain?" He said, "Hmm. You have a lot of water here. I said, "I heard that when a woman marries outside the mountain, she has to pee for three years!" He said, "We can eat steamed buns there!" I said, "Steamed buns are so black and so skinny you're eating!?" He got up to go, and I wouldn't let him go, grabbing a yellow eel in the gutter and throwing it at him, scaring him into yelling "whoa." I scolded, "Go back out of the mountain!" "So what better place than me about a little man?" Did he really come to marry her away?

At night, I went to take credit again, and she was also in the office, standing in the doorway to give me a look, she had never had such a look, I was so tame, I obediently followed her. We walked all the way to the dark theater building, where there was a rudder, and she was standing on the side of the reel, and I was standing on the side of the reel. The moment I had been looking forward to for a long time had come, and I really wanted to bend over and pull her hand, but I was trembling and my teeth were "clucking" and pounding. She said, "Uncle Ping, are you cold?" I said, "No, it's not cold." She laughed and suddenly said, "My family is an outsider from the mountains, do you know?" As soon as I mentioned the mountain outsider, I got angry, smothered for half a moment, and said, "Is it that black potato?" "The black potato is a kind of sweet potato, the color is black, and it is often used for abuse. She was not annoyed and said, "The old crow is still laughing at pig black, do you think I can't go?" "I was stupid and inexperienced, and in an instant I was impulsively confirmed by her blind date. If not, can that person live in your house for so many days? Since you agreed to go, did you come to me to say something, is it to humiliate me? I said stiffly, "That's your business, and I'm not a roundworm in your stomach!" She stood there for a long time, did not speak, and stomped a little, and then turned and left. We talked so shortly alone in no one's land, and we were so unhappy.

The first love made me fall in love with a simple mind, like carrying a bamboo pole into the city gate, only horizontal, not vertical. After the breakup that night, I was so angry that I didn't want to see her again, and vowed not to think about her. However, if you don't think about her, but think of her, how can you not think of her? I lay in the ground on Minotaur Ridge and looked at the clouds, suddenly realized that she could tell me about this, and listened to my words and walked away angrily, which showed that she still had me in her heart! She may be faced with a dilemma and can't make up her mind; perhaps she may be testing the extent of my love with this matter? I rolled over and sat up, deciding to find a chance to see her again, and I would bravely break through this layer of paper! However, for more than ten consecutive days, I never saw her again, and I thought that she had followed the outsiders of the mountain, and later I learned that she had been transferred to the literary and artistic propaganda team of the production brigade, and left early and returned late. The literary and art propaganda team rehearsed in an ancient temple on West Street, and I went there several times, and when I arrived at the temple, I heard the noise of the people in the temple, and I was afraid to go in. That morning, I got up very early, and on the pretext of going to the lotus pond to catch duckweed grass for the pigs, I sat on the road by the pond and waited for her to go to the temple. She appeared, but there were two other people with her, and I had to go into the lotus pond and lie there, with a dead lotus leaf on my head, watching her walk past the road ahead. Her feet were black, wearing a pair of rubber-soled shallow shoes, walking in a straight line, light and handsome. Soon, I heard Sanwa say that the black boy in Guanzhong had returned, and the marriage that had been nine times out of ten would somehow not work again. I was very happy to hear that Sanwa had been excreting in the pigsty that day, and I helped him very hard for a morning.

high tide

One dusk, the kind of big, red sun that fell on the mountain, and the red light hurriedly scorched the dusk of the earthen wall of my house. The family went out, and I was lying on the edge of the bedroom alone to watch "Water Margin". At first, I could hear the breeze rustling the fallen leaves and firewood in the yard, and then I couldn't hear anything, but on the night of the moon, Shi Xiu ran on Qingshi Street with a knife. Suddenly, there was a ring in the courtyard door, and someone asked, "Is there anyone there?" Deliberately stepping on heavy steps, he walked in and reached the door of the hall. The light on the book dimmed a little. I looked out through the small door of the bedroom, and it was her! Immediately overjoyed, overjoyed, he took a stool for her, and he wanted to take a pot to pour water, and when he crossed the threshold, he kicked his toes. She said, "Yo, I'm so important!" I said, "Are you the first to come back..." She said, "What book to read?" Thieves steal you without knowing! She held a pot of rice in her hand and chewed it in her mouth. I took the book from the kang and showed it to her, and she leaned over, her hair brushing my face, and I didn't move. She fed me the pot in her hand, and I took a small bite. I was in a complete dream, my heart beating so hard, my face was flushed, and I almost bit her mouth when I bit the pot. But I didn't dare, there was sweat on the tip of my nose on my forehead. Then something bizarre happened. I seemed to feel my soul break out of my body and hang in mid-air. I saw clearly that my body began to rummaging through boxes and cabinets to find something for her to eat, but the hall house did not; and I set up a stool to take the persimmon peel from the bamboo basket hanging from the wooden beam. The persimmon cake persimmon skin was gone, and I scolded my hungry brother, stood still for a moment, and trotted to the kitchen sieve and grabbed a handful of sweet potato chips and gave it to her. When she didn't answer, her mother squeezed in from outside the courtyard with a large bundle of dry bales of grain straw. She said loudly, "Mother, you let my uncle lie there and read a book, and you have to look at your eyes badly!" ”

Our relationship has developed to this point and is the climax. This was a love that was doomed to fail at the beginning, and later on the Construction Site of Miaogou Reservoir, the love affair continued, but until I left the countryside and came to Xi'an to study. Neither person's relationship was broken. I only met once on the road during college summer vacation visits, and she was already someone else's daughter-in-law, and she was following her niece. We have only said a few words, and we have not met in decades. First love is often a failure, and the change of events has transformed the weakness in human nature into an aesthetic, which is the meaning of first love for people to middle-aged people. Everyone has to fall in love, and every book has a love story, so my first love is not enough to boast, and I am not willing to write about suffering and love in the 5 years of the country. Showing off failed love is the subject of a successful career. I may have a false name, but I didn't succeed, and I recorded it because this life could not avoid it. Now, maybe I'm getting old, with my kids, and I like to tell the story.

track down

In 1970, my crush went to the reservoir site.

In the 1970s, there was a great development of water conservancy infrastructure, and Danfeng County launched three large reservoir projects in one fell swoop. I was unable to go because of my father's problems and had lost my qualification to be a militiaman, and then the production team was labor-intensive and resisted the completion of the quota allocated above, so I had to hide in the village. There are no active young people, and there is no one I have a crush on, who works in the fields with the old, the sick and the disabled every day. My life is boring and boring, and I often don't say a word all day. I planned to go to the reservoir site! When my cousin, who was a few years younger than me, came back from the construction site to get food, he told a lot of the buzz on the site. For example, how the linoleum shed of the dormitory is built at the bottom of the ditch; how to roll down the hillside on a rainy day, how to smash a hole in the roof of the shed; how to let the people who can't cook cook on the stove of dozens of people; how to make the big searchlight shine on the dam base at night, and the team of rammers is played; and the 5-day literary and art party has been performed from night to two o'clock at night... I didn't ask the one who was performing at the party when she wasn't in the reservoir, but I wanted to tell him the joy in my heart and let him expand one joy into two. But he was a long-beaked man, and I held back and didn't say anything to him. The cousin provided new information: the production teams did not have enough labor as required, so if they went to the construction site, the construction site would definitely accept it. In addition, the people from the construction site headquarters came to the Dehua Migrant Workers Company in the hope of recommending a person who could write to be a propagandist, everyone did not have a good writing, someone mentioned me... I didn't make a sound, and the next day I found the captain and offered to go to the reservoir construction site, but the captain did not allow it. After two more days, it was raining heavily, I couldn't go to work, I had nowhere to visit the door, I slept with my head in my hands for a while, and I was so stuffy that I packed a bag of grain grits and told my parents that I was going to the reservoir! Before my parents could react, I was out the door and left alone with a straw hat that had no brim. I was so sharp, as if I was gambling with someone, completely without considering the consequences: would the construction site accept it? Will the captain punish? What do parents think?

I rushed to the construction site, and the migrant workers were about to start the afternoon work after the lunch break, but I had not yet eaten. My cousin led me to see the person in charge of the Dihua Migrant Workers' Company, and then led me to the stove to ask if there was any leftovers? There was just a pot of paste noodle soup left, and I ate three bowls there. The person in charge of the migrant worker company asked: "Are you full?" I said, "Full." "He said I guess you should be full too!" In the afternoon you will have to pick up stones, or you will not have yours for dinner! I nodded and went to the warehouse to get the tools of labor. The rules on the construction site are that each person must pick up three stones from the river beach or quarry to the dam every day, and then record a 10 division of labor, and then eat on the stove - eat on the stove, and the state subsidizes each person with 15 pounds of white noodles per month. I dusted the stones all afternoon, tired and sweaty, but I did not have enough to do, and when the horn of the end of the work sounded, I sat in the river beach, scattered. Gao Qi of JiaYuan Village said to me: "I ask you a question, what is the heaviest thing in the world?" "Gao Qi was a political talent, and when he was in the village, he competed with my brother of his own clan for the position of militia company commander, and the two of them got into a fight. I said, "The hammer of the scales, the water in the cotton, your heart, my legs." Gao Qi laughed, but said, "Your legs? Just that hemp pole leg? I said, "My legs are so heavy I can't lift them!" "At night, my cousin and I slept in the linoleum shed. I thought I wouldn't be able to go on like this, I didn't come to pick up stones, I wanted to go to the headquarters to do propaganda! The next day, my cousin told Fuyin, the propaganda officer of the command headquarters, the news of my arrival, and then asked me to wander around in front of the headquarters. I followed the plan, circled twice at the entrance of the headquarters, and stretched my neck to watch others play chess. I love to play chess, it is impossible to watch chess without saying a word, seeing that the red square has set up a cannon, ready to jump the horse to force the palace, the black side even attacked only a pawn, I crouched down to take a step for him, did not want to be slapped on the shoulder. Turning my head, it was a twenty-six or seven-year-old man, with a square face and a red guard suit, and I said, "Isn't it right?" The man said, "Is your name Jappingwa?" "My eldest name is Jia Liping, and I was born in the Li family compound in Jinbin Village. But the country called children to hang a word and add a baby to the spoken language, and I was called a little name until I was eighteen or nineteen years old. I said, "Hmm. And the man said, "Have you ever written big letters?" I said, "I wrote big posters at school, and I also wrote banners." The man looked at me for a long time with his eyes, and he must have doubted my answer, and I was thin and small, and my image was delicate. At this time, my heart was still worried about the Hanchu River, the red side really forced the palace, the black side nurse, the black side should not be a nurse, have to be urgent. I muttered, "Stinky chess! Seeing that my cousin not far away was giving me a look, I suddenly understood that the person standing in front of me might be from the command headquarters, and immediately said: "I built a ladder and wrote a big slogan on the wall of the street in Shangzhen!" The man said, "Come to the headquarters tomorrow morning, my name is Zhang Fuyin." ”

The next day, I arrived at the headquarters, where Fuyin and An Fu mimeographed a battle report of the Miaogou Reservoir site, and two people sat in chairs smoking cigarettes. Throughout the day, I wrote countless slogans. Fuyin accompanied the short and fat leader, and later learned that his name was Li Zhiwen, and came to the construction site to see me write, and they were surprised that I wrote so well. I went crazy and said, "Essays are better than words!" They laughed and said, "You're the commanding officer from today onwards!" "In the headquarters, I can record 8 divisions of labor a day, which is almost three times the work points of a day I work in the village, and I can also get a subsidy fee of two yuan per month, which is not enjoyed by the people of the migrant worker company." Such a good thing came to me, and I ran alone to a deep pool on the river beach to swim, stripped naked, and shouted. I vowed to keep this job, to be down-to-earth and diligent, to satisfy all the leaders of the command, and to keep me for a long time. The deep pool where I was swimming was on the lower river beach of the construction site, and no one came here after dinner, but the person I had a crush on appeared. I was digging my head out of the water when I saw her coming from a distance. I let out an "ah" and immediately dived into the water because I was naked. When she had already walked past the waterhole, I put on my clothes and shouted from behind: "Hey! Hello ——! She froze for a moment, ran over at once, and said, "I heard that you came, but I didn't see you, so did you go to the headquarters?" I said, "I'll be officially going in the afternoon." "She's a little darker than she was in the village, but her face is more contoured, her hair freshly washed, and her hair is fluffy and shiny. She was going to borrow something from the family downstream of the river, but suddenly decided not to go, led me back, and went to their dormitory.

It turned out that she and a group of young women lived in a mountain family far from our shed. As soon as we entered, everyone looked at me, and I couldn't stand the gaze of so many women, and my ears and face were red with embarrassment. As soon as their ears turned red, they suspected me, and their eyes were suddenly different. She said, "This is my uncle, I call him Uncle Li!" Everybody said, "Really? Such a small uncle! She said, "Uncle." They said, "Uncle? If your uncle can be taller, he is a good uncle! "Well, the mouth is big, the mouth is big, but the lips are thicker." "I'm in good health!" They giggled at me, and then they went outside and said, "Let's go, let's go!" "I even closed the door." But she still pulled the door open, opened the window again, sat down, and said, "They bullshit!" I took my eyes and began to look at her boldly, her eyes first greeted, then her eyes full of smiles, and finally embarrassed, made a grimace, leaned over the large wooden bed, and went to get the walnuts on the windowsill. She crawled like a rabbit, her feet rising and one shoe falling, her bare-arched instep and her toes stained with red-colored toenails. At that time, girls used henna to mash their nails, but usually dye their fingernails, and I only saw her when I dyed her toenails. I was "buzzing" again, feeling tingling under the roots of my ears, biting my tongue with my teeth, reaching over to pinch the foot, but the hand reached out and did not fall, a dog sat silently in the doorway, it shouted: "Wang! "Scared me to sit there honestly.