I've always thought that a facetious, labeled moral critique of someone else's affairs is a stupid and violent thing to do. This matter is extremely complex and needs to be judged from the perspective of society, ethics, morality, self-perception differences, emotional development levels, etc., while distinguishing between spontaneous and conscious, it is not either/or. What a more open and ethical society should look like, we actually know in our hearts. Those who are pan-moralized are the real bitches. My indulgence or persistence, shut up your ass? Your criticism and clamor, and my ass?
Brushing away the dust and dirt on the mirror, I hope to witness the existence of self-awareness, which is extremely precious.
On the way from Kunming to Dali, I guarded the window of the long-distance bus in a daze, thinking back to the bits and pieces of time when I was with Fang Xia. For us, there are always two things I don't understand. Why did she love me so much, the scumbag, and why did I leave her resolutely.
Fang Xia loved me and used all his strength. Later, I once examined the women who passed by me one by one, and Fang Xia undoubtedly loved me the most, and her love was worldly and firm. She would pay attention to my family in addition to me, and see it as her duty to do so, like a virtuous wife.
When I was in middle school, I didn't have a Beijing hukou, and my status of studying in Beijing was borrowing. So when it came time for the college entrance examination, I had to go back to the northeast to take the exam. Unfortunately, my first college entrance exam was terrible, and I could only read one of the worst specialties in the province. This was simply unacceptable to me, and in the end I gave up the admission and decided to repeat the study for a year and continue to sprint for the college entrance examination. Fang Xia's grades are usually average, the college entrance examination is even more general, and she finally went to her father's school in Yanjiao Town, Hebei Province, and was not alarmed.
I started repeating at a secondary school in another small town not far from home. It was the most fulfilling and joyful time of my life, with a clear goal in mind and knowing that it would be achieved. I spent half a year reviewing day and night, making the middle school curriculum system several times, and finally confirmed that I had passed through during the winter vacation, and the college entrance examination was no problem. So, in the days that followed, my pace slowed down, and while maintaining the intensity of my revision, I began to read miscellaneous books, even on the eve of the college entrance examination, I still had to read a novel called "Blood Twilight" all night. During this time, I maintained correspondence with several classmates in Beijing, including Fang Xia of course. Fang Xia would tell me everything she had in college, even that her class president was chasing her, and she refused. Fang Xia cut the ends of her hair, wrapped them up and sent me a letter, and she kept telling me that she was waiting for me to find her, even if she went to Hunan first, and then went to Beijing after graduation four years later. I probably replied to the letters on a two-letter basis, and there wasn't much specific about it except to comfort her and tell her I would go back. There were only two things in my life at that time, homework and messy reading, there was nothing to say, homework Fang Xia was not interested, and miscellaneous books were even more so. It was so dull that I remember only one thing, I went to climb the wild mountain behind the school on the morning of a rest day, and then on a whim I walked down the ridge in the snow, and finally walked the small mountain range in the evening, without eating or drinking or feeling tired.
I stood on the last hillside in the twilight and watched a train at the foot of the mountain slowly pass by, glowing yellow and making me feel cold. I felt a deep sense of sadness at that time. I don't know what kind of people are in the car, they just pass my eyes, but they never pass my life.
In fact, even if you pass by, even if you have been passing through for decades, what can you do? In the end, it was just a separation.
It was getting darker, the wild mountains were only shadows, the snow reflected the shimmer of the sky, the train was gone, only a whistle was still echoing, and the horn was blowing cold.
After a short winter vacation, I began to continue to repeat the days, homework and irrelevant reading, occasionally imitating the filling words, sending to a classmate in Beijing, he was keen to go to the triangle of Peking University to copy things and send them to me, and I made a contrived and clumsy filler word back to him, fantasizing that this was the singing and harmony of the ancient people's literary style.
There were twenty minutes of exercise time between classes in the morning, and I usually didn't bother to go out, just in time to do my own thing. But that day the ghost sent God downstairs. As I passed the door of the building, I saw a girl standing there and didn't care. After passing her, I instinctively looked back, because fashionable and beautiful girls were rare in this town, and she was very different from the girls at this school. Beauty will always attract the attention of teenagers. I pretended not to care and looked at it a few more times, turned my head back, and continued to walk forward.
Then, I froze and turned violently, and Fang Xia was standing in the March sun smiling at me, bright and quiet.
Yes, Fang Xia did everything she could for love. Not running over during the winter vacation can avoid parental questioning. The curriculum at the beginning of the school year is not tight, and the truant teacher does not care. No matter how late and not motivating, it doesn't give me enough time to adjust. Most importantly, she missed me so much that she couldn't stand it anymore. In order to surprise me, she did not reveal a trace of tone, only found a station based on the postmark on my letter, and ran to me resolutely. At that time, the traffic was far less convenient than it is now, and she came by train for more than thirty hours, and in the middle she had to change trains at unfamiliar stations in the north, waiting, without considering any difficulties and risks on the road. Doing so now is nothing more than a journey, and at that time, the security was chaotic, the time was long, and it was no different from taking risks.
Writing this, I suddenly felt cold, and my fingers had unconsciously frozen. I finally truly knew what I had missed and what I had ended up getting. Before this moment, I did have guilt and nostalgia, but I also had a secret pride. You see how attractive I am, a small-town youth, who can make Fang Xia treat me like this.
After many years, she firmly rushed to finally achieve a perfect self and a perfect adolescent love, and she was still an immortal light in my heart after all.
In the end, she gave me the perfect revenge.