Author: Connie
I recently witnessed a debate about parenting philosophies at a parenting sharing session.
The father of a daughter who graduated from Harvard University shared his parenting experience with everyone, including: respecting children, spending more time with children, taking children to participate in outdoor activities, being reasonable... Wait a minute.
In the interactive session, when the father mentioned that his child slept in a separate room with his parents since he was a child, and was particularly independent, one mother came forward and retorted that this was not right.
The mom, a die-hard fan of Intimate Child-rearing at Sears, insists that children who sleep with their parents are safe.
She is very proud to tell everyone that her children have been sleeping with themselves until they are 6 years old, their sense of security is not strong, the transition of separation anxiety period is very smooth, and now they are older and more confident and brave.
At this time, some people can't help but question, all say that the family relationship should put the husband and wife relationship first, from this point of view, just to meet the child's sense of security is not to pick sesame seeds and lose watermelon.
A parenting sharing meeting suddenly became a battlefield for major parenting concepts to compete with each other.
I remembered a photo I saw on the Internet before: someone praised the Chinese father, saying that this is the father's love is like a mountain, and the child must be very happy. Some argue that focusing solely on a child's needs can lead to over-spoiling and bad self-centered thoughts.
All kinds of sounds come together, noisy and alarming. So, what exactly is the right thing to do?
Is there a perfect parenting style in the world that can ensure that your children are happy and successful? I think this is a doubt that every mother has ever had in her heart.
To find the answer to this question, the BBC followed several British families with different parenting styles to answer our questions.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" >A harsh family: if you make a mistake, you will be punished</h1>
Paul and Nikki are a couple who embrace a traditional and demanding education style, they have two children, and the daily code of conduct of the couple has clear requirements.
★ For example, you must wear slippers when entering the door;
★ At home, eating and drinking water can only be carried out at the table, nestled in the sofa to eat snacks and watch TV, do not think about it;
★ Be polite and say "please" and "thank you" when asking for help.
If the child makes a mistake, he will be punished by the penalty station, and when he disobeys, he will be beaten.
In such a strict educational style, the two children are indeed very obedient, will help clean up the dishes, and treat people very politely.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" >B material family: want to give the best to the child</h1>
Chantel, a 28-year-old single mother with three children, works three jobs at the same time and sometimes leaves work even at four in the morning, with little time to rest.
She transformed her love for her three children into material satisfaction, and everything the children looked up to would be bought by their mothers.
Chantel took it for granted that the best way to spend the weekend with the children was to buy them toys, but the children were already numb to the toys that were readily available...
Blind compromise and satisfaction did not exchange for the child's obedience, the two older children were not very willing to listen to their mother's words, and the youngest daughter Kamiya, who lacked companionship, was extremely eager for her mother's attention and often could not control her emotions.
Material gratification is a manifestation of spiritual deprivation, and Cherry believes that a simple substance cannot replace patient companionship.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" >C protected family: I want to protect two babies</h1>
For Fay, keeping her two children safe is her most important task every day.
The most important reason why Fay and her husband chose to live in the current apartment is that the apartment is surrounded by a high fence. The fence is considered safe and children are not allowed to go out and play alone
Fay left behind many newspapers with cases, often telling the children about terrible cases and reminding them of strangers and scams. Always hold the child's hand firmly when going out, and you can't relax for a moment.
Under the influence of her mother, the 10-year-old daughter is full of fear of the world.
Perhaps Fay's approach is a bit extreme, but "letting go" is not an easy task for every parent.
<h1 class = "pgc-h-arrow-right" >D free-type families: let children be educated at home</h1>
Kate is a vegetarian best-selling author, a mother of three, who has her own unique perspective on educating children.
Kate believes that a strict school education may produce outstanding lawyers and doctors, but such a life is not good in itself, so she insists on educating her children at home.
She attaches great importance to cultivating children's independent learning ability. Every day, she keeps the children's classes in order, and the children have free time to sleep and skate on the street every day.
In Kate's way of education, the child's ability to learn independently is very strong, and her 13-year-old son will make his own learning plan and learn the courses he is interested in through the Internet.
Her children are happy and the mother-child relationship is very close.
But this parenting style is not something that every parent is capable of doing, and there is no socially recognized academic certificate, and it is not universal.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" >E competitive family: "Win at the starting line"</h1>
The opposite is Emily's family.
Emily can be said to be a more typical Chinese parent, and his educational philosophy is to "win at the starting line".
Emily herself is an elite, having been admitted to the Oxford Mathematics Department at the age of 16, so she is completely accustomed to a "successful" life.
She provides a lot of educational resources to the children, the children have to attend tutoring classes every week, the children lose a lot of time to play, but the mother thinks that she can sacrifice a little happiness for future success.
What kind of parenting style is the best?
After watching this documentary, we seem to have found the answer, that is, there is no answer.
Every parenting style has strengths and weaknesses.
We can see our own shadow in each mother, and we can understand their beliefs and confusion. Faced with the problem of educating children, no mother has the so-called optimal solution.
The pursuit of perfection and the best, not only can not bring the best to the child, but will bring anxiety to the parents.
From the beginning of the child's birth, worry about insufficient breast milk, afraid that the child's nutrition will not keep up;
The child is older, worried that his enlightenment is not doing well, and the child's IQ development cannot keep up;
Seeing intimate parenting books, tired to the point of collapse and wanting to meet every need of the child;
Seeing the words that encourage children to be independent, and I am afraid that I have done too much to spoil children...
We are carried around by this torrent of anxiety, and every popular parenting concept has become the object of our pursuit.
We are disturbed by the noisy sounds of the outside world, blindly focusing on the so-called "successful examples" and "children of others" in the outside world, but forgetting to focus on the children, to find out what is the most suitable for children.
Moreover, 100 mothers have 100 looks, and each person's birth, growth experience, education level and living environment have huge differences, not to mention that the child itself is very different, how can there be a universal methodology?
American psychologist Daniel. Dr. Siegel writes in the book that parenting is actually more like walking on a river. We are always moving back and forth between the two sides of the strait, especially when we are learning to be parents. However, as long as you don't go to an extreme, crashing into the shore and causing you to run aground or sink, it is the perfect upbringing.