One sunny morning, I was looking up information at the front desk. The courier brother walked into the company with a large bouquet of flowers, "Please ask which is Teacher Liu Yang." I helped sign for it, and after taking the flowers, I saw the convenience note in the bouquet of flowers, "I wish you a good start", without a signature. When I held this bouquet of flowers on the front stage and put it at Liu Yang's workstation, I heard that this bouquet of flowers was the first day of her career surprise given to her by her lover, which also happened to be the nineteenth anniversary of her marriage to her lover.
The fate of Liu Yang and Button family education began with such a ritualistic thing.
Text/Liu Cai
Video/Wu Qi
Editing/Hao Xiaonan
01, after the crash
[Casual] is liu yang's definition of himself.
"Give me a book, a couch, and I can nestle there quietly all day." When my friend heard about it, he would find me bored and asked me to go out and walk around more. Liu Yang was full of smiles when he talked about this matter, which made people full of picture sense. It seems that the noisy voice of the friend rings in the ear, but after the other party finished speaking, he looked at Liu Yang with a comfortable and calm face, and he really did not know how to continue this topic. Because in Liu Yang's view, "quiet can give birth to wisdom", quietly getting along with yourself, has never been a defect.
As a psychological counselor, Liu Yang's work needs to face various out-of-control moments of parents. The most heard words are probably "Teacher, I really can't stand it, the child is just working against me, I'm going to collapse." At this time, the more "quiet", the more effective it is to face the collapse of parents. Because "no matter how the parents collapse, you have to sink your heart, enlighten the parents a little bit, and slowly analyze with the parents."
After calming the emotions of parents, the work that should be carried out is still to be carried out. Working in button homeschooling is a complex and voluminous process. Liu Yang said that this is a bit like the "expert consultation" in the hospital. After receiving feedback from parents, it is usually the teachers of the expert group who sit together to help parents analyze the causes of problems in their children. Sometimes it is the child's own problem, more or more of the family education environment, as well as the child's interpersonal relationship, school environment and so on comprehensive problems. "So the expert group will help parents to do the analysis from different angles."
After analyzing the causes, the team of experts will develop a series of solutions to solve this problem. But no matter what the plan, usually the first step is to change the parents' perception first.
Liu Yang said that there are roughly three types of parents encountered at work.
A type of parent is a relatively "strong type", in the cognition of these parents, the child's disobedience is mainly the child's responsibility. Parents work hard to provide a good material life for their children, "what reason does the child have to disobey";
The second type of parent is the "hand-throwing leadership type", and the most said by these parents is: "Teacher, I understand what you say, but I can't do it, you tell the child directly." They hope that the dialogue between the psychological teacher and the child can directly change the child;
The third type of parent is the "conditional type", and these parents often start with "if, then...", "If the child can make a change, then I am willing to change my way.".
In the face of different parents, the communication methods are different, and the solutions given by the expert team are usually dynamic. This is because when it is really implemented, it will be adjusted in time according to the situation of children and parents. Liu Yang mentioned a professional term "parallel counseling" here, "that is, on the one hand, to do the child's work, let the child make changes, on the other hand, to do the parent's work, so that parents can see the child's change, and then promote parents to make changes." ”
Although there are many ways to solve the problem, Liu Yang still recommends that parents try to cooperate with the teacher's work in the process of receiving tutoring. "In a conscientious and responsible teacher, he or she cannot walk into the real life of the parents for a long time and live with the members of this family. It is still necessary for parents to take the lead in adjusting their mentality, accepting the opinions of psychological teachers, and changing the mode of getting along with their children, so that the family can get on the right track in the future."
For those powerless moments that parents face in life, it is time to collapse and collapse, after all, "everyone needs a way to release themselves", but no matter how much collapse, do not say to children "why should I give birth to you", "why are you so bad" these words. We are adults and can quickly adjust in a collapsed emotion, but once the child's heart collapses, it becomes a pain that is difficult for us to heal. Nine times out of ten things in life are not satisfactory, the important thing is never the collapse of the moment of collapse, but the ability to regain confidence and determination to solve problems after the collapse.
02, "sense of ceremony" and "imperfection"
Liu Yang's first day of family education at Buttons began with a bouquet of flowers sent by his lover. Speaking of this, Liu Yang described himself as a bit "Versailles", feeling that he received such a large bouquet of flowers on the first day of employment, which was a bit high-profile.
"Actually, I'm not a particularly ritualistic person in my life." The day of the flower delivery is not only the first day that Liu Yang came to Button Family Education, but also a new chapter in her 21-year education experience, but also the 19th anniversary of her and her lover. "I'm not really prepared to celebrate this day, but for me personally, it's a new chapter in my work, and I still hope to have some special ways to commemorate it."
Liu Yang said that he is a more pragmatic person, who is busy every day and does not pay special attention to the sense of ceremony. But after doing the psychological counseling industry, I found that there are still some [ritualistic] things in life, "this can increase our life happiness index, so occasionally we still have to celebrate something special."
Yeah, whether it's 21 or 19, it's a number to celebrate. But instead of celebrating a person who has persevered for 21 years, it celebrates a person who has loved for 21 years.
This love for work has always lingered in Liu Yang's heart and slowly integrated into her life.
Liu Yang's lover and daughter are very supportive of her work. When the child is young, the family will still complain about neglecting the family because the work is too busy, but as time goes by, the benefits of the job become more and more obvious. "My lover often says that the thorny problems encountered in educating children are not a matter for you." Liu Yang believes that he can reach an agreement with his lover on the issue of education, in addition to the trust and understanding of his lover, but also thanks to his job, "Long-term dealings with all kinds of parents and children will make me more objective and more transparent on education issues." ”
The reason why she can become a "transparent" mother comes from Liu Yang's experience on the one hand, and from her changes on the other hand.
Liu Yang said that his mother is also a somewhat "strong" parent. "Growing up, the main tone of my family was 'as long as you study well, nothing else matters'." Fortunately, although her mother attached importance to learning, she only strictly disciplined Liu Yang and never persecuted her. It is not difficult to understand why Liu Yang prefers to get along with himself after work than the lively party. "But sometimes when I think about it, when I was a child, I still regret that I had a lot less time to play."
Many years later, when Liu Yang became a mother, compared with the strict constraints of his mother on himself, Liu Yang's education of his daughter was more "democratic" and "free". In addition to giving children time to play, Liu Yang will also deliberately design a lot of things to accompany children to play with his lover. Perhaps this way of education is Liu Yang's desire to make up for the small regrets he left behind in his growth, or perhaps this is the education method that Liu Yang has adopted in the context of different eras that is more in line with the development of the times. But whatever the reason, the impact of this change is positive. Instead of becoming an excellent mother, Liu Yang chose to grow up with her daughter. "I want to be proud of my daughter. When a mother behaves well, I am the pride of my daughter; when my daughter behaves well, my daughter is my pride."
Instead of becoming a great person, Liu Yang said that he hopes that his daughter will first learn to accept herself. "We can all make ourselves good through our own efforts, but we don't have to be perfect."
03. Move stones
In his early twenties, in the face of problems encountered at work, Liu Yang had doubts about himself and wondered whether he was suitable for the job. The mentor enlightened her that every job will encounter challenges and difficulties, and if the thinking mode of encountering challenges is to give up, then this is very likely to become a work habit. When you change a job and still encounter challenges, you will give up again, so that for a long time, people cannot grow and become a very energetic person. Therefore, when encountering difficulties and challenges, can we first insist on it, what we can't solve, can we seek help, exert the strength of the team, and find a way to overcome this problem.
In the interview, Liu Yang also shared a story with us -
"There was a father and son driving out to play, and on the way they encountered a rock blocking the way. The son got out of the car and poked his little ass, exerting all his strength to make the stone move a bit. He turned to his father and said, "This stone is too heavy, I can't move it, I give up." The father looked at his son lovingly and asked him, "Did you really try your best?" The son stepped forward and tried hard, but he still couldn't move, at this time the father said, "If you can't move it yourself, can you find someone else to help you?" At this time, the son suddenly realized, took his father's hand, and the father and son moved the stone away together.
Liu Yang said she often shares this story with parents because on the road to children's growth, they often encounter difficulties and challenges. At this time, the companionship of parents will make children feel safe, the encouragement of parents will make children have the courage to overcome difficulties, and the correct guidance of parents will make children become a brave and forward, full of positive energy.
The road to growth is never smooth, there will always be a variety of [roadblocks], whether to bypass, or move away, the attitude of parents is crucial.
"We are all ordinary people, just to see if we want to grow up with our children."