In the playground, the little girl: "Mom, I want to play with them?" ”
Mom said, "Then you go and ask them, can I play with you?" ”
The little girl went over and asked, but was refused, so she went back to her mother in frustration and asked, "Why don't they want to play with me?" ”
Although her mother was distressed, she seemed to be unable to do anything, so she said to the little girl, "Mother play with you." ”
Has your child ever had a rejection experience? What do you say to your child when you want to guide your child to take the initiative to make friends, when you want to encourage your child to integrate into group life?
I believe that most parents will use this "textbook golden sentence", "Hello, can I play with you?" ”
But in fact, this seemingly perfect "social golden sentence" for children aged 0-6 years old social, the effect is often the opposite, and may even hit the child's initiative and enthusiasm for dating, in other words, it may not make your child more active, but make him more afraid of socializing, why?
According to Tang Mama's observation and discussion with colleagues in the family education guidance group, the results are as follows:
Usually when the child says, "Can I play with you?" When this sentence is said, the other child generally has these 4 reactions:
The first: the other party looks at your child for a moment, and then silently continues to play with their own, some may not even raise their heads, continue to play their own;
Second: If the other party is also a person, they may run away directly or hide behind their family;
The third kind: direct answer: "No", we don't know you or we are enough;
Fourth: There are very few positive answers that children have happy with, that is, the standard answer that corresponds to the ideal, saying, "Okay, let's play together." ”
"Can I play with you?" The standard polite inquiry in our eyes as adults does not help children to quickly participate in a team game, but may make children experience countless rejections. Many parents may ask again, why? Why don't the children play their cards according to the normal routine? Is it that the other parent did not teach?
The answer has to do with the child's growth patterns.
Child psychologist Michael. Thompson in the book "Mom, They Bully Me - Help Children Solve Social Problems" proposed that children's social core skills are not exactly the same as adults' social skills, they rarely introduce themselves to each other, they directly start playing together, they may ask for names, but most of them will not introduce themselves.
Yes, children's social networking is simple and rude, there is no "please", "thank you", "can not" such social skills, if parents in the guidance of 0-6 years old children, too much emphasis on politeness and inquiry, then is to clearly give the other child a chance to refuse, and the other party's rejection is not malicious.
Because 0-6-year-old children's language expression ability and thinking ability are imperfect, their own social skills are also lacking, children are not willing to be interrupted when they are having fun, they will not think in a different position, what will happen after the other party is rejected, will it be more fun to join a person? When faced with questions such as "do you want to", "can you do it", the child may habitually give you a negative answer: "no", "not good", "no",
And for children before the age of 6, the probability of friendship is not formed, and in their minds "friends" are people who play together.
0-2-year-old babies, most of them like to play alone, there are no small partners around them they do not care, ta is more concerned about the toys in their hands;
Babies aged 3-4 begin to have the need to interact with their peers, but most of the time they are still self-centered, even if several children are together, it is also a toy to play with each other.
After the age of 4, the interaction between children to play games begins to increase, and slowly they can play cooperative games.
Children's social networking is very interesting, often see a group of children one second is still "grabbing toys", the next second began to play and play, haha laugh. Therefore, parents should no longer teach their children to use the "golden sentences" of crepe crepe to hit the wall, and directly give their children a little simple and rude social "dry goods" to help children integrate into the collective.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="70" > dry goods one: observe first and then integrate</h1>
In fact, most of the children also do this, but some parents are very anxious, why do their children only stand by and watch, do not go up to play together?
Sometimes it's not the child who is timid, it's that he is observing, what game they are playing, what are the rules of the game. Parents should not be in a hurry to interrupt the child's observation, nor should they be anxious to encourage the child: "You go, you go up." "You can't play without understanding the rules, and no child wants to play together if you don't follow the rules."
Parents may wish to accompany their children to patiently see what they play and how they play, and then encourage their children to join directly.
Is it very simple, and the rules of the game between children are not absolute, and they can play together without knowing each other.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="99" > dry goods two: smile and encouragement</h1>
In a variety show. Cai Shaofen's young daughter complained to her mother: "The children don't like her, they only like to play with their sisters." ”
Cai Shaofen comforted the child like this: "I think your feeling is real, I also accept your feeling, I teach you one thing, that is, you smile a little more, you take the initiative." ”
The child's emotions are simple and direct, like to laugh, do not like may cry, in fact, children can use a smile to know, who may become their friends.
If you want to play with others, then first follow him with your eyes, and then when he sees you, you smile at him, if the other party reciprocates with a smile, then you join the high probability will not be rejected, if the response is very cold, then try again 2 times, if there is no response 3 times, then the possibility of rejection is greater.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="100" > dry goods three: take your own toy out</h1>
Toys are the center of children's topics and social "stepping stones". Children may be interested in each other's toys, maybe you don't need to integrate into others, someone will take the initiative to play with you.
Moreover, different toys gathered together may collide with more fun games and diverse ways to play, and using toys as "stepping stones" is more effective than dry inquiries.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="101" > Dry Goods Four: Let children learn to play</h1>
There are 2 children like this, one wants to join the team that plays with sand, and one who wants to join the team that draws.
The first kid did this, and after observing it for a while, he clapped and said, "You guys are so beautiful, is it a castle?" ”
Here's one of the kids saying, "Yeah, we're digging a moat for the castle." ”
At this time, the child said, "Then I will carry a bucket of water." He brought a bucket of water and asked if it was okay to add water?
Look at another little friend, as soon as he went up, he said in a disgusted tone: "You don't paint at all, ugly death, I will paint?" "When you're done, you're going to grab someone's pen and draw it yourself."
2 children who happily integrated into the group? The answer is obvious, it must be the first "will be the scene" of the child, the child is like to encourage and praise, parents usually use more words of encouragement to motivate the child, the same, the child in the communication with peers, will also use the same way, if the child at home are hit, then he will also be accustomed to using the way of blowing and peer communication.
Let children learn to be flattered, but to give children the ability to discover the strengths of their peers. Have you gone into the pit of social "golden sentences"? Has your child ever been rejected because of this? #秋季带娃好时光 #
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="105" > Tang's mother's message:</h1>
American psychologist Carnegie believes that success equals 30% talent plus 70% interpersonal relationships. Social skills are very important abilities in the process of children's growth, and this ability is not innate, and is closely related to family education.
I am Tang Mama, intermediate nursery teacher + family education instructor, multi-platform maternal and infant parenting original author, focusing on sharing infant and child care knowledge, parent-child early education methods, family education concepts, welcome everyone to pay attention to @ post-90s nursery tang mama, leave a message to consult or discuss.