4 ways to handle ex items reveals 4 different attachment styles.
The individual's attachment style is related to his upbringing, and the way he handles relationships during his growth is usually fixed. In people's understanding of relationships, they can be roughly divided into two categories: one is important relationships, and the other is irrelevant relationships. Whether it's a friend or a stranger, it's important that we classify it as an insignificant relationship, then we all handle it the same way. This means that old friends who have been with you for more than ten years may not be as close as they are to strangers. Psychologists have found that a person's understanding of important relationships determines his attachment style. As an important relationship, intimacy can reveal an individual's attachment style through a number of actions.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="3" > the way the predecessor's items are handled, revealing attachment styles</h1>
Continue to use
If you continue to use items left by your ex after the breakup, it means you're secure attachment. For you, it won't be because an object reminds you of something unhappy. In fact, if an object reminds you of some unhappy experience, then you instinctively reject the object. For secure attachment people, the attitude toward relationships is rational, objective, and logical. You will be able to choose a relationship that makes you feel comfortable without wronging yourself into accepting a relationship that is not comfortable. You are a person who dares to love and dare to hate, and if you love a person, you will take the initiative to chase him, and if you don't love, you won't drag the mud and water.
The main feeling of a secure attachment person is to feel secure and not feel anxious about the beginning or end of a relationship. They love someone not because the other person can give them a sense of security, but simply because the other person has enough places to attract them. They have a stronger initiative in relationships and do not passively accept a relationship. Because they are too rational and calm, they may feel differently about happiness than others. Secure attachment family relationships are clear and unambiguous, and there are no vague, irreconcilable contradictions. Their parents were able to autonomously relate to interpersonal relationships, which had the same effect on them.
Give it back to the other person
If you return the other person's things after a breakup, you're an avoidant attachment person. Your personality is sensitive and introverted, and any item will be given some meaning. If you still have these things after a breakup, it will remind you of unpleasant experiences. But if you throw it away, you can't show that you have drawn a line with the other party. Returning something to the other person seems like the best option for you. Your understanding of relationships is that if it's not the best, then there's no need to continue. Therefore, there are not many friends around you, and you are often as lonely as Lin Daiyu. You're not particularly attached to relationships and seem to prefer to live alone.
Avoidant attachment people are usually also avoidant personalities, because they are too traumatic in the social experience, so they are not very much expected of interpersonal relationships. Avoidant personalities are more immersed in their own world and do not like to be disturbed. They try their best to suppress the need for love, just to better protect themselves. Their fear of being hurt in intimate relationships comes from their understanding of their original family. Their parents may not have a very good relationship, often quarreling or even fighting, which makes them feel disappointed in their intimate relationship. They will have an inferior side and feel that they are always dragging others down, which is another reason why they alienate others.
Stay, but don't use
If you leave your ex's stuff behind after a breakup but don't use it, it means you're a conflicted attachment person. The so-called contradictory attachment means that you are eager to be loved by others, but you can never be sure whether others love you. So you'll try to confirm your place in the other person's mind in a number of ways, and you may frequently use breakups to test the other person to see if the other person really loves you. The reason you stay but don't use it is because you subconsciously desire to be able to restore the relationship. Conflicting attachment people are always unconfident in relationships, leading to pathological behavior of repeatedly verifying their place in the minds of others.
Ambivalent attachment behaves like a child, always pushing the boundaries of the parents in a naughty way, with the aim of testing how much the parents care about themselves. Conflicting attachment people not only lack self-confidence, but also have difficulty developing trust in others. With people like this, you may have to say love them a hundred times a day, otherwise they will feel abandoned. They are always so nervous, always worried about being abandoned. This means that in their original families, they may always be threatened to abandon themselves by their parents. They are insecure inside and need to rely on a reliable relationship to satisfy their inner security.
Just throw it away
If you just throw away your ex's stuff after a breakup, you're an anxious attachment person. The intimate relationship you crave is intimate, indistinguishable from your relationship with me. It is as if they were connected to each other by an invisible umbilical cord. You long for the other person to love you unconditionally, and you long for the other person to pay attention to you unconditionally. You're especially worried that the other person has their own ideas because it's a betrayal to you. You desire the other person to obey you unconditionally and develop exactly as you expect. This relationship is like the relationship between the baby and the parents, and the baby who does not grow up longs for the parents to take care of themselves meticulously, and the parents to always be by their side. It is clear that this is an immature intimate relationship, and the result is to scare the other person away. A person who can't take care of himself also has a hard time taking care of other people. Intimate relationships should take care of each other, not give one-sidedly.
All in all, you can roughly guess your attachment style based on your attitude towards your ex's items. Knowing your attachment style, you can change yourself according to your actual situation and make yourself more mature.
Author: Jiuxiao Yunke