Text/Lao Wang
Stills from "The Legend of the Demon Cat"
From a small Turkic intermediary, a trickster agent, step by step to the three towns of jiedushi envoy, was named the king of Dongping County, and even became the emperor for more than a year.
An Lushan, it is certainly not simple.
Today, Lao Wang is also vicious once, and he picks up the bottom pants of this big fat man
01
An Lushan's origin is very predictable.
Mother Ashd, Occupation: Turkic wizard, jumping god. After many years of marriage, his stomach was depressed, and he went to Zaji Mountain to pray:
O God of War, give me a child.
In the eyes of the Turkic people, Mount Zaji is the "god of battle".
The god of war was indeed anxious to be righteous and righteous, and to help others, Ashde was conceived and gave birth to a son, and named it Rolling Mountain.
02
The legend of An LuShan is very mysterious.
In the Taiping Guangji, there is such a record:
"And tasted the feast with the night, and Lu Shan was drunk and turned into a pig and a dragon's head."
An Lushan drank five times and drank three times, lying down, squatting, and transforming into a fat pig, but with a dragon head.
In Hong Yi's "Hall of Eternal Life", there is also a record:
"One day, after Lushan was drunk, he suddenly appeared with the body of a pig-headed dragon, and he said that he was a pig dragon..."
The first is the pig's body dragon head; the second is the pig's head dragon body. If they are combined into one, isn't it —
A pig.
03
An Lushan's father has a lot of ——
Father,Yingzhou Liucheng Yikang surnamed Hu Ren;
Stepfather, Tang Shifan's brother An Yanyan (安延偃);
Righteous father, Youzhou Jiedushi envoy Zhang Shoujue;
Gan Dad, Tang Xuanzong Li Longji.
There is a dry father and a dry mother, that is Yang Guifei.
This "family of three" is actually quite interesting:
In the year of the "baptism ceremony", the father was 62 years old, the mother was 28 years old, and the son was 44 years old.
04
An Lushan is very clever.
In the impression of many people, An Lushan is a rogue who does not learn and has no skills;
In fact, An Lushan was proficient in the Six Chinese, and could be called the "Western Regions Scholar", and he also worked as a middleman (Yalang) to make a big difference.
05
An Lushan was very faceless, but he could not face the idea very much.
For example, Tang Xuanzong's pet Yang Guifei was spoiled without edges, and Bai Juyi also made a gossip in the "Long Hate Song":
"There is no leisure for the feast, and the spring is from the spring to the night."
A bad old man in his 60s, how can he eat it?
If you don't say, those who know how to do fathers and mothers, sons also. Soon, An Lushan was happily offering a hundred flowers of love.
This thing, to put it bluntly, is the Datang version of "Wei. Brother".
06
An Lushan is very good at patting the horse's ass.
Every time he entered the palace, he always worshipped his mother Yang Guifei first, and then his father Tang Xuanzong.
Gan Dad felt confused: "You turtle son, why don't you kowtow to Your Father first?" ”
"The subject is a Hu person." An Lushan Zhenzhen had a word, "The Hu people have a custom of putting their mothers before their fathers. ”
Old Book of Tang:
After that, please raise children for the noble concubines, and worship Taizhen first. Emperor Xuanzong asked strangely, saying, "The subject is a man of the people, and the people of the people are first mothers and then fathers." ”
When Yang Guifei heard this, she suddenly giggled and trembled.
Tang Xuanzong always thought that An Lushan was very generous and down-to-earth, but didn't he know that this son was shrewd:
The little dry mother pinching the old dry father is a play. As long as you are comfortable with the little dry mother, you will also mess up the old dry father.
Another time, in the courtroom, a colleague said to An Lushan: "The emperor is standing next to the prince, the future big boss, don't you want to kneel down and worship?" ”
At that time, the crown prince Li Heng gradually grew larger and more powerful.
Tang Xuanzong also snorted, "This is the quasi-successor of Yuan." ”
Unexpectedly, An Lushan turned into Geng Zhi Brother in seconds, and replied:
"The subject is a Hu person, and the brain melon is very stupid. I only know that the imperial court has his majesty, and the prince is a Mao? ”
In front of the old man and the young wife, shoot the noble concubine; in front of Lao Tzu's son, hold Lao Tzu, and see how much This An Lushan knows how to be flexible——
Whoever is in my best interest, I will stand up for whomever I am, and I will not be ambiguous.
07
An Lushan is very talented. If you travel back to now, "Walk of Fame" will definitely have no other players.
In his later years, An Lushan became more and more obese.
How fat is it?
More than three hundred and thirty pounds! The belly of the white flower is hanging below the knee. Whenever I walk, I have to support my shoulders to lift my body.
Otherwise, the layers of folds of flesh will trip themselves up.
Even if the steps are difficult, he can be happy for his mother and father, as long as he enters the palace, he will always dance a whirling dance, and the movement is as fast as a whirlwind, just like a hula hoop.
New Book of Tang, Biography of An Lushan:
Late fat, abdomen slow to the knees, shoulders to the shoulders if the puller is able to do, do "Hu Whirling Dance" before the emperor, is as fast as the wind.
Do you think a son is so easy?
At the critical time, you must give up your life and sacrifice, and you must not drop the chain!
Note: Hu Xuan Dance, Western Folk Dance. The melody is galloping and cheerful, and the pedals are more rotated. "Tongdian": "The dance turns sharply like the wind, which is commonly known as the Hu Whirling." ”
08
An Lushan is very fat and is an inventor.
One day, An Lushan, who was also a festival of the three towns, entered Beijing to see the driver.
While Daddy Gan was taking a snooze, he bullied Yang Guifei!
Just at this moment, The Dry Daddy woke up.
Just when An Lushan was secretly screaming badly, he saw Gan Ma Yan smiling and picking up an embroidered cloth to cover his chest to cover his paw prints.
When Daddy Saw this, he suddenly felt novelty: "What is this thing?" ”
"Khun Zi." Yang Guifei's winking eyes frequently replied.
Sui and Tang Dynasty Relics:
Between Tang Tianbao, Yang Guifei had an adulterous passage with An Lushan and was wounded by claws. The concubine feared that the emperor would see it, but the embroidered chest dress covered the emperor.
Hako, ancient women's underwear, also known as bandeau, acacia skirt and so on.
Tang Zhoufang 'Lady of the Hairpin Flower Figure · Partial》 marked in red as The Yellow Zi
As a result of this chest attack, two inventions turned out:
The first is the "belly pocket", the patentee is Yang Guifei;
The first is the title of "Salty Pig Hand", and the copyright is An Lushan.
Maybe a friend will ask —
An Lushan attacked the chest, why is it called "salty pig hand"? Not called "salty dog hand", "salty donkey hand"? What's the matter with the pigs?
Why let the pig back the black pot?
For the reason, see the previous two articles.
09
An Lushan's method of killing prisoners was cruel.
When Chang'an was captured, An Lushan ordered that the whole city hunt down and kill Li Tangzong's chamber, and the chickens and dogs would not be left.
What is chilling is that in the treatment of the relatives and relatives of Gan Daddy and Ganma, An Lushan is not a one-time killing thing, but also has to cut his abdomen and dig out his heart, and he is brutally mutilated;
For Yang Guozhong, Gao Lishi's cronies, and their hated princes and ministers, they even smashed their heads with iron rods in the street, making their brains go to the ground...
Its scenery is tragic.
10
An Lushan's temper was very violent and perverted.
In the first month of the second year of De (757 AD), due to the onset of sores, An Lushan was upset and grumpy, and even Yan Zhuang, the minister who was the mastermind, did not suffer from his small leather whip.
Finally, everyone was so caught off their heads that they decided to kill him.
Late one night, Yan Zhuang asked An Qingxu (An Lushan's second son) to look at the wind, and he greeted Li Pig'er, An Lushan's favorite internal servant, and quietly entered the old tent.
An Lushan was awakened and angrily rebuked, "Who are you?" What's the point of coming in? ”
Li Pig'er didn't give a crap either, slashing the fat belly of An Lushan with a knife.
At this time, An Lushan was blind in both eyes, and he only had the share of being stabbed. And I think back then, when Li Pig was a child, he only had the share of being stabbed.
An Lushan liked him very, very much. Because I liked it, I castrated and stayed by my side forever, so I "clicked" a knife, cut the grass and roots of Li Pig'er, and killed all the chickens, eggs and eggs.
"Uproar", blood gushed, Li Pig Passed out on the spot, almost entered the ghost gate.
Now, it was another "uproar", and an An Lushan knife, intestines and stomach and other miscellaneous pieces flowed into the water to fill a bed.
You let me chicken fly eggs, I let you open your stomach.
An Lushan's life ended here.
Zhuang held a knife and led Li Pig'er into the Lushan tent, and the pig slashed his abdomen with a large knife... The abdomen and intestines have been flowing on the bed, and the words are desperate.
11
epilogue
Lao Wang's black material for An Lushan is because he saw the Internet, and there was actually a "positive evaluation" of such goods, and even the suspicion of whitewashing -
You think you're a little dry mother, holding a "baptism ceremony"?
Not to mention that the seven years of the "Anshi Rebellion" were fought, causing unprecedented disasters to society, turbulence and instability on the frontier, and fierce battles such as the Suiyang Defense War, the Battle of Zhaojue Temple, and the Battle of Yicheng, and more than 300,000 soldiers on both sides turned into a lot of white bones;
Millions of people were slaughtered and mourned.
The statistics of the "Prosperity and Decline of the General Classics of the Dynasties" are even more shocking, from the outbreak of the Anshi Rebellion to the annihilation, the casualties are as high as tens of millions!
Old Book of Tang, Biography of Guo Ziyi:
Hundreds of Cao were abandoned, once had no rafters, and in the middle of the ki, there were less than a thousand households. Jingyi hazel thorn, jackal howl... People are cut off and there is a depression for thousands of miles.
The population does not exist in one, the fertile land is turned into desolation, and the jackals howl everywhere...
The once prosperous Henan region has become a desolate area for thousands of miles.
Southern Song Dynasty Anon. "Ming Emperor Xingshu Chart Axis"
An Lushan, as the initiator of this tragic military disaster, how much soap powder must be put in order to wash him white?
Therefore, in the eyes of lao wang,
An Lushan is a despicable person, a treacherous person, a person who is particularly good at slapping horses, a person full of low-level bad tastes, and a historical sinner who poisons the world!
Or the "Old Book of Tang, An Lushan Biography" wrote well at the beginning:
An Lushan, Yingzhou Liucheng hybrid Hu people also ~