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Today, One Psychology talks to you about "emotional blunting".
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="9" > "I was sucked out of energy by a Dementor in Harry Potter, leaving only an empty shell"</h1>
There is a very hot problem on the knowledge:
"Why is everything fine, but I just can't be happy?"
According to the subject:
In the eyes of others, she has a successful career and a happy family, and she has always been the one who is envied.
But she herself has never felt "I am so happy".
It made her anxious.
She said to herself over and over again:
"You should be satisfied, God is interesting enough for you, there are such good husbands and children, the salary is also high, the parents are healthy, what are you not satisfied?" You should laugh, laugh hard! Laugh every day! ”
But no matter how many reasons she lists in her mind that she should be happy.
She just can't feel happy in her eyes.
This feeling made her very dazed.
"It's like being sucked out of energy by the Dementors in Harry Potter, leaving only an empty shell, mechanically running around life."
You call her "abnormal."
She can socialize normally and go to work as usual.
But you call her "normal".
Her life had no motivation, no joy, and no sense of meaning.
In fact, not only this subject, but also many of the world's top "superstars" can't get rid of this "Dementor".
For example, Justin Bieber, the dream lover of young girls around the world, has countless fans, money and fame, but he has also confessed to the media that "he does not feel happiness".
In interviews, Bieber revealed that he was sex addicted and abused XANAX ( a psychotropic substance ) .
At one point his security guard needed to come in late at night, put his hand under his nose, and check if he was still breathing.
Bieber told reporters that for a long time he felt depressed, empty and meaningless.
Seeing this, some people may be puzzled:
These people lack nothing, and they are very good in themselves, so why can't they be happy?
Is it pretense?
What exactly is this so-called "sense of nothingness"?
I don't know if you remember that the girl who committed suicide some time ago was "termite line".
She wrote in her suicide note:
"I'm not interested in living. Or rather, I don't have any desire. ”
"This desire does not refer to a momentary, short-term small desire, sometimes I also want to eat hot pot, want to put on some makeup, want to hang out with friends, but I don't have the deep desire, the desire for life." 」
"I've been in this state for many years, and this feeling of staying up aimlessly and directionlessly has really swallowed up my whole being, and I'm getting tired day by day."
The girl's words, like stagnant water.
Suicide to her didn't seem even a relief, but just a "I'm tired, let's do this first" option.
Some netizens commented: "Although I don't dare to leave yet, I can understand her because I am experiencing exactly the same feeling as her." ”
This "feeling" is what we call "emotional numbness."
Simply put, it is a state of inner emptiness and numbness.
Emotionally blunt people, social functions exist, can work, can go to school, and even often show a happy look, as the "termite line" said:
"I'm not unhappy, hanging out with friends, watching movies, brushing up on funny videos, I can laugh too much, but these are not the things that really make me feel happy, it's like a knee jump reaction, I will laugh when I touch me, but the laugh is over, and even most of the time I feel more tired after being too happy." 」 I am an empty shell. ”
But behind this, it is just a robot that has been programmed.
Will perform emotions according to the scene, laugh when you should laugh, and cry when you should cry.
But I just feel that it's not myself.
When a person can never touch his true self, that life seems to lose its meaning to him.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="336" > the cause of "emotional passivation": the false self</h1>
So, how is "emotional blunting" formed?
One thing is for sure, family parenting.
At the heart of "emotional blunting" is the false self.
When a person grows up around his own feelings, he forms the real self;
And if he is surrounded by the feelings of others, then a false self is formed.
A friend once said to me in great pain:
From a young age, her parents will interfere, whether it is learning or life.
Even trivial to: what kind of pants must be worn when going out today, how to clip when eating fish...
Falling in love is also sabotaged by parents. The boy was obviously very good and very good to her, but his parents poured a basin of cold water: "How can I see so many times, what is good about this man!" ”
She especially likes to draw and is obsessed with it, but her parents feel that painting is not a serious job and does not make money.
In the spirit of "being responsible for their daughter", they resolutely threw away her paintbrush and insisted that she study medicine.
But she knew very well in her heart that studying medicine was her mother's unfulfilled wish, and she was just fulfilling her dream for her mother.
What's even more unbelievable is that when she was sad, depressed, and felt that she had nothing to love, her parents never comforted her. Instead, they feel that this is "doing":
"We are working hard outside and creating such good conditions for you, why are you still not satisfied?" What does this require us to do as parents? Is it to force the parents to die before they are willing? ”
Since then, she has only dared to act happy.
However, negative emotions do not stop flowing, they just flow into the underground dark river, surging in the invisible place.
We often say that one of the most serious harms a parent does to a child is to tell him continuously, comprehensively, and non-stop:
"Your feelings are unreliable, you don't know who you are, your spontaneous choices are all wrong.....you have to follow mine."
"In 19 years, I have never lived a day for myself." That's what my friend said.
Others don't like how vulnerable I look, so I show strength;
Others don't like my wayward look, so I show to be sensible;
Others don't like the look of pride, so I show humility...
In this way, my parents can accept me, the people I care about can accept me, and the public can accept me.
"Although this is not what I really am, in order to survive, I can only become a different person."
At this time, the false self is formed.
It can help us adapt to society better, even with high quality.
But at the same time, it has a fatal problem: the inability to truly enjoy life.
The false self does everything that can make itself happy, but without a minute or a second, it is truly happy.
For example, eating a big meal, eating it is delicious, but not eating satisfaction.
Another example is looking at the scenery, meitu can stay in the mobile phone, but can not be carved into the heart.
Like a plastic flower in a bottle, it can never bloom with vitality and vitality.
Life in the world is actually an experience.
If you can't immerse yourself in it, leave only an empty shell and operate in vain according to the rules.
How sad.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="337" > what will save you? My true self</h1>
We all know that after facing the Dementors many times, Harry Potter finally used the "Guardian of the Gods".
The silver deer, which had "hope, happiness and the desire to live", jumped out and became the patron saint who stood in the way between Harry and death.
Dementors and patron saints are full of metaphors.
If the "false self" is like a Dementor, sucking away our life force;
Then the "true self" is to call on the gods to protect and stabilize our spiritual homeland.
So how do we strengthen our true selves?
The first step is to try to respect your feelings.
Many people have been denied because of their feelings, and they can't figure out what they really think.
Not to mention respecting your own feelings.
Bought a pair of very expensive shoes, every time I wear it, my feet hurt, but when I think of the price, I still can't bear to wear it;
There are too many dishes to eat at all, but when I think it is wasteful, I try to stuff it into my mouth;
Even a devastated relationship, the thought has been talking for so many years, forget it, make a living.
His true feelings continue to give way, and money and materials have become the dominant ones.
Over time, emotions and feelings naturally "blunt" out.
So, the first step in loving yourself is to put your feelings first.
Understand that everything else is only in the service of one's own feelings.
The second step is to try to do something that really nourishes yourself.
Start by delighting your senses.
If you like the smell of incense, go buy a perfume that you really like;
If you like to eat, then take advantage of the weekend, carefully prepare a favorite dinner, and temporarily abandon the concerns of calories;
Go to the exhibition of interest, go to the alley that has been thinking for a long time, go to the corner of the library, and let your eyes "eat" once;
Buy a truly comfortable dress;
Find a place to lie down doing nothing and relaxing;
Give a call to a friend who has not been in touch for a long time and find the feeling that you will not be embarrassed not to talk.
As far as the eye can see, the mouth can taste, the ear can smell, the muscles can touch.
Both try to relax themselves.
At this time, your feelings may slowly awaken.
I don't know how to describe that moment.
But I believe that when that moment comes, you can feel it.
Of course, it is best that everything you do is also your favorite.
Whether it's a hobby or a job.
It doesn't matter if you can't do it for the time being
First try to feel the pleasure that everything you can do will bring you.
The true self will also break ground in every happy moment of unity of body and mind.
The third step, if given the opportunity, is to try to build a real relationship.
Psychologist Frank once said: invest in love, invest in doing one thing, and happiness will come.
You see, the focus is on "engagement".
We may have received some love in the past by means of our "false selves."
But there is no doubt that deep down there is panic and uneasiness.
Because we know that what the other person is in love with is only an illusion we have created, a "dummy" that ensures that the other party will like, not the real self.
The real self, who is always scolded as "not good enough", must be deeply hidden and cannot see the light.
Once discovered, it is "over".
Because we are convinced that He is not worthy of love.
But such a situation will be broken when you meet a trustworthy person.
You will show your wounds for the first time.
Those parts that have not yet grown well, which have been covered by heavy armor in the past years, will also be seen, accepted, and caressed for the first time.
At that moment, you may finally believe it:
They are no longer shadows that I need to hide, I can exist in its entirety, without hiding or being ashamed.
And the real self, at this moment, broke through the false shell and was reborn.
So, when you have the opportunity to build a real relationship, try to be brave and take a step forward.
Maybe what awaits you is a big surprise.
The Phoenix Legend once sang in "Under the Sea":
Spring rain, summer cicadas chirping, tomorrow is a good weather.
On this sunny day when the rain is resting and the autumn is gradually rising, push the door out and walk away.
Press the road, feel the breeze, bask in the sun.
Feel the solidity of the soles of your feet on the ground, the mischievous breeze blowing through your fingers, and the warmth of the sun caressing your back.
Take a look around, and maybe:
The melons and fruits that the vendors have just sprayed with water mist are so sweet that they are even a little greasy;
Those smoke-filled barbecues stimulate the taste buds of everyone;
Blooming moontime showers fill the flower beds day and night.
Back to the question at the beginning of the article:
Happiness is actually difficult to force, and it is difficult to rely on others to help.
But fortunately, one thing is certain.
Happiness can be learned, in every moment when you truly feel the world.
May you come out of emotional blunting.
May you be happy in every "moment" of your life.
The world and I love you.
Resources:
Justin Bieber, Hayley Baldwin October 2019 INTERVIEW WITH THE US VOGUE
- The End -
About author:Haruhi, Master of Psychology, young mother, a patient listener and recorder in the world.