I don't know if you have ever done such a thing in life, obviously a piece of kindness for others, the result is that the other party does not appreciate it, and you have added a lot of sense of lack.
Psychologically speaking, the root cause of your feeling of absence is that you don't fully understand yourself. In other words, it is because each of us only accepts the bright side of our own personality and does not know enough about our invisible personality.
01 Healer Personality
Xiao Qing's sister has an unhappy marriage and meets a husband who loves to drink, and the family is often restless about it. Xiao Qing saw that her sister was wronged and went to find her brother-in-law theory.
This not only caused the brother-in-law's extreme dissatisfaction, but also added a bomb to the two people who had planned to return to good. The younger sister quarreled with Xiaoqing for this, complaining that she was a dog who took care of the rats. Xiao Qing's side was full of grievances, angry sister did not know what to do.
In this way, many times your so-called "kindness" does not get the gratitude of others, most of the time it is you who are self-righteous.
In fact, Xiaoqing's behavior towards her sister is precisely because of the psychology of "I am for your own good", that is to say, she is a healer personality.
The so-called healer personality refers to a passion that represents a willingness to take action to transform the suffering of others. When we see certain people who are suffering, the healer personality may drive us to take care of them and care for them.
From the bright side, it is to try to help and take care of others, but from the shadow side, it is to give others excessive care that they do not need.
In fact, in life, under the banner of "good for you", there are many people who do not end up well, just like Xiaoqing "helps" her sister.
Mencius once said that the son is not a fish who knows the joy of fish. In the same way, in the face of a wounded person, you can't fully understand what the comfort other person really wants is. So it's no surprise that good intentions do the wrong thing.
02 The Cause of the Healer's Personality
Nietzsche said: Those who cannot kill me will make me stronger.
That is to say, those who want to save others from fire and water on their own are often also people who have been hurt. In other words, they become healers because they have experienced the blows of pain and have developed a sense of mission that prompts them to accompany the suffering people through compassionate action.
Just like Qiao Yicheng in "Children of the Qiao Family", a child who is parentalized because his father neglects to take care of him, he is forced to replace the function of his parents at a young age and take care of the younger siblings in the family.
However, everyone is a dependent and independent individual, and when we need others, if someone responds at this time, we will be healed by warmth. However, we still have strong self-esteem to protect our own face, and we do not want to completely expose our own vulnerability to others, and it is a kind of cross-border for someone to come forward at this time.
For Xiaoqing, who is eager to send warmth, he interferes with his sister without any measure, which is already an invasion of privacy. Obviously, Xiao Qing's behavior above was excessive, which won his sister's blame.
It is worth mentioning that everything is too late. People with the personality of a healer also have a savior personality.
That is, to one-sidedly enlarge their role and let themselves fall into the misunderstanding of "you can't do without me". On the surface, it is a strong sense of responsibility, but in fact, it is a rigid "protector" posture, obsessed with "being needed". They will be happy with this feeling, even if it is time-consuming and laborious to help people, but they will not tire of it.
In fact, this also reveals the real needs of their hearts from the other hand, indicating that they lack a sense of belonging in their hearts. They seem to give on the surface, but the real purpose is to take, to make up for the lack of love in childhood.
Through retrospection, we learn that the formation of any kind of personality is inseparable from its growth environment. It can be said that the details of life that are easily overlooked by people have inadvertently shaped their personality today.
03 How to have a sense of control while healing
As the saying goes, an unhappy childhood needs a lifetime of healing. Jung told us the same thing: A man's life's work is to integrate the character he has developed since childhood.
There is a universal saying in psychology: awareness is healing. The moment when we begin to become aware is also the moment of self-healing. The difference between it and the healer's personality is that it seeks strength inward.
Only by deeply understanding one's invisible personality and understanding one's own behavior and thoughts can one accept oneself as a way to perfect one's personality.
Psychologists teach us two methods in PerfectIng Personality:
One is to let go of the self-righteous "I am for your own good" in order to see the real needs of others. Shift our attention from ourselves to the person we are helping, and test whether others need our listening, rather than going straight to the point of saying what we think.
Sometimes, the best way to listen is just to listen, maybe a wordless hug, worth your long talk.
The second is to take care of yourself, so that you have extra energy to take care of others. Or that everyone is a complex, multi-faceted individual, even a positive and negative personality.
Therefore, the focus is not on "who you are", but on "how do you integrate and perfect so many complex personalities that are all your own".
In other words, looking at the shadowy side of personality, they are not all bad things. It's like growing nutritious mushrooms in the forest, in a dark and damp environment.
Life is a long road, only when we continue to self-awareness and pursuit, can we control life, no longer live twisted and tired, become a complete and comfortable person.