Little Buddha said
Tricky conversations are tricky because when people are too anxious or stressed, it's easy to say the wrong thing, no matter how careful they are. If you inadvertently offend or irritate the other person, then your well-prepared plan will be in vain. In this kind of conversation, there are some of the most common mistakes — irrational words and phrases that we tend to use inadvertently. If we don't pay much attention, they will cause us trouble.
Don't think your point is obvious
Sometimes, if you feel you're 100 percent right, you might use words like "clearly," "obviously," or "beyond doubt." But if you say so, you fall prey to naive realism—the objective facts you feel you know, others will see clearly and agree with without question.
But the truth is that we are rarely in an objective, black-and-white situation where rational people may see things differently than you do, or you need a more convincing way to express your point of view. If you imply verbally (perhaps only inadvertently) that any point of view different from yours is stupid or unimportant, then others may find the statement too flippant and even feel insulted. If you do prove your point of view clearly, then you have even less to say such a thing to show how clear or unquestionable your point of view is. Because they can only lead to counterproductive effects.
Don't exaggerate
When you're talking to someone who has annoyed you many times, you may find yourself inadvertently saying things like "You always..." or "You never..."
Exaggeration undermines the overall credibility of the discourse and leads to a debate about frequency rather than about the content itself. "That's not true," the other person might retort, then tell you the exact date the incident happened, or give an example that contradicts your claim.
If your goal is to get people to start or stop doing something, focus on the thing itself.
Don't tell others what they "should" do
Telling others what they should do implies a value judgment that "you should do something" implies that things should be the way they should be.
Of course, if you're a leader in group values and corporate culture, sometimes you do need to be very clear about what people should do or how they should get along with each other. However, at other times, especially when you're not communicating with your subordinates, the "should" statement doesn't make them willing to obey.
When people are more willing to self-decide what to do, they are extremely uncomfortable with the value judgments that the statement "should" brings to them — as if they can't come to the right conclusions without your "should."
Something like, "Maybe you might think about it..." or "There's a possibility..." or "Have you ever thought about it?" This statement can increase the influence of your discourse.
Don't blame others for your emotions
If you're uncomfortable with what someone is doing, it's natural to have an emotional reaction because you're human too (which is a normal psychological response as a human being). But telling others the reasons behind these feelings is not helpful, and can even backfire.
Imagine, for example, that when you start talking and a colleague interrupts you, you immediately have a physiological response — your face will be red, and your heart rate will soar. You might want to say, "You made me angry when you interrupted me. "But if you do, the result is likely to end in an argument."
Why? Because people hate being blamed for certain things or actions – especially words or actions that hurt others. As a result, they won't apologize, much less change their behavior, but will defend themselves — they will defend their specific words and overall intentions or character.
So you can say, "Hey, you interrupted me so quickly and I feel very disrespected (or sad or angry). "Can you please stop doing that?" Or you can say, "Please don't interrupt me until I'm done?" "There's no need to say anything about how you feel, but focus on the topic at hand.
Don't question someone else's character
Sometimes, you may feel that some people's practices are "unprofessional," "wrong," or even "immoral." However, if you use a word like this, there is a good chance that the person being attacked will become very wary. There is a strong need for human beings to think that what they do is decent and moral. If your description of their problem behavior threatens their core sense of self, then there's a good chance he'll put aside the problem at hand and turn to his own character.
Instead, you can try to start with relatively mild statements. For example, if someone misses a deadline, we suggest you say something like, "It's getting in the way of getting us done, rather than labeling him "unprofessional," or someone who has tampered with data to make his department look better, you could say it 'doesn't align with our core values' or "may undermine trust and our passion for learning, rather than calling it "wrong" or "unethical."
Don't say, "This is not a personal grudge."
In my experience, when people (subconsciously) know that something is personal to another person, they say "this is not a private grudge" or "Don't take it personally."
A good example is in the movie "You've Got Mail," in which tom Hanks, the head of a hypermarket bookstore, tells the owner of a small independent bookstore played by Meg Ryan that he intends to open a bookstore nearby and let her close the family bookstore that has been passed down from generation to generation, and this is not a personal vendetta. This matter is undoubtedly very personal to her. So, understandably, hearing this sentence only makes Meg Ryan's character even angrier.
When someone is hurt, angry, or visibly affected by what you say or do, telling them it's not a personal grudge will only make it worse. If you really care about them, why not boldly admit that even though the matter is not private to you, it is private to them? If you can't do that, don't say anything about "personal grudges."
Let me add one more comment at the end. People always say, "Don't worry about the little things." Unfortunately, this statement is not a good piece of advice in tricky conversations. You may be right in every way (you already have persuasive core arguments, accurate data and solutions, reasonable timing and planning, etc.), but you find that you are straying from your goals little by little due to the small communication lapses mentioned above.
The good news is that it's also very feasible to get these little things done – just pay attention to and minimize the use of these problematic words and phrases.
Keywords: self-management
James R. Det | essay
James R. Dieter is a John Colley Professor of Business Administration at the University of Virginia's Dutton School of Business.
Zhang Zhentao| translated by Zhou Qiang| edited
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