Today, I chatted with a stay-at-home mom, and she said that she felt that she was very sorry for him for secretly borrowing money behind her husband's back to study.
Especially when the child has a rebellious problem, she will blame herself and feel that she is very bad, and she has not been a good wife and a good mother.
What makes her feel worthless even though she has given everything for this family?
The reason is simple, she only cares about taking care of others and forgets to take care of herself.
In the "Twelve Prototypes That Affect Your Life" mentioned the three stages of growth of taking care of people, in fact, taking care of people is also hierarchical, low-level care not only pays all but also does not get the respect it deserves, middle-level care can take care of others without hurting themselves, high-level care is like the tree of life, continuously giving support and strength to others.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" > level one: only be the victim of the relationship</h1>
Last night, I saw a synopsis of a movie called "He Shed Skin for Me", which is about the heroine's hope that the male protagonist can be honest and fade his skin, and the male protagonist fades his skin without hesitation in order to prove his love for the female protagonist.
At first, the heroine was very happy, even if she had to wipe away the blood in the house and remove the smell of blood in the house every day, but the heroine did not care.
But with the passage of time, the frustration of the male protagonist's work, the rejection of the male protagonist by friends, and the cleaning day after day make the female protagonist feel bored, even so she is still unwilling to let the male protagonist wear skin...
Although this drama is a bit bloody, it is very symbolic, will you feel the same way for you who give everything without reservation?
"I've given it all for you, why can't you love me more!" (Intimate relationships)
"In order to take care of you, I don't want to work anymore, why don't you study well?" (Parent-child relationship)
"I do my best for this family, but you always go out and fool around, are you worthy of me?" (In the relationship between husband and wife)
In the relationship, there is always one party who pays more, if this kind of pay and return is maintained in a more balanced state, in fact, the relationship is still quite harmonious, and there are occasional disputes in time but will not hurt the fundamentals.
On the contrary, there is a party who always gives without reservation, but it will make the relationship very bad.
Everything needs to have a degree, and so does the effort.
This degree depends on whether there are boundaries.
Like the male protagonist in the play, love to no limits, lose the self, will only become a victim in the relationship.
<h1 class = "pgc-h-arrow-right" > level two: learn conditional love</h1>
The condition here is to dare to refuse unreasonable demands, to take care of yourself and others, and to take care of yourself first.
That is, the person who has a self in his heart.
The contradiction in many relationships is that you feel that your efforts will not be rewarded as they should be, and then we need to ask ourselves:
In this relationship, what do you give, what does the other person give, do you give what the other person wants?
Why did the other party's response not meet their own requirements, and they were still happy to pay tirelessly?
Do you love yourself in this relationship?
Through such questions, I want you to see if you have a "self-congratulatory" type of giving, and where the motivation for your giving is.
For example, in intimate relationships, some boys usually take good care of girls, but can't tolerate their girlfriends having friends of the opposite sex, once the girlfriend does not do according to her own requirements, she will retreat, displeasure or even threaten to break up; girls are the same, where the other party has done everything must be reported one by one, if the other party does not take care of her according to her requirements, the whole person will be very broken...
In fact, these are all in the hope that the other party can fill their own emotional gaps, but ironically, this kind of negative care not only devours others, but also devours themselves, and the other party cannot meet their own standards no matter how much they pay, but put themselves in the position of the victim and use the other party's guilt to get what they want.
Therefore, only when we take care of ourselves first and have the ability to take care of others can we distinguish which needs to be met by ourselves and which need to be met by others, rather than imposing our own needs on others.
In this way, not only will you be disappointed, but the other party will also feel tired.
<h1 class = "pgc-h-arrow-right" > level three: love yourself and others, willing to take care of the responsibility</h1>
The lowest level of care is that only others do not have themselves, and the higher ones only have others, which is basically enough, the highest level of care is to have themselves, others, and the whole world.
The "University" in the "Four Books" once put forward the viewpoint of "self-cultivation, family unity, governance, and peace in the world", in fact, in this way, we can only take care of ourselves first, so that we can have more love to give to others and society, and can we assume more social responsibilities.
If you only take care for the sake of taking care, just to respond to the needs of the other party without considering your own feelings, you will make yourself very tired and have no value to exist;
If we can take care of our own needs, we will know the scope of our abilities and personal priorities, we can have the ability to refuse some unreasonable demands, and maintain our boundaries with others, so as not to let ourselves fall into the complainer or the victim;
If we want to give more love and take on more social responsibility, then we will go further and the breadth of life will be wider.
Therefore, when accusing the other party of not taking care of themselves, first ask yourself, have you taken care of yourself? Have you grasped the boundaries? Is your efforts willing?
If you're at the bottom, let yourself go up the ladder!
I am Adam, pay attention to me, take you to explore a more authentic self ~