"There are a thousand Hamlets in the eyes of a thousand people", the gifts that children are interested in are not necessarily the kind of appearance that parents think, but in real life, it is easy for parents to understand their children with hamlets in their hearts. Just like the king in the picture book needs to use the clown to understand the needs of the princess, just like the father in the video, seeing that someone else's child likes such a gift, he thinks that his daughter should also like it.
In the past two days, there is a video of "the father carefully prepared the trunk for his daughter's birthday surprise, and the daughter saw the moment and expressed no interest" that became popular on the Internet.
According to ms. Cheng, the child's mother, when the child's birthday is approaching, her father wants to learn the trunk surprise prepared by the father in many videos on the Internet, and also prepares such a surprise for their daughter. They started buying the courier of these birthday gifts about ten days in advance, and the decoration took two or three hours. When the child said that he was not interested, the father was a little confused, and then he squatted on the ground and laughed, lamenting that he had worked so hard, and the child did not buy it.
#01
Princess moon
This reminds me of a picture book, The Princess's Moon, which tells a story like this:
The princess was sick, and the king came to her and said, "As long as your illness is well, I will give you whatever you want." The king paused for a moment and continued, "Is there anything you particularly want?" ”
The princess listened to the king and said that she really had something she wanted, and it was not an ordinary gift, and she said to the king, "I want the moon, and with the moon, my illness will be cured." ”
Therefore, for the need for the pearl in his hand, the king really did the same as the father mentioned above, and he tried his best: he gathered the able soldiers and asked them to get the moon for the princess, the royal governor, the court magician, the royal scholar... All did their best and didn't get the moon.
Finally, the king, with the mentality of trying it out, summoned the court clown, and the court clown really helped the princess find the moon.
Why did so many talented and capable people fail to help the princess find the moon, but the court clown did? In fact, the court clown only did one thing right: he did not look for the moon according to his own understanding, but asked the princess what she wanted the moon to look like.
Why can a court clown think of this? Because his usual job is to bring others a variety of humorous and funny performances, and if you want to make others happy, you must understand what others like and where others are happy. Therefore, it is precisely because of the professional identity of the court clown that the clown can naturally think about the needs of the princess's heart.
The court clown, with the king's consent, went to the princess's room and inquired about the appearance of the moon in the princess's heart. It turned out that the moon in the princess's heart and the moon that everyone thought were not the same thing at all, and what she wanted was not the moon hanging in the sky, but the golden moon that could hang on her neck.
So the princess got what she really wanted, and the next day she got sick.
I believe that all moms and dads love their children, but sometimes we need to give their children the love they really need. What the child needs may be ignored by many parents.
#02
Understand your child's needs
The love a child needs can be divided into two types:
One is universal: it is the love that all people need, such as independent space, being understood, being supported, being recognized, being respected...
Another kind of personality: that is, it has the uniqueness of each person, which requires us parents to learn to listen attentively to the child, and learn to listen effectively to understand the child's internal needs.
For the first one, what I want to emphasize most is that the needs of children's psychological growth need space.
If we can really treat the child as an independent individual and give him his own space, then this is also understanding, supporting, recognizing and respecting him.
To tell you a more extreme example, I don't know if you have heard of the "good student" Xu Li who shocked the country for more than a decade to kill his mother: 17-year-old Xu Li is a sophomore at the Fourth Middle School in Jinhua City, Zhejiang Province. In the eyes of teachers and classmates, he is a student with "good character and excellent learning". Xu Li was born in an ordinary worker family, his father worked in the field for a long time, and his mother took good care of him, allowing him to live a life of "eating, wearing all-inclusive, and studying".
In an interview, Xu Li said: "Our family only has two bedrooms, and my mother and I live in one room. There are almost no secrets of my own in our house, and I have a lot of my inner words in my journal and in a drawer, but none of the tables in our house are locked.
The diary I wrote was in a drawer, and my mother could casually look through it, and if she didn't like it, she would casually beat me and scold me. Once, I wrote that I went ice skating with my classmates, and my mother beat me up when she found out, and even the broom was interrupted! Since then, I have never kept a diary again.
At home, there was no place for me to talk, and the only thing that rang in our house was the telephone, but I had no right to answer the phone. When the phone rings, my mother will answer it, and when it is finished, she will ask the other party: "What is the matter with you looking for Xu Li?" You tell me, I tell him. ”
Xu Li told his mother, you don't want this, I'm afraid that my classmates will look down on me. His mother's reply was: "Afraid of something, I am afraid that you will make bad friends!" ”
The classmates all said to him, "Xu Li, your mother is so powerful, we don't dare to call you." Xu Li felt that he was very faceless in front of his classmates. He said that because of this, he felt particularly depressed.
In this way, in the process of getting along with his mother, Xu Li has been under tremendous psychological pressure, those grievances and repression have never disappeared, there is no space to release, after his mother beat his puppy to death, he in despair, picked up a wooden handle hammer, ending his mother's life.
According to the results of the National Juvenile Offenders Sample Survey, up to 42.3% of children said they "hated their parents", and the top three reasons were:
1. Don't let me do what I want to do;
2. Don't understand me;
3. Don't care about my psychological feelings.
Therefore, you will see that in fact, children have a strong sense of self, especially in the current materially rich world, they pay more attention to their own psychological feelings, they are eager to understand and respect, and they especially need their own independent space.
#03
Listen to your child's ideas
For the second, we need to learn to listen properly.
1. Confirm with your child that you understand the meaning.
If the father in the video can first ask the daughter what kind of gift is expected, or can tentatively show the daughter the scene in other people's videos, see the daughter's reaction, you can understand that the daughter does not expect such a form of gift, and will not exchange the child's words after hard work: "No interest", turning his head and leaving is embarrassing; if the king confirms with the princess at the beginning what she said the moon looks like, there will not be so many misunderstandings in the middle...
2, the child's "bad" behavior is only the appearance, behind which there is an unmet need
When a child always repeats a behavior, there must be an internal need that has not been met, and sometimes, the child does not know how to express his needs, and will achieve the purpose of satisfying his own needs through the repetition of some behaviors.
For example, in order to attract their mother's attention and let their mother pay attention to themselves, some children will do some destructive behavior, such as crying, or making various noises... The purpose is only to let the mother see herself and accompany herself, if the mother only sees the appearance of the behavior and thinks that he is disobedient, then he will continue to repeat.
In fact, the child did not have such a habit at the beginning, but after he expressed his needs to his mother many times, he has not been seen and satisfied, and such a problem has been derived. If, when the child is expressing, the mother can effectively listen to the child's needs, the child will not behave in this way again.
3. Empathize and understand your child's feelings and thoughts
It is easy for us to use some of our own expectations and standards to ask the child, just like myself, when the child was just in the first grade, every time he was tutored to write homework, it was always easy to get angry, and when he saw that he did not write well and did not do it right, he became angry. Later, it turned out that the reason for making myself angry was not the child, but that my expectations of the child exceeded the child's ability, and I measured him by a higher standard, and he did not meet that standard, and I was angry.
After that, I adjusted my expectations, accepted that the child was the current level, and then, patiently guiding him to learn, setting goals that suited his learning level, and slowly found that I was no longer angry about his performance, but would see how far he was now. How I can guide him, what position should I put him in, rather than measuring him according to the ideal standard in my heart.
In this way, the child likes to learn more and more, and I rarely feel emotional because of tutoring him to write homework.
When we can let go of our own judgment and understand the child's inner needs from the child's point of view, then you will also find that raising children will become more and more relaxed and enjoyable!