If you have also been hurt in your life, whether the injury comes from a relative, a lover or a close friend, or a work colleague, a stranger who has only a few faces, or even an unknown netizen on the other end of the screen...
If you've also been obsessed with asking the other person to apologize, or to be angry, or to fall into resentment and resentment, then I would suggest you take the time to read this book, "Learning to Forgiveness: An Effective Way to Get Out of Psychological Pain and Regain the Sunshine of the Heart."
Net map, invasion and deletion
The author of this book, Fred Ruskin, Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology and Health Psychology at Stanford University, USA, pioneered and led the Forgiveness Research Project, based on scientific research in stanford's Forgiveness Program and data obtained through a large number of subjects, confirming the power of forgiveness —it can help us recover from injuries and traumas and actively start a new life.
Frankly speaking, before reading this book, I was also a little curious, but it was a bit of a clichéd topic, so why bother with a special topic, study it for many years, and then write a book to discuss it?
"Forgiveness, who doesn't know its benefits, it's just easier said than done..."
Well, thinking about it, I suddenly understood a little bit why. It is precisely because we are all too familiar with "forgiveness", but it seems to be limited to superficial familiarity with it, and it is not necessarily true to understand what forgiveness is and how to forgive... Otherwise, there would be no "easier said than done" situation.
And the author of this book, it is precisely through his years of research materials and experience, like peeling an onion, from why to forgive, the root of the opposite of forgiveness, how to become a forgivener, layer by layer to dissect the core of forgiveness to show us, so that we can truly see the benefits of forgiveness, and thus learn to forgive, beyond pain, light.
<h1>1. Why forgive? Forgiveness is a choice, for oneself, not for the offender</h1>
Let's brainstorm, when it comes to the word "forgiveness", what kind of associations do people have?
Maybe you think of the recent film and television drama, the heroine should not forgive her cheating husband; maybe you think of the defendants in the court who are not worthy of forgiveness; maybe you also think of the car accident perpetrators in the news...
So, let's forgive these people? That's impossible! Doesn't forgiving them mean condoning such bad behavior?
What the? Do you still want to forgive those who hurt me? That's even more unlikely! Why forgive someone who has brought me pain?
……
This is our instinctive emotion in the face of forgiveness: dissatisfaction, anger, pain... So we are angry and don't want to easily forgive the hurters who offend us.
In fact, this sentiment is exactly the misunderstanding of forgiveness that Dr. Ruskin wanted to sort out for us from the beginning:
Forgiveness does not mean compromising with the hurtor or repairing a relationship with the offender; it does not mean condoning the harm or bad behavior of others; it does not mean forgetting or denying that painful things have happened; it does not even mean forcing oneself to do so because faith demands forgiveness... These understandings of forgiveness are misconceptions.
Instead, forgiveness should be a firm conviction that bad things will never again ruin our lives today, even though they may have ruined our past.
I have no intention of asking you to forgive, but I will show you how to forgive, and the choice is up to you. To help you choose, let me explain to you why I believe forgiveness is most beneficial to you. What I want to do is that forgiveness can be one of your alternatives when you are being treated unfairly.
Yes, this is Dr. Ruskin's original intention in writing this book, and he has used a wealth of cases and detailed data to show us that forgiveness can be an option in the face of pain.
In Dr. Ruskin's extensive scientific research on forgiveness, the more people do not forgive, the more health problems they face. Whether it is relatively short-term physical discomfort or long-term overall well-being, it will be deeply affected. People who cannot be forgiven will be trapped in negative emotions such as dissatisfaction, anger and depression for a long time, and have a higher chance of suffering from heart disease and muscular system disease.
What's more, when we suffer both physically and mentally because of this, the person who hurts us is not hurt by it. So, that's why Dr. Ruskin would love to want each of us to learn to forgive, not because of anyone else, but for ourselves. As the English name of this book is Forgive for Good, we choose forgiveness so that we can be better ourselves.
When we choose forgiveness, we let go of our past to heal our present.
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<h1>How to become a forgivener? Forgiveness is a learnable skill that everyone can learn</h1>
When we realize that forgiveness is for the better of ourselves, we are motivated enough to learn how to be a forgivener. Before doing so, we need to understand the opposite of forgiveness, the source of grievances, anger, and resentment.
In life, when something we don't want happens, or something we really hope for doesn't happen, we naturally have feelings of dissatisfaction or complaining.
And when we are angry about this, we invisibly strengthen this dissatisfaction. When the individual is emotional to a certain extent, we start to blame the person who caused it all, and even conceive a story of dissatisfaction because of it.
Blaming others, at first we may feel a little better, we can feel short-term relief, because the pain we feel is someone else's responsibility. However, in the long run, the good feelings will gradually fade, and in the end all that remains is helplessness and vulnerability, invisibly placing ourselves in the role of victims.
Remember the plot of the movie Rashomon? When the samurai and his wife passed through the barren mountain, they encountered an accident. His wife was insulted and the samurai were killed. When the murderer and the robber, the wife, and the samurai soul all have their own words, although there is only one truth, there is no way to know. In order to beautify their own morality, mitigate their sins, and cover up their own faults, everyone is telling a version of the story that glorifies themselves.
Similarly, in life, no matter what kind of traumatic experience, no matter how clear the facts are, everyone involved will tell a different story. Whether we are hurt or hurt, in a given situation, everyone notices something different. Bystanders, friends and family tell their own stories about what has happened.
Or it can be said that there is no real story at all, only multiple perspectives. Our stories reflect our own point of view, in addition to conveying a theme.
The choice of theme and how the story is told is crucial, then, because it determines how we remember the event and how it affects our lives.
When we construct a story of discontent, we enter the final stages of discontent formation. If we repeat this story of discontent to others or to ourselves, we suffer. And when we blame others for our pain, when we believe that others are the cause of our suffering, then we give them the power to control our emotions, and we need to rely on others to make ourselves feel better.
We will need others to apologize, admit mistakes, want others to make changes or ask for forgiveness, but this demand is extremely unlikely to happen, so we will feel helpless in waiting. And the sadder reality is that when we cling to blaming those who hurt us, they may not pay attention to them at all.
So, to get out of this vicious circle of discontent, we have to learn to forgive.
Based on this, Dr. Ruskin has summed up the "Nine-Step Forgiving Method" and a series of extremely effective systematic forgiveness training methods in his long-term practice, including channel switching, "gratitude" breathing method, inner concentration method and re-focus on positive emotions, and even refined the higher-level "HEAL Treatment" on this basis... All of these are introduced in detail in this book and have a guide to practice, which will not be repeated here.
<h1>Third, write at the end</h1>
Life may not be perfect, but we can learn to suffer less. If we are constantly entangled in the grievances and hurts of the past, how can we be grateful for the good things in life?
As Dr. Ruskin says at the end of the book:
I hope you decide to be a forgivener and accept the fact that there are both bad and good experiences in life. It will develop your confidence that you can handle the troubles you encounter in life without getting lost in blame and pain. We don't know what life has in store for us, but we do know that forgiveness gives us the strength to get back into the game and start over.
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I am Chu Xi, coordinate imperial capital, like reading, writing, illustration, travel and photography... Loved everything nice.
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