Recently received a question: My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and three months ago, I found out that he was having an affair with a divorced woman older than he was.
This woman I have seen at the dinner table, is the person of his cooperative unit, objectively speaking, this woman is far worse than me, looks very old, still rustic, but also talkative, as if anyone can talk to whom, but also make people happy, a look of self-respect.
My husband was determined to return to the family, I did not have difficulty for him, I think he was just a moment of which tendon was wrong. But then I found out that the old woman was back, the soul did not come back, the mobile phone did not dare to look at the information, and peeked at me, fidgeting.
I simply asked him what he had in mind about the woman. He said that the woman cared about him, listened to him complain, and laughed and laughed every time they met, not as lifeless as at home. I think my husband is talking nonsense with his eyes open, and I have never heard of any man having an affair because he wants to chat with a woman outside.
Teacher, what happened to my husband? I'm worried now that he'll do it again.
Xu Chuan:
This lady, I can understand why you can't believe her husband's unusual state and the reason he said he was having an affair. When people mention "third parties", the picture automatically generated by the conditioned reflex in the brain is a young and postured, sexy flirty woman. In fact, in reality, not every third party is what we think of, and some of them are even unassuming.
When a woman sees that the woman who destroys her family, from appearance to personal conditions, is far worse than herself, there are generally two reactions, either self-denial, self-confidence collapse, or careless enemies, feel that the husband is insane for a while, and come back and be fine.
I would often emphasize to my clients before that my husband found a third party whose objective conditions were inferior to yours, which does not mean that in his eyes, you are inferior to the woman, but it does not mean that he is completely obsessed and will automatically recover his sanity.
Those third parties who seem to be unremarkable and whose objective conditions are not as good as the original, can attract men to make mistakes because she has done something that the original match did not do, that is, to meet the underlying emotional needs of men.
Factors such as women's appearance will become the conditions for men to pursue freshness and excitement, but this is a shallow need, so what is the underlying emotional need?
For example, we can often hear someone say, "I have lacked love since I was a child, I am looking for a partner to find a good one for me", you will find that this kind of person will not take the other party's conditions the most seriously when choosing a partner, as long as the other party can put the TA in the first place in everything, and give the TA meticulous care in life, the TA will be very satisfied, otherwise the TA will be difficult to endure the relationship.
Then, being concerned and being taken care of is the underlying emotional needs of such people, saying that the popular point is just needed, and other conditions such as good looks, money, and ability are all icing on the cake.
We assume that this person's partner happens to belong to the giving type, and the person can get a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction from the process of taking care of people, then these two people together belong to the underlying emotional needs and emotional giving patterns match, so that the marriage will not have a betrayal crisis, because both parties are satisfied from the relationship.
Now it should not be difficult for you to understand what is the problem between you and your husband, who is having an affair with a woman who is inferior to you in every way, because the woman's emotional giving pattern is just in line with your husband's emotional needs.
Your husband likes an active atmosphere, and the woman happens to be able to chat, so their relationship gives your husband a sense of spiritual satisfaction. After the East Window incident, your husband chose to return to the family because he knew the importance of the family, on a rational level, and knew that you were much better than the third party.
However, in the three months since he returned to the family, you did not realize that there was a problem with your relationship with your husband, and you thought that your husband was back, so you still got along with your husband in the previous interaction mode.
Your husband uses the word "lifeless" to describe your family atmosphere, you also feel that the woman outside loves to chat is a kind of talk, from these two key details can be inferred that you usually rarely chat with your husband, maybe your energy and focus are used on children, or at work, you don't feel that old husbands and wives need to communicate feelings every day.
And your husband finds this dull married life unbearable, so his performance is that the person has returned and the soul has not returned, and what he is worried about is not the woman outside, but the feeling of getting along.
Want to ensure that the husband will not make mistakes in the future, you actually only need to adjust the interaction mode with him, you do not like to talk, you can guide the husband to say, you can listen, do not have to spend much time every day, half an hour after the meal, the two of them take a walk and chat together, or sit together to watch TV shows, exchange feelings, you will find that the husband slowly no longer cares about whether the mobile phone has information.
In fact, most families that encounter a crisis of betrayal are not because they feel that their partner is not good enough, but what you give, not what I need, what I need, and you don't give. As long as we know what each other's needs are, and then adjust our own form of giving accordingly, the temperature of the relationship will quickly rise.
If you have encountered the betrayal of your husband, you can't analyze where the problem is, don't know how to properly handle extramarital affairs, you can send a private message to tell me your details, I will help you analyze.