Kapok 959 | author
Plain trees, bugs | editing
"I Am a Relic Sorter" | source
Today, One Psychology wants to talk to you about the "stories behind the relics."
Recently, a Douban 9.1 point Korean drama "I Am a Relic Sorter" earned enough tears from viewers.
The play tells the story of the teenager Han Kelu and his uncle Cao Shangjiu, who worked together as relics sorters.
While working, the two opened up a corner of the life stories of several deceased people for us.
These stories are warm and sadistic.
But more than that, there is a deep regret wrapped up.
Relic Story One: I'm old and confused, but I haven't forgotten your clothes
What is the deepest concern of an old man with dementia?
Old Man Li Shunshui will never have the opportunity to speak out in person.
She lived alone and was not discovered until a month after her death.
The son and daughter-in-law hurried to take away the old man's inheritance, but they hated the dirty smell of the house and had to entrust Han Kelu to sort out the relics.
When Han Kelu had organized the room and packed important items into small boxes, his son and daughter-in-law scoffed.
Let the relics be thrown into the garbage truck.
Even though Han Kelu rummaged it back from the garbage mountain again, his son still threw it to the ground and stomped on it fiercely.
They were only interested in the fifty thousand won in cash pressed under the mattress.
Although they are tattered and black and smelly.
Why would an old man put all his money here?
Han Kelu found that on each piece of cash, there were words written - "Son Suit".
It turned out that when his son first joined the work, the family was still very poor, and Li Shunshu had been worried about making a good suit for his son in the spring of the next year.
Decades later, even though Lee is confused, every Monday to Friday, she will still come to the clothing store every day and tell the boss, "I will bring my son soon." ”
In the box of relics, there was also a brand new warm coat.
Seeing the warm clothes, the son finally remembered: it was a gift to his mother after he got his first salary.
At that time, Li Shunshu repeatedly praised the dress as so beautiful, saying: "I will wear it until I am old and wear it until I die." ”
She also really kept the dress until her death.
At this moment, the son finally regretted it and choked up.
Life will pass away, but the care and love for the child will not.
Psychologically speaking, when we are young, we are most at ease only in the soft crook of our mother's arms and in a timely response; and once separated from our mother, even the little monkeys will jump up and down anxiously and eat [1].
Mom's love allows us to cultivate a safe attachment, which is our confidence in facing the world.
With this confidence, we can stay in unfamiliar environments more peacefully and explore curiously, and when we grow up, we will also have a more positive view of ourselves and the world, more confident, and more trusting of others.
They are more able to regulate their emotions and maintain interpersonal relationships.
So don't forget the mom who is always afraid to disturb you.
Relic Story Two: I won't let go of your hand until I die
When your life and blood flow out of your body together, who will you regret not seeing the most?
Dr. Ding So-hyun wrote it in the letter.
Someone in the hospital where he worked kidnapped a nurse to grab medicine, and he stepped forward to suppress the bandits, only to be slashed by a knife in the carotid artery.
Bleeding too much is fatal.
His parents were sad and wanted to burn all his belongings.
Ignoring the scalding heat of the stove, Han Kelu rescued the ashes of important letters from it.
The letter was written by Ding Suxian to his lover.
After some reasoning, Han Kelu and his party determined that Ding Suxian's lover was a cellist. So they went backstage to their orchestra's performance.
It turned out that the cellist Li Yan had injured his hand and came to the hospital, nervous, and it was Ding Suxian who came to heal and comfort him.
Later, Ding Suxian heard Li Yan's performance, and the two quickly communicated and attracted each other.
But the parents disagreed with the lovers and forced them to break up.
So, after Ding Soo-hyun's death, his parents insisted on burning the souvenirs between them.
Li Yan looked at the ring that was not sent in Ding Suxian's relics and read the letter left by Ding Suxian. There is a sentence in the letter:
"I won't let go of your hand until I die."
Recalling the two getting along, Li Yan cried bitterly.
Li Yan put on the ring left by Ding Suxian and played the music that had been played for Ding Suxian again with affection.
If given a chance to say goodbye, neither of them would let go of each other's hands again.
A person is not unable to realize his own value, Ding Suxian is a doctor who saves lives and helps the injured, and Li Yan is a talented cellist. They all accomplished their own businesses on their own.
But if you don't have each other's company, you always feel that you are missing a little.
Ding Suxian also wrote in a letter to Li Yan: "For your sake, I want to become a braver person than myself yesterday." ”
Completing or even expanding the self is the meaning of intimacy.
[2] Studies have found that after spending more time with our lovers, our self-concepts become more diverse.
We will gradually understand ourselves that we did not know before, the original timid and cowardly people will develop a brave side, the original informal people will develop a delicate side;
Our self-esteem is also enhanced in intimate relationships, and we feel more valuable, that we feel that our existence is meaningful.
Love makes us no longer lonely, but also lets us grow together.
Relic Story Three: Before I could say, I didn't give up on you
What if my brother refuses to forgive himself?
Han Jingyou fulfilled his unfulfilled promise to his younger brother Cao Shangjiu on his son Han Kelu.
Han Jingyou and Cao Shangjiu are half-brothers.
His stepfather was an alcoholic and grumpy, often beating his younger brother Cao Shangjiu and driving his older brother Han Jingyou out of the house.
Although the two are still young, Han Jingyou is determined to ask his brother to run away from home.
After the death of their stepfather, the two agreed to run away together, but Cao Shangjiu waited at the agreed place for three days, and did not wait for his brother.
He thought that his brother had abandoned him, and he began to hate him.
Until Han Jingyou died of a sudden heart attack, Cao Shangjiu was asked by his lawyer to temporarily supervise his nephew Han Kelu, and he did not know what really happened that day.
Han Kelu went on an outing alone according to the custom of his father when he was alive, and Cao Shangjiu secretly followed him to protect his safety, but found that the places where Han Kelu went and the activities he did were all things that Cao Shangjiu wished to go and want to do when he was a child:
Han Kelu went to the amusement park, he was too timid to play, but every facility had to be seen again, Cao Shangjiu later remembered that his birthday wish when he was a child was to play all the facilities in the amusement park;
Han Kelu traveled to fried chicken shops, pizza, and fried sauce noodle shops, and Cao Shangjiu secretly complained that he was suffering from binge eating disorder, and later remembered that he had made a wish to eat fried chicken, pizza and fried sauce noodles in one day;
Finally, Han Kelu came to the place they had agreed upon that year, patiently explained, and the truth surfaced.
It turned out that Han Jingyou could not go to the appointment that year because he went to buy shoes for his brother as a birthday gift, but the department store collapsed, and Han Jingyou was buried under the ruins for three days before being rescued and treated in the hospital for a long time.
After being discharged from the hospital, Han Jingyou did not give up looking for Cao Shangjiu, but Cao Shangjiu refused to see him because of a misunderstanding.
Now, Cao Shangjiu is in tears of guilt and regrets not going to see his brother for the last time.
It is inevitable that there will be regrets and regrets in life.
Sometimes we regret doing the wrong thing and messing things up; sometimes we regret not doing anything and missing out on the good that we could have.
The sting of regretting what you did disappears relatively quickly, but the pain of regretting not doing anything lasts longer [3].
And the apology and love that was not spoken in time may be the most regrettable.
When they were young, Han Jingyou and Cao Shangjiu were so close, they lost their mother, their father was grumpy, and they were the only light in each other's lives.
If Cao Shangjiuken later gave his brother a chance to explain, if the brothers could have the opportunity to express their dependence on each other, then their lives would be much happier.
Perhaps, Han Jingyou will take care of Cao Shangjiu as carefully as he takes care of Han Kelu, and Cao Shangjiu will protect them as bravely as he is in the boxing ring.
Unfortunately, it was still too late.
Relic Story Four: Seeing more death, I decided to change my lifestyle
In this drama, the person who has grown the most is Cao Shangjiu.
The task of the elderly Li Shunshu was the first task that Cao Shangjiu took on after he was released from prison.
Before that, Cao Shangjiu would only eat the living room into a garbage dump at home; but during the mission, he would help Han Kelu find the relic box in the real garbage mountain, although reluctantly, he was still very happy at the moment of finding the box.
When sorting out dr. Ding Suxian's relics, Cao Shangjiu will take the initiative to help Han Kelu deduce the story of the deceased's life, and also take the initiative to bet on analysis.
After this mission, Cao Shangjiu lay on the sofa for a long time and could not sleep, and finally decided to come to the nursing home late at night to visit his opponent who had been beaten into a vegetative person many years ago, who was also his former apprentice.
What really transformed Cao Shangjiu was the story of his brother Han Jingyou.
After discovering that he had misunderstood his brother, Cao Shangjiu wept with guilt and decided to protect his nephew, from a rogue-looking underground boxer to a "milk uncle" who would exchange fried yellow eggs for away.
Having seen the deceased and thinking about death, people often change.
For most people, death is unknown and frightening.
Fear management theory suggests that people activate defense mechanisms to ward off the fear that comes with death.
The first and most frequently activated is intimate relationship defense.
That is, to pursue and engage in intimate relationships – it may be with a partner, it may be with family, friends.
Studies have found that people are more willing to invest more in intimate relationships after being reminded of the inevitability of death, especially when a sense of commitment is significantly enhanced [4].
This strong connection can give people a sense of security, which in turn dissolves the anxiety that comes with death.
In the final episode, the lawyer says to Cao Shangjiu, "I don't think you can be a qualified guardian." ”
Cao Shangjiu skimmed his lips, pretended to be indifferent or even relieved, and turned to leave.
The lawyer continued: "But Koru said he wanted his uncle to continue to perform the guardianship agreement. ”
Cao Shangjiu burst into tears.
After experiencing all this, he had already made up his mind to take good care of his nephew.
Write at the end
Perhaps, "living without regrets" is always a false proposition.
Lee Soon-ho's son could no longer wear the suit his mother bought; Ding Soo-hyun's lover could not wait for him to put on the ring himself; Cao Shangjiu could not say thank you to his brother in person; And Han Kelu could only get along with his father in his imagination.
They have not experienced death first-hand, but the thoughts that death brings them are so profound.
Then, with the regret and love of the deceased, they will continue to live and continue to move forward.
Some people will use this phrase to remind themselves to cherish life: every day, I "die" once.
But I feel even more that whenever we throw ourselves into life, the past us become part of what comes after us, laying the foundation for our new life.
Why should we wait to think about death before we begin to think about who we are; why wait until the end of the year to start tidying up our lives.
I wish you a good time in the moment and cherish everyone around you.
The world and I love you.
bibliography:
[1] Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and loss: Basic Books.
[2] Aron, A., Paris, M., & Aron, E. N. (1995). Falling in love: prospective studies of self-concept change. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 69(6), 1102-1112.
[3] Gilovich, T, & Medvec, V. H. (1995). The experience of regret: What, when, and why. Psychological Review, 102, 379-395.
Lu Kexin, Wang Xu, Li Hong. (2019). The relationship between different defense mechanisms of death anxiety in fear management. Advances in Psychological Science, 2017,27(02): 158-170.
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About author:Kapok 959, Master of Psychology of Beishi Division, Psychology Teacher of Middle School