Source | Zhang Defen Space (ID:tefenchangpublic5)
A reader in the background left me a message:
"Teacher, do you say that people really change?"
When I first married my husband, I actually saw his superior material conditions, but now I don't know why, I am more and more indifferent to him...
At first, I was still quite humble, only to please him and his parents, but the long-term immersion in this "unequal" relationship made me very broken.
But didn't I once have to be able to tolerate everything as long as I have money? Why not now? Am I wanting too much? ”
In life, we can often see similar psychological dilemmas -
I didn't think clearly about what I wanted, and because of the pressure from the outside world and the fear in my heart, I hurried into a relationship.
After that, in this relationship, I don't feel like being treated, cherished, or pampered.
There are also many dissatisfactions, complaints and anger, which further create a sense of oppression in the relationship.
In fact, they do not realize that their hasty motivation when entering the relationship determines the current state of insufficient and beautiful relationship.
Behind every relationship, there are "four levels of love", which has deeply affected your happiness index when you enter the relationship...
01 Layer 1: The Love of Survival
It feeds on fear and dominates your relationship
Our initial understanding of love may be ignorant and crude.
It is subject to our preconceived notions, our original family, or the social gaze, and we slowly become anxious, lacking, and fearful, wanting to keep grasping and chasing love in a vague way.
Without the provision of love, our hearts will be like a dry well, gradually approaching the abyss of pain.
I was deeply impressed by a visitor who had a visitor in the Space, and at the moment when she sat in front of me, I seemed to see the withered "soul" behind her.
She confessed that she had been with more than 10 men, but without exception, every time she would be injured to the point of exhaustion.
They not only cheated on her feelings, but also swept away her money, and even got her 6 months in jail by one of the men.
It was the worst time, she was with each other for two years, helping others raise children and serving her parents, but the man cheated money in her name, and finally caused her to suffer.
This case is a very typical survival love.
Because of their inner scarcity, they want to cling to men to death, driven by inner fears, to find someone to marry at will, and to be a nanny and an old mother.
But this kind of low-consciousness relationship has problems with the "heart" from the beginning, so it is difficult to start and end well.
Isabelle, the heroine of the film "Warm Sun in the Heart", is also eager to pursue love after divorce because she is full of fear of life and the future.
For a long time, she was flustered between different men.
The repeated emotional overturning did not make her realize her own problems, and even said to her friends: "Sleeping with a mean man makes me feel a kind of pleasure." ”
The real Isabel, in fact, is extremely insecure and always wants to ask for love from boys.
The tragedy of Isabel's love is essentially a projection of her own problems.
Because of the pursuit of the "cause" of love, the "effect" of the relationship is determined in the dark.
This kind of love may carry our own need for security and stability, but it may not meet our higher emotional needs.
Imagine this: if marriage is only to grab someone to come over to cover the wind and rain and warm the bed, and there is not much spiritual communication and connection between each other, isn't marriage an "empty shell" without a soul?
The flesh has found a night of stability, but where should the shaking soul stop?
If you stay at this level, love will naturally appear shallow and not strong enough, and the relationship will continue to have problems, reminding you that you must consciously raise your "level of love".
02 The second layer - the love of the individual
Driven by the "ego" to create trouble
After crossing the first layer of survival love, because the emotional level we do not get real comfort, the inner "little self" is still in a state of hunger, and in the relationship will show the desire to grasp, asking the other party to meet their various expectations and needs.
At this time, we also come to the second layer of "individual love".
A netizen complained that the blind date knows the marriage of the husband, knows that the emotional foundation is relatively thin, and needs to be slowly cultivated, but it is impossible to bear the taste of not salty and not light after marriage.
Every day when I come home from work and see my husband's lukewarm appearance, I have an indescribable sense of emptiness in my heart, and I also have a lot of dissatisfaction and unreasonable demands.
The husband's mouth is not sweet, and she never wants to please herself, so she has to find stubble in the dishes cooked by the other party, saying: "Since your cooking is not very tasty, you will have to do more in the future!" “
The salary increase, the husband did not praise himself in time, and he blamed the other party for being impersonal.
A few times her husband went on a business trip without bringing gifts back, she not only showed an ugly face, but also pretended to be angry, insisting that the other party come over to coax herself to be happy.
After that, seeing that her husband did not perform well, he simply asked his husband to write a letter of guarantee to ensure that he would buy gifts for himself on business trips in the future, otherwise he would be punished a number of times.
However, the more anxiously she longed for these external things, the more her husband felt that she was unreasonable.
Unconsciously, the marriage between the two also moved towards a negative cycle pattern.
Is this netizen's story very similar to the path that each of us has traveled in the relationship?
Obviously, our hearts desire more love, but in exchange for more flaws and imbalances in the relationship.
It is not that there is a problem with our desires themselves, but that the inner "ego" is wrongly guided, making us mistakenly think that only by asking the other party to satisfy, we are loved.
This is really just a set of psychological defense mechanisms that we have mistakenly developed for fear of not getting love.
But can these external things really satisfy our need for love?
Such love is also very empty, because they temporarily satisfy the "small self", but they are disconnected from the true self, and eventually they will be frustrated.
03
The third level – the love of the soul
Across identity, in the flesh, to love with all your heart.
Fortunately, once the "ego" awakens after stumbling through the relationship, it will lead us to a higher level of love.
This kind of love is the "love of the soul" that comes from the depths of our hearts and is full of breath.
The story in the TV series "Heavenly Path" vividly shows the love of the soul.
The heroine Rui Xiaodan, listened to "Daughter of Heaven" for the first time in Ding Yuanying's home, and her soul was shocked, and for a long time after that, her soul was nourished by this song, and she fell in love with Ding Yuanying without reservation.
She had stripped naked in front of Ding Yuanying, but Ding Yuanying said calmly:
"I'm human, and I haven't evolved enough to ignore instinct at this point. But how dare I receive such a gift from God? ”
In Ding Yuanying's eyes, he admired Rui Xiaodan's pure heart more than the beautiful nude.
And Rui Xiaodan has long been conquered by Ding Yuanying's unique ideas, and in the process of finally hunting down the gangsters, he would rather die with the gangsters than Ding Yuanying see his legs blown off and his face disfigured.
The love between them, spanning the body and life and death, is the intertwining and collision of soul and soul.
Love at this level may also contain some first- and second-level intentions, but it has made greater breakthroughs in spiritual growth.
In the relationship, we can not only rely on each other on the material level, but also accept and respect each other in the depths of the soul, and achieve soul resonance and synchronous growth.
The progress of our love to this level means that love has a qualitative sublimation.
And our relationship has truly crossed the realm of harmony and beauty.
And, of course, there is the highest level – compassionate love.
This kind of love is completely selfless and altruistic love.
It may not be easy for our love to be so lofty, but if we can continue to escalate love, we can carry more compassion in our hearts, give and return more love.
04 Sublimate yourself from the cracks of love
Higher levels of love are the temple of love to which we all aspire.
It's just that more often than not, love stays on the first and second levels.
Love also gives birth to cracks, making us live a tangled and unhappy life.
Writer Leonard Cohen said that everything has cracks, and that's where light comes in.
Deeply.
In this mirror of relationship, we can clearly see ourselves and practice ourselves anytime and anywhere.
By constantly repairing our own deficiencies, we will get closer and closer to the sublimation of love.
1. Be aware of the hierarchy of love and see yourself
Many times, we may not be aware of our own motivations and states, and we enter into a relationship in a vague way.
When the relationship was flawed, we suddenly regretted: "I didn't want to be in a hurry to marry him", "It turned out that he was not the one who suited me"...
But anyway, we've come to the relationship, so try to be aware of the level of love we're at, so that we have a clearer picture of our initial motivations and our current state.
This process is also an opportunity to gain insight into yourself.
When you see your inner uneasiness or ego hunger, you may retract your excessive complaints about your partner and refocus on improving the relationship.
2) Bear the cracks and pain in the relationship
Psychologist Jung believed that in a sense, the deepest pain in relationships cannot be solved, and we can only accept surrender and transcend them in growth.
We see our feelings of lack, loneliness, and inferiority that we are not satisfied with in our search for love, and we may not be able to eliminate them, but we can try to accept these feelings and slowly let go of the demand for love.
It's the courage to take on cracks and pain in relationships, and when pain becomes part of what we can accommodate, our understanding of love will be deeper and we will be able to learn how to love.
3. In the dance of the chakras, healing and sublimating love
We are all seeking love, but not all of us understand the meaning of love, and we may lose the ability to love after being hurt in a relationship.
By practicing chakra dance, we can open the heart chakra, the central point of the chakra system, to our spiritual center and core.
Zhang Defen Space "Meet offline Experience Camp" Chakra Dance
Here, we leap from the self-desire and action of the lower chakras into a larger pattern, allowing the ego to dance in a larger network of relationships.
The energy of the heart chakra is love. It does not depend on external stimuli, but experiences the state of being inward; it is not an extension of desires and needs, but a connection between divine feelings and empathy.
We will transcend ourselves and grow towards bigger, deeper, stronger goals.
When we ascend in pursuit of bliss, we expand and heal ourselves, and we go to the temple of love at a higher level!
Source: Defen Zhang Space (ID: tefenchangpublic5), sharing the concept of self-responsibility, advocating for a mentally healthy lifestyle, and helping readers to make a positive transformation.