This text number is 6284 and the estimated reading time is 15 minutes.
Reading enriches people and sharing makes people happy. At the end of the article, a mind map is attached to help you sort out the essence of the context in the text. Welcome to read, you are one step closer to knowledge.
The book shared today is Speaking with Facts.
Mark Murphy Mark Murphy, a global leadership TOP30 expert and founder of Leadership IQ, has advised more than 100,000 entrepreneurs, covering almost all industries and half of the Fortune 500, and well-known media such as Fortune, Forbes, BusinessWeek, and The Washington Post call him an "expert on employee engagement."
I don't know when we started, we began to slowly accept the concept of white lies. In interpersonal communication, they talk but their brains, always say something that makes others unhappy, work and life are often affected, bad mood, poor interpersonal relationships, and more and more feel that sometimes lies are a kind of goodwill, is an effective way of communication. But a lie is a lie, it can never be true, and to solve the practical problems of work and life, you still need to speak with facts. This book proposes eight steps to speak with facts to help us get rid of emotional control, focus on facts, remove communication barriers, and earn the trust of others.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="125" >01, the reason for avoiding the truth</h1>
It is not easy to admit that we have done something wrong, or only partially, even if it is good for us to do so. When stung by the truth, in order to protect ourselves from pain, we will find ways to abort the conversation, refuse to listen, and even resist the truth, but what we do is not always conscious.
Why is conversation important? Why talking about this, the ability to talk, is important to everyone. The reason for this is that although the conversation cannot play a role in reshuffling the cards, it will bring "new cards".
When we play cards, you can't reshuffle the cards, you have these cards in your hand, and you can't reshuffle the cards. But conversation can produce surprises, conversations can bring "new cards", and can also produce changes in the pattern. So, be sure to learn the ability to talk. So why do people reject the truth so much? There are four kinds of truth killers here, and people are generally reluctant to accept the truth for these four reasons.
1. Ignorant self-confidence
Mark Twain once said, "You will naturally be more careful about what you don't understand; most of the things that cause trouble are things that you think you understand." ”
For example, if your piano teacher asks you to straighten your hands and curl your shoulders (neither of these positions is right), you confidently think it's the best position to play the piano; your running coach has trained you to touch the ground with your heels instead of the soles of your feet since elementary school, and you naturally feel confident that your movements are right.
Sometimes the root of ignorant self-confidence is not lack of training or lack of information feedback, but rather a loss of metacognition or ignorance due to ignorance, known as the Dunning-Kruger effect, a phenomenon discovered by Cornell University psychologists David Dunning and Justin Kruger, a cognitive bias that stems from people's lack of ability in some way but their inability to recognize their own incompetence. Not only are they unable to recognize their own incompetence, but they also mistakenly believe that they are capable and feel confident as a result.
2. Perception of differences
What is perceptual difference? Most classical musicians consider Beethoven's Ninth Symphony to be a great work, hailed as the most outstanding art in western traditional music. But in 1842, the reviews received at the time of the work's birth were not all positive. The famous Victorian British critic John Ruskin commented on the work: "I look at Beethoven like a bag of disordered nails and a hammer thrown next to it. Say that the voices here are not disordered at all. And some people commented, don't forget, Beethoven can't hear. Everyone sneers, this is called perceptual difference.
The author did an experiment. He took out a video of a guest receiving a guest at the front desk of the hotel, and then showed it to two groups of people, and the evaluation of the two groups of people was diametrically opposite. Both groups of people are hotel management experts, and one group of people said, you see how relaxed he is, how pleasant he is, he greets customers. It was a night, about 12 o'clock in the video, after the guest arrived at the front desk, this person also said a few words to the guest, chatted, and then the guest got the room card, it was normal, sent away.
As a result, a group of people said that it was very natural, kind, considerate, and had a sense of humor, so the score was very high. The other group of people, probably frowning and getting angry at first, was too bad. They think, how can a hotel have such employees? Didn't you notice that the guests' eyebrows were wrinkled? Haven't you noticed that the guests are tired? The guests were tired and still saying something. You will find that it is normal to give a completely different evaluation when we say the same thing, once we have a difference in perception.
3. Psychological resistance
What is psychological resistance? That is, the person may have found out that he messed things up, but in this case, admitting mistakes can damage self-esteem, so he will give a reasonable explanation for his mistakes, argue that he did not make mistakes, and then try to do things better. This truth killer is called psychological resistance.
Jack Nicholson plays Nathan In the Court-Martial Drama "The Wind of the Righteous Sea". R． Colonel Jessip, who famously said, "You can't deal with the truth." "For some reason, a lot of people can't cope with the truth, especially when dissecting the truth requires someone to admit their mistakes, like messing up work and not taking care of others, or when we find ourselves not as smart as we thought we were." When someone has two different beliefs in their minds, psychological resistance arises, which can lead to unpleasant psychological tension, that is, cognitive dissonance.
For example, if I believe I have good intentions and am willing to give, what happens when I take action or hear a fact that is different from my beliefs? If a scene arises when my neighbor tells me that I am the only person in the community who does not give her food, which leads to her homelessness, her words cause me to feel unpleasant nervousness. I firmly believe that I have a sense of charity, but I hear people say that I have done things that are not charitable. This cognitive dissonance damaged my brain and prompted me to take action to reduce this unpleasantness.
4. Conflict of interests
What is conflict of interest? Why did it take Barry Marshall 23 years to solve this problem after discovering Helicobacter pylori? Because before he did this, there were already a large number of pharmaceutical companies that produced a large number of drugs to cure stomach ulcers, and those drugs to treat stomach ulcers were completely ineffective. Because I didn't understand the mechanism of stomach ulcer at all, but I have spent so much money, I have paved so many channels, and I have produced so many medicines. Therefore, these pharmaceutical companies that sell drugs and the doctors who prescribe these drugs must not allow you to say that what you say is right, which is called conflict of interests.
So once there is a conflict of interest, you will find that if you want to convince him, it is really not a problem that can be solved at the psychological level. Sometimes it's a life-and-death struggle.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="49" >02, how to face the truth</h1>
He is not willing to accept the facts, he is not willing to face the truth, so how should we deal with these four opposing forces in people's hearts?
1. Focus on the facts
What is Focus on Facts? There is a model to use called the FIRE model, F-I-R-E. Each letter of FIRE represents a step, a fact, an interpretation, a reaction, and a result. Why?
For example, there's an employee named Casey who's 5 minutes late in the morning, and being 5 minutes late is a fact, but because my brain is an interpreting machine, I'll immediately give meaning to that fact. If I've had some holidays with Casey in the past, which affects my brain's interpretation of Casey's tardiness, I'll make a negative reading about Casey's tardiness, such as "5 minutes late" as "Casey is a selfish and lazy person, she doesn't think about the rest of the team, she doesn't bother to set an alarm."
Based on this reading, the emotional response is that I am angry. The result I expected was to have this, selfish slacker text me every morning before leaving home so she could go to work on time every day.
In the above situation, my emotions were highly mobilized, which made it less likely that I would sit down with Casey for a calm, dispassionate, and truth-based conversation based on the fact that I was "5 minutes late." When my interpretation, reaction, and desired outcome works, it creates a dynamic scenario that will lead to overreacting and meaningless confrontation. Giving meaning to facts can have other problems, which are the result of our personal biases.
It's a fact that Casey is 5 minutes late for work, and in this case, I assume that the reason she's late is negative, like she's late for not setting an alarm. But if she met her boss in the parking lot and talked and she said she liked to work with me, that I was the backbone of the team, and so on, how would I interpret her tardiness? Am I in a good mood and ignore the facts themselves? Casey's late arrival proves that our interpretation would lead to our own IRE model generating an untrue story.
So, the author says, you have to draw a crosshair on the paper, you have to take apart the record of the facts, the interpretations, the reactions, and the results. When the other person talks to you, what he says is the facts, written in the facts column; what he says is his interpretation, this is the interpretation, written in the interpretation column; what you think, which is the reaction, put in the reaction column; what you plan to do, this is the result, put in the result column.
Only by drawing and expressing in this structured way can we really focus on F, that is, focus on facts. What are facts? Facts must have the following characteristics: concrete, impartial, objective, non-emotional, and timely. What we want to say is timely, unsentimental, objective, just, concrete, and this is called fact.
2. Empathetic thinking
What is empathy? There are some alcoholic therapists, and alcoholics have to do alcohol testing and do a lot of questionnaires. After doing so, the therapist said that you drank more than 90% of the people, so you now need to get alcohol treatment. Often when talking to alcoholics about it, these people can't accept it. He said, "Really? I didn't feel like I didn't think I was drinking enough. ”
When you find an alcoholic therapist, there are two different reactions. One reaction is to say that experiments don't lie, and how much you drink is not counted in your heart?! When you look at this kind of person, they don't care about each other's feelings at all. The other group of people, just need to say something like, "I know the result surprised you, I think this may not be what you expected", just add this sentence. After adding only this sentence, you will find that the number of people who seek the latter group to receive alcohol treatment has increased significantly. This phrase is called empathy.
What is empathy? Empathy is not an emotional thing, it does not mean that the other party is depressed and you have to be depressed, the other party is sad, you have to be sad. You don't have to be taken away by him, this is not this kind of emotional transposition, empathy is the cognitive activity of emotional resonance and the mental activity of understanding the feelings of others.
When you're able to empathize, your relationships and conversations are much more difficult. Some people say, "Then I learned to think in empathy, I say things like this all day to soothe other people's hearts, so what if he doesn't do this to me?" "That's what a lot of people think in their hearts.
The author says that you don't need to force others, as long as one party can do empathy, the conversation will be fine. It's for better conversation, it's not a matter of losing and taking advantage, and the best way to call the other person by name when you see the other person as a vague group, why? This reduces the stereotype of the group.
Like that person, that guy, that guy, those guys, those people. When you call a person by this, without a specific name, the antagonistic psychology has already arisen. You simply can't empathize with him because you've created stereotypes about him, you think he's that kind of person, and it's much better if you call him by name.
Why? It's that when he's a guy, it's easier for you to care about him, and when he's a group, it's easier for you to ignore his feelings. That's what we mean by being able to call each other out by their names and reduce stereotypes. The last thing to remind everyone is empathy, does not mean to forgive bad behavior, empathy does not mean forgiveness, does not mean that there are no boundaries, does not mean that it can not be negotiated.
3. Set effective goals
Learn to set effective goals when speaking. So what do we call invalid targets first? There are three most typical categories of invalid targets. The first invalid goal is to say I need an apology, and the purpose of a lot of people talking to someone is to need an apology. The second is that I want you to admit that you are wrong, and the purpose of the conversation is to prove the other person wrong, so it ends up being an argument. Third, I'm going to make you feel bad about what you've done.
So arguing, retaliating, asking the other party to apologize, and things like that are ineffective targets in truth talks, and your pursuit of these things is emotional catharsis, which has almost no impact on how to move this thing forward.
So, how do you set an effective goal? There is a principle here called the six-month post-principle. What is the principle after six months? That is, when you set a goal, you have to start the time distance, that is, if we start, the concept of time distance. You will find that our sense of stress and negative emotions will drop dramatically.
If it is in the present, you have to apologize at the moment, you have to admit that you are wrong, because at this time you are angry, you have no time distance. But if you think about it, you had an argument with a colleague in an office, and six months later, what kind of relationship do you want the two of you to have? Your ideas immediately become different. Because you need a longer-term plan, you need the two of us to be able to live in peace, preferably the two of us can help each other, we can both recognize the reality, how can we do. At this time, the goals you set are more scientific and constructive. So when setting goals, you have to understand that our conversation is different in terms of difficulty.
4. Dialogue rather than confrontation
Many people have confrontational emotions when faced with difficult conversations and when faced with the need to tell the truth. Confrontation does not bring you effective goals. We should find a way to invite the other person into the atmosphere of the conversation. So how? There is a tool called the IDEAS model, I-D-E-A-S, 5 steps. The first step is to invite invite, inviting the other person to participate in the conversation. Would you like to have a conversation with me about something? Would you like to talk to me about anything?
Second, lift. I don't want to accuse you of anything, I want to discuss with you what we think about it, and use this method to lift the other person's guard.
The third is called elimination, elimination of blame. If the two of us have different views on the matter, we can discuss it.
The fourth is called recognizing the rights of the other party. Give the other person a right to choose, recognize the other person's rights, and finally set a time. Do you want to talk now or after we've eaten at noon? These five sentences are said in 30 seconds, and we need to say this paragraph within 30 seconds. After speaking out, create an atmosphere for the other party to invite the other party to join the conversation.
If this matter is really serious and he says he doesn't want to talk about it, what should he do at this time? You can add a sentence: Then can I ask why? Why don't you want to talk to me? At this time, the conversation has actually begun, so with this IDEA method, within 30 seconds to pull the other party into the conversation scene, what if it is messed up? What if the other person is really angry, or the other person's words annoy you? Pause in a one-second way, give yourself a second of time, and pause for a moment. Think about it, can I do some remedial measures and so on, so call it a one-second pause to mobilize your compassion.
5. Create text pictures
There is a case in the book that a dealer of a casino was called to talk by his boss, who felt that the dealer of the casino had a bad service attitude. He called this man named Flande, and after calling him, he said: "Flander, this year's year-end evaluation, I gave you a year-end evaluation result that met expectations, your licensing skills are very good, but your customer service level still needs to be improved." ”
Frander looked at the leader puzzled and said, "What do you mean by meeting expectations?" I'm the best dealer in the whole casino. The leader said: "I don't see it this way, Frande, I mean your customer service level needs to be improved, especially if you are not polite enough to customers, you must know that polite hospitality is the top priority." ”
Flandre said, "What does this mean?" The leader said, "You have to be more polite, it's not a complicated concept." Frand said sarcastically, "I should let them win every time, right?" So that customers can feel how much we value them? In the casino, let the customers win money every time, what a joke. ”
The leader was furious and said, "Flandre, if you don't understand this simple concept, then I'm going to downgrade your assessment to the expectation." ”
Thus they begin to enter into threats and confrontations. Where is the point of pain here? What is called a good service is not defined. There is no exact definition of good service, so what led Frand to think that good service is that I can just give the cards well? Do you still expect me to smile with each of them? Do you still expect me to let them all win? There is no definition, so at this time, it is very important for us to learn this tool, called creating text pictures.
What is creating a text picture? That is, at least you have to give three elements, what is a bad service, what a good service is, and what a good service is. When you can fully describe these three elements, you can really define what a good service is.
First of all, we have to confirm what is a bad service, for example, the employee says no to the customer, or we can't do that; when the guest comes to the card table, the service staff turns a blind eye, or just says hello to the customer and says, hi; and there is no sympathy for the angry customer, which is also a poor service; dismiss the guest who loses money, just say: Gambling is like this, or the skill is not as good as people, this kind of words, this is poor service.
Then we must first define the bad service, and after the definition is completed, we will define what is a good service. We think that you shouldn't say no to your guests, you should say something like: Of course, you can do this, or I don't know, but I can definitely solve the problem for you; to greet guests with a smile, in a complete sentence, for example, are you having fun here today? My name is Frander, it's nice to know you, and then when a guest loses money and gets angry, you should at least say that I deeply regret your experience. It was good service.
So what is excellent service? If you're going to define good service, good service goes a step further than good service, such as saying to a guest, "I don't know, but I can definitely solve the problem for you and then get other departments in the casino involved." "This allows you to find a solution for your customers within 10 minutes, and good customer service doesn't just stop at saying a complete sentence to the customer, but also involves the customer in the conversation, such as inviting the customer to sit next to our table and so on." When you can present this picture with language and words, we will have a concrete, clear, and consistent understanding of what is good, what is bad, and what is excellent.