Recently, actor ReIza presented a talk show about the frustration education of "Chinese parents" in the variety show "Listen to My Sister".
If you rush home with a 95-point roll, you will be greeted by your mother who is afraid that you are too happy: "95 points, that difference is 5 points, where is the difference?" ”
"You scored 95 points today, can you guarantee that you will all score 95 points?"
"Your 95 points looks good, but what do you get out of the billions of people in the country?"
Parents who treat their children, pursue frustration education, and adhere to the principle of "modesty makes people progress" are particularly stingy with praise.
Even if it is praise, it will also transfer the praise for the child itself through the art of language: it is a good genetic gene, it is a teacher who teaches well, it is influenced by a good environment and a good school, and it is close to Zhu Zhichi.
In short, it is difficult to hear a praise that is only for me, and it is difficult to go to the sky.
The term "frustration education" is not unfamiliar to us.
What we may wonder is: how can the more "frustration education" is implemented for children, the more children cannot withstand setbacks?
We're going to talk about that today.
01
Pride makes people regress.
I think this is probably the most basic theoretical basis in the "frustration education" that many of us pursue.
Preventing children's pride is the center and goal of all our family education work.
How can it be prevented? No praise, only suppression.
Let your child know that he can't do it: What is a 95?
Let the child know the difference between himself and other children: you look at xiaoming next door, and the second test is 100 points.
Let the child run hard, but never see the end: keep working hard, and make progress next time.
In short, there are mountains outside the mountains, there are people outside the people, your small achievements are nothing at all, what is there to show off?
As we mentioned earlier, even if the results are achieved, the teachers teach well, the genes are good, and the school atmosphere is good.
As for the child himself? Nothing, don't be complacent.
We seem to confuse a concept: pride complacency and self-identification.
We have inexplicable concerns about the pride of our children that we expand him to:
As long as you affirm yourself, you are proud.
To constantly demean yourself and feel that you can't do anything is humility.
In fact, children not only need self-identification, but also need to identify with parents and teachers.
This is the basis of their mental energy.
02
Suppressing education is not education of frustration.
For a long time, we actually misunderstood the suppression of education and frustration education.
I have written before about Guo Degang's discipline of his son Guo Qilin, and he follows the most traditional suppression education in China: there are many rules, never praise, and nothing is right.
Moreover, how to hurt self-esteem, how to come, the more people, the more vigorous the scolding of Guo Qilin.
His reasoning was: he should not be self-righteous, first break his self-esteem at home, and if he is scolded at home, others will not scold him when he goes out.
According to Guo Qilin's development today, it seems that his educational effect is not bad: the famous second generation of stars is polite, has high emotional intelligence, is humble, hard-working, and self-motivated.
But few people know that Guo Qilin once had low self-esteem to the bone: he would habitually apologize to others;
As long as you are not thoughtful, you will feel extremely guilty and self-blamed;
Doesn't think he has any ability, and all the approval of the people around him is because of his father...
For details, see previous articles, and the blue characters can be read:
#父母离异, dropped out of junior high school, and he didn't have a long bias #
Of course, he slowly found his own position behind him, and achieved certain achievements in variety shows and film and television dramas, before stepping out of the shadow of inferiority and gradually letting go of himself.
In fact, Guo Degang's education method can represent the educational mentality and way of many of our parents, is it not to love children? Of course not.
The more you love, the more you scold, the more you love, the more you deny and belittle, the child is low to the dust, and he still feels that he is not worthy of the dust.
Unfortunately, most children are ordinary people.
Parents do not have Guo Degang's resources, and children do not have outstanding talents, so it becomes an awkward and tangled situation:
He was suppressed by his parents at home and suppressed by his teachers and classmates when he went to school.
In the end, the child will not only not "catch up", but simply "break the jar and break the broken", lying flat on the spot.
Suppress education, directly beat children into the mud, unable to move.
03
So, is it necessary to blindly praise and praise?
No matter what the child does, it is "My child is the best!" "My kids are the smartest!" This is the most conducive to the growth of children, can it help children build confidence?
Not.
Ignoring a child's mistakes only creates a lawless child who thinks he is the center of the world, not a truly confident child.
Perhaps, what we should think about is: are praise and criticism two completely opposed ways that cannot coexist?
As long as the child is praised once, the child will be inflated and proud from then on, and he does not know the height of the sky?
As long as the child is criticized once, will the child's self-esteem be damaged and he will never recover?
It's not that exaggerated.
The meaning of education is to let children find their own and suitable positions in the crowd.
It is not to believe that you are useless, nor to believe that you are omnipotent.
If you do well, of course, you deserve to be praised. A brief period of joy and self-recognition does not allow a child to fly from now on, with no one in sight.
Doing something wrong, of course, needs to be criticized and even punished, because society will not tolerate everything about children like parents.
Not leaning left, not leaning right, is the way of education.
04
So, having said all that, what is the real frustration education?
Setback education, personally, does not artificially create setbacks for children in advance: suppression, hardship, and denial, these methods do not seem to have other effects except to hit children's self-confidence.
What is the real frustration education?
It is the process of teaching children how to cope with setbacks and face difficulties with children after they encounter setbacks.
As parents, we always have good intentions and hope to help our children prepare for all in advance: economic, spiritual, and frustrated.
I am afraid that my children will suffer, will encounter injustice, and will not be able to bear it.
However, no matter how carefully planned, everyone's life is difficult to be completely in the planning and control of parents, and it is sooner or later to face setbacks and blows.
It can even be said that it is not exactly a bad thing.
Cope properly, and every setback is an opportunity for children to grow.
How do you deal with setbacks?
First and foremost: don't run away.
Taking school-weary children as an example, the reason why many children are reluctant to go back to school is mostly because they encounter setbacks and blows in school, such as learning and interpersonal relationships.
They don't want to face it because they simply choose not to go back to school.
If parents are too protective, too taking care of things, children do not face, accustomed to escape, this way will become a habit.
Facing it is the only way to deal with setbacks and difficulties.
The second is confidence in oneself.
The reason why this kind of education method is not advocated is because it is likely to cultivate a child with extreme inferiority and depression.
As a survival instinct, when people face setbacks and difficulties, they will be the first to make judgments and reactions: Am I capable of coping? Can I fix it?
Children with low self-esteem often come to the conclusion that no.
What if it doesn't work? Thirty-six counts, go up for the top count.
Of course, it is likely that his ability is not as bad as he thought, and he is fully capable of rushing up, "clicking" a few punches, and knocking the difficulty down.
But he didn't dare, he didn't believe he could do it.
Confidence is the cornerstone of dealing with setbacks.
Third, your family is your backing and support.
When children face setbacks, we parents tend to have two types of reactions:
Rush up directly to help the child solve;
Or blame the child for not being able to do it, which cannot be done with this little difficulty.
Two ways, two extremes.
And the really effective way is to be a good backing role, watch the child try, encourage the child to fight, and when the child really can't do it, turn around and ask the parents for help.
Let the child feel that the parent is with them, but will not replace him to complete his task.
Once the difficulties are overcome, the credit is his own, and he can accumulate experience and confidence from them.
In this way, it is the real frustration education.