After watching "囧Mom", a movie with tears and laughter, there are resonances and many places worthy of our deep thinking. Many of the plots of this movie truly reproduce some of the problems in our real family relationships, and the two lines that are particularly impressive are what Zhang Lu said to Ivan at the beginning of the movie:
You see, this is the problem between the two of us, you have a fantasy wife in your heart, what should she like, what to hate, how to talk, you are all set, why do you persevere to transform me? After all these years, haven't you realized that I am not the person you imagined?
And the same thing Ivan said to his mother later:
This is the problem, you live in your heart a fantasy son, why do you persevere in reforming me, so many years, don't you find out, I am not the son you imagined?
It's a lot like our real life, isn't it? How many of us are playing the drama of transformation and being transformed in our relationships?
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" > love is to love what it is, not what I want</h1>
Each of us loves our children, our parents, our partners, but at the same time we have a fantasy child, a parent, a partner in our hearts, and when the behavior of this person on the outside does not conform to the ideal appearance in our hearts, we will involuntarily want to transform him to conform to the imaginary image in our hearts, we cannot see him as he really is, nor can we hear what he really says.
But every effort to transform is actually saying that I only love you part of it, and the other part is not accepted. As a mom, you say: I love you, but I don't like you don't study hard and grade without progress. I love you, but I don't like your mischievous disobedience. As a husband, you say: I love you, but I don't love your fat body. I love you, but I don't like the way you talk. Maybe when we want to transform, we are in the name of "for your own good", but we don't manage how grandiose it is, in essence, I did not accept you as you are.
Each of us longs to be loved unconditionally, to be truly seen, and every time we are transformed, it will bring a heartbreak, because you don't love me as you are, you don't love me, why should I listen to you? In fact, transformation never brings change, but where there is transformation, there is resistance, which leads to the relationship that should have been love and love to kill each other, just like the relationship between Ivan and his mother in the movie, the relationship between Ivan and his wife Zhang Lu, obviously love each other, but in the end they all want to escape.
If we truly love a person, we have to love him as he is, to love him in his wholety, including his flaws, because those flaws are also part of that person. Love never tries to change, love is inclusion, respect and acceptance.
At the end of the "囧Mom" movie, Lu Xiaohua woke up, she realized: everyone is an independent individual, each individual should be complete, love is not control and take, love is acceptance and respect. Because she suddenly woke up, she finally won the understanding and love of her son, which made the relationship between mother and son undergo a qualitative change, and also gave the story a perfect ending.
<h1 class = "pgc-h-arrow-right" > total love brings about total change</h1>
Osho once said in an article: Love never tries to change, but it can bring about great change. Total, unconditional love, it will be able to bring about a revolution, it is very quiet at the time of the revolution, not even the footsteps can be heard, no one has ever been aware that something is happening, as if the buds are blossoming, you can't hear anything, like that never try to change the person you love.
This also reminds me of the story of Zhan Qingyun, a debater who stunned the audience in "Strange Story", she is a Harvard doctor, a post-90s academic bully debater, her debate is widely acclaimed, and she has become one of the most promising debaters to win the "Strange Flower King" in the season. However, what people did not expect was that she was so excellent from childhood to be a child who "lost at the starting line", from primary school to high school, Zhan Qingyun experienced 6 transfers, and every time she went to a new school, she was a backward element. A teacher once said in front of the whole class that she was a "stupid pig"; a teacher scolded her with a post-break language: "Zhan Qingyun, it is a horse's tail wearing tofu, can't be lifted"; another teacher told her mother in front of her: "This child will not even be able to pass the high school in the future, send it to the technical school as soon as possible."
It can be imagined that such a "stupid" child, if it is in the general family, it is difficult to be accepted by their parents, fortunately Zhan Qingyun has a pair of great parents, they give her complete love, trust and acceptance, no matter how the outside world denies her, will not reduce her love, and did not try to transform her according to external standards, in this unconditional love nourishment, Zhan Qingyun slowly found his own strength, more and more excellent, miraculously embarked on a "counterattack" life.
This is the power of true love, very beautiful, may we all love those around us unconditionally, and be nourished by unconditional love.