Self-confidence and self-motivation are probably what all parents expect from their children.
"No one is perfect, you can not be the best, but we hope you can persevere and believe that you can get the first."
There is nothing wrong with this expectation per se, but if not properly guided, it can make a child a "narcissistic personality", a personality trait in which the individual needs to constantly gain recognition from the outside to maintain self-confidence.
On the surface, they are actively striving to be the best in everything they do, but in fact, they are very fragile inside, and they will collapse if they are not satisfied. Even in order to win the first place, improper means are used.
In Lucky Luke: Circus of the West, there is such a "failed successful person".
Luke meets Marigan, the circus leader, on the way, and decides to travel with the circus to the nearby Coyote Fort for the annual Taming of the Horses Festival.
When they arrived at Coyote Castle, they found that it was full of "Zilchy" names: Zilchy Inn, Zilchy Grocery Store, Zilch Funeral Home... Even the Horse Taming Festival they wanted to participate in was held by Zilch, and its full name was called "Zilch Annual Grand Horse Taming Festival".
Zilch is the most honorable person in Coyote Castle, but he is also a narcissistic personality with a serious insecurity at heart.
He was accustomed to the admiration and envy of people, and would not allow anyone to steal his limelight. The arrival of the circus became his greatest threat.
< h1 class = "pgc-h-arrow-right" >, facing "imaginary enemies", 3 manifestations of narcissistic personality</h1>
The circus came to Coyote Castle, hoping only to bring happiness to the people here with circus performances, they would not stay long, and they did not intend to rob anything.
But in the eyes of the narcissistic Zircy, the circus is his enemy, stealing the limelight from his horse training festival, so he has to stop the circus from performing at all costs.
<h1 class = "pgc-h-arrow-right" >1. Rejection of others stems from a lack of self-confidence</h1>
When the circus first arrived at Coyote Castle, a citizen said happily:
"Our Zilch Horse Festival is always the same, maybe this circus can bring us something new!"
This was just when Zilch heard this, and he immediately thought angrily, "A broken circus wants to fight me in my turf!" ”
Afterwards, an enraged Zilch tore up the circus leaflet and declared to circus leader Marigan: "Coyote Castle is too small to accommodate both of us at the same time!" "Roll on! I never want to see you here again! ”
Behind Zilsch's shouting and bluffing was his lack of confidence in his attraction to the Festival.
He feared that the circus would steal the limelight from the Festival, which in turn would lead to the scorn of Zilchy among the citizens, a shame he could not bear.
In fact, this shame existed only in his imagination.
Whether or not the circus performs better than the Taming of the Horses, Coyote Castle still has a lot of Zilch's property, and the public will still respect him.
But the narcissistic personality cares too much about the evaluation of others and cannot rationally look at the existence of "imaginary enemies".
If there is a mistake at the psychological level, the behavior will naturally go astray.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" >2. Attack others in an attempt to eliminate the threat</h1>
Zilch's threat did not work, and Captain Marigan decided to present a wonderful circus performance to the citizens of Coyote Castle.
To stop them, Zilch finds the killer Rattlesnake Joe and hires him to kill the circus's pillar: Andy the Elephant. However, with the help of lucky Luke, the killer is driven away.
The undead Zilch hired local Indians (the red-faced brothers) to sabotage the circus performance, and this time it succeeded, and before the circus performance was over, the Indians set fire to the venue.
Psychoanalyst Otto Congert argues that the typical, pompous narcissistic client may have a strong aggressive drive within. The narcissist will have a particularly exaggerated self, hoping that he is omnipotent, but this exaggeration is so unreal that there is another extreme fragility in his heart, fearing that the exaggerated self will be damaged. At the same time, the exaggerated self cannot tolerate that others have what they do not have, so he will have the impulse to destroy others, and this impulse and attack will also bring a feeling of fear.
Not every narcissist will put the idea of destroying others into action, but Zilch is indeed rich enough to carry out such an attack.
More often, the narcissistic personality can only silently resist the urge to attack others, while enduring the accompanying fear.
When a narcissistic personality meets an imaginary enemy, it either hurts others or hurts itself.
<h1 class = "pgc-h-arrow-right" >3. Belittle others and improve their sense of superiority</h1>
After the failed action of killer Rattlesnake Joe, Zilchy also took steps to discredit the circus, calling on the public to join him in boycotting the circus.
In Zilch's mouth, the circus poses a danger to the people of the city: a terrible elephant and a man-eating lion! The leader of the regiment, Marigen, is just an alcoholic, and the lion's residence is a "broken cage", completely incapable of restraining animals and protecting people.
Zilch also sent his men to release the lions from their cages and create panic just to make the people of Coyote Castle hate the circus — and then continue to enjoy Zilchy's Horse Taming Festival.
People with a little logic will understand that liking circuses and liking horse festivals are two different things, and people don't like horse festivals a little more because they hate circuses, and they don't hate horse festivals because they like circuses.
In the process of belittling others, at the same time exposing one's own narrowness, this is an act of killing eight hundred and self-inflicted damage.
But in the eyes of a narcissistic personality, belittling others is tantamount to exalting oneself.
In order to win the attention of others, they will find ways to belittle the imaginary enemy and prevent them from distracting the audience's attention, and the result can only be a lose-lose situation.
< h1 class = "pgc-h-arrow-right" > two, how to identify a child's narcissistic personality tendencies? </h1>
In fact, everyone has different degrees of narcissism, people are social animals, we all need the attention of others to affirm, which is the source of our self-esteem, self-love, and self-confidence.
But being too narcissistic and inferior to form a "narcissistic personality" indicates that disproportionate self-attention has affected a person's normal work and life.
It is good that children have a competitive spirit, but if the following signs appear, parents should pay special attention to and guide them to avoid deviations in their personality development.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" >1. Fight for the first place in everything and not allow yourself to lose to anyone</h1>
A child's world is equally competitive.
From the school's exam rankings and campaign for class committees, to the children queuing up for the slide who is the first, who builds the blocks together and who rides higher, in the eyes of the children, there is a win or loss.
Mental health children, want to win, but are not afraid to lose. After trying hard, you can't get the results you want, so keep working hard next time.
Children with narcissistic personality tendencies will calculate everything and will not allow themselves to be the ones who lose in every way.
Get less little red flowers than Bob, crying;
Xiaohong has 48 color pens, he only has 24 colors, grievances;
Playing checkers with dad always can't win, crying...
No one can be the first in everything, unrealistic expectations, can only bring heavy disappointment and inferiority.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" >2</h1>
People will make mistakes, and a child with a relatively healthy mind, who knows guilt and introspection after making a mistake, may not be able to correct it immediately, but he can accept criticism with an open mind.
Narcissistic personalities are reluctant to admit that they have made mistakes.
When a narcissistic child who steals candy is caught, he may have the following reactions:
"I didn't eat, I just looked." - Deny the accusations.
"I'll help you taste good or not." - Pretending to behave.
"I'm hungry and can't find anything else to eat." - Looking for excuses.
"Why are you spying on me?" Do you not trust me? --Play the victim.
In short, he is not wrong, you can not criticize him. Otherwise, he will consider himself a loser.
(Parental over-discipline and frequent criticism are a factor in narcissistic personality.) If the child is unwilling to admit mistakes, parents may be able to reflect on their own behavior before guiding the child to change. ）
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" > 3</h1>
No one is perfect, and everyone has advantages and disadvantages. When people get along with each other, there will inevitably be friction between different personalities.
When a child says, "I don't want to be friends with Little Flower anymore because she always grabs my toys," it's normal.
But if the child hates the small flower for no reason, or attacks the advantages of the small flower, the parents need to be vigilant.
Even, the child's mouth is no longer a cute person, all the classmates are excessive, then he is likely to identify with himself by belittling others.
If these signs are found, parents need to pay more attention to their children's mental health and give correct guidance in time.
<h1 class = "pgc-h-arrow-right" > three, how to heal children with narcissistic personality tendencies? </h1>
The narcissistic personality is called "narcissism", but its root cause is inferiority.
They pursue perfect behaviors and thoughts in order to avoid damage to narcissism, to avoid hurting fragile self-esteem, and to avoid awakening efforts to suppress inferiority.
But low self-esteem is not a bad thing in itself. In the view of Alfred Adler, the pioneer of humanistic psychology and the founder of individual psychology, everyone has a sense of inferiority, and the feeling of inferiority itself is not perverted, they are the reason for the increase in human status.
Starting from the healing of inferiority, parents can gradually lead their children out of the misunderstanding of narcissistic personality from the following 3 aspects.
<h1 class = "pgc-h-arrow-right" >1. Recognize and accept a child's inferiority complex</h1>
Adler believes that each of us has different degrees of inferiority because we all find ourselves in a position that we want to improve. If we are always courageous, we can improve the environment in a direct, practical and perfect way to free ourselves from feelings of inferiority.
That is, under the right guidance, inferiority is actually the driving force for positive progress.
No one can tolerate inferiority for a long time, so they must take some kind of action to relieve their tension. If a person's inferiority is not properly alleviated, he will use his sense of superiority to revel in or numb himself, and then derive from the narcissistic personality.
But superiority doesn't solve real problems, it always leads people to avoid failure instead of pursuing success.
Therefore, accepting the child's inferiority complex, guiding the child to accept their own inferiority complex, and avoiding its transformation into a sense of superiority is the primary way to overcome the narcissistic personality.
Specifically, it is possible to hold an "inferiority meeting" at home every week/month. Parents and children take turns to talk about what they are currently inferior because of something, whether this thing can be changed, what way to change, if not, how to go down with inferiority.
First, let the child realize that inferiority is a normal emotion, and both parents will have inferiority;
Second, show the child the way parents overcome their inferiority and encourage him to find his own way.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" >2. Lead children to participate in collaborative projects</h1>
Competition makes children suffer from gain and loss, and cooperation allows them to experience the warmth of the close connection between people.
In most schools today, training in competition is greater than cooperation. This is an unfortunate thing for children.
Adler believes that cooperation is the only guarantee we have to prevent the development of psychopathic tendencies, so children should be taught more about cooperation than defeating others.
On the contrary, if a child does not learn to cooperate, he is bound to go pessimistic and develop a solid inferiority complex.
At the end of Lucky Luke: Circus of the West, a manager from France discovers the wonderful performance of The Leader of the Marrigan Regiment at the Horse Training Festival and invites Zircy and Marigen to paris and Europe together.
The proud and fragile Zircy, after reaching a cooperation with the circus, is happy again.
In the movie "Spring of the Cattle Herding Class", Mr. Matthew faces the problem students of the whole class and skillfully uses the formation of the choir to let the children experience the fun of cooperation without landing. Even for the five-tone child, Matthew did not give up, and he assigned a glorious task to the child, making him stand in front of the choir and hold the sheet music high for the conductor.
As a supplement to school education, parents, as an important mentor of children's personality development, guide children to participate in cooperative projects, which is more important than encouraging children to "win the first".
It just so happens that family life is very suitable for collaborative projects.
For example, the whole family cooks dinner together, the child is responsible for washing the dishes, the father is responsible for cutting the vegetables, and the mother is responsible for stir-frying.
In the choice of interest classes, you can appropriately reduce the number of competitive subjects such as Olympiad, and learn more cooperative skills such as chorus and dance.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" >3. Guide children to recognize themselves and set goals</h1>
The temple of Apollo in the ancient Greek city of Delphi has an inscription on it: Man, know yourself.
Knowing yourself means knowing where your strengths and weaknesses are, and being clear about which characteristics need to be improved and which ones need to be maintained.
The pain of narcissistic personality is largely due to inaccurate self-perception and biased self-positioning.
If they imagine their perfect selves in their imagination, they cannot accept the flawed and error-prone selves in reality.
For children with narcissistic personality tendencies, parents can help them recognize themselves through "vocational training".
Specifically, it is to let the child choose a career that he wants to engage in in the future, and analyze with the child, what qualities and abilities are necessary to engage in this profession? It doesn't matter which abilities don't work at all?
For example, to be a fashion designer, you must be able to draw, cut, and be able to distinguish the differences between various fabrics; if you want to be internationally renowned, you also need to master proficient English. Cooking, mathing, singing, probably just don't need skills.
Skills such as drawing and cropping that need to be mastered must be learned gradually from 0 to 1, from 1 to 10.
Parents may think that their children are still young, their personalities are not fixed, and the careers they want to choose will change from year to year.
It doesn't matter, because the role of "vocational training" is not to really expose the child to work as soon as possible, but to make him understand that he does not need to be perfect, and in many ways he can be an idiot, which does not affect his future successful career and happy life.
Another role is to let him learn to clarify goals and make plans, and experience the sense of accomplishment through hard work to get closer to the goal step by step. The joy of this sweat is much heavier than the emptiness of superiority.
"I'm a lone cowboy, uprooted alone..." After helping the circus and Zircy, lucky Luke hummed a little tune on horseback and drifted away in the afterglow of the setting sun. The story of "Circus of the West" has come to an end for the time being.
Born as a human being, we are inherently weak and inferior, and only by cooperating with each other and learning from each other's strengths can we live a short life. May every child's inferiority be redeemed, self-recognition, and self-transcendence.