Professor Xu Youxin, a famous psychologist in China, once said, "The definition of affection is to temporarily abandon the self and identify with the other party." In layman's terms, empathy refers to putting oneself in the shoes of the patient, comparing the heart to the heart, and trying to enter the patient's inner world, without making any judgment and evaluation, to experience the patient's experience. ”
Empathy here is what we often call empathy, not just for psychotherapeutic patients, but also for ordinary people. But it's very difficult to do.
Looking at the story of Li Ka-shing changing his tie will inspire us.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" > the story of Li Ka-shing changing into a red tie</h1>
Li Ka-shing once went out to meet an old friend, wearing a black suit, with a red tie, when he walked out of the office building, he was stopped by an employee and told Li Ka-shing that he should wear a black tie, which was not suitable and would make the other party feel uncomfortable.
In other words, what would you do?
Li Ka-shing thanked the reminder, immediately went back to change into a black tie, and when he got to the car, he changed back to the original red tie. The assistant was puzzled, and Li Ka-shing explained that the friend he wanted to meet was very familiar and liked his red tie.
As for why it is not directly explained to the employees, in order to affirm the employees, recognize the employees, protect the enthusiasm of the employees, and make the employees feel respected and valued.
This is superfluous in the eyes of the average person, but from a psychological point of view, this move shows a person's excellent empathy ability.
People are social animals, and everyone likes to be recognized and praised, and more importantly, to be respected and understood, in technical terms, to be "empathetic".
Empathy is the ability to enter the other person's psychological world, empathize and respect each other's thoughts, feelings and actions.
Li Ka-shing is well versed in this way, considering not his own convenience, but considering the feelings of the other party, and it can be said that by maintaining the employee's ideas, he has achieved the purpose of making employees feel respected.
Psychologists with real levels are also master practitioners of empathy, such as accepting concessions when they are not needed.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" > psychologist Li Kefu accepted the story of the concession</h1>
Teacher Li Kefu said that once he took the bus to give a lecture, after getting on the bus, a 3- or 4-year-old child took the initiative to give up his seat, he saw a lot of empty seats around, but still accepted the child's kindness, sat down, solemnly thanked, which made the child very happy.
He said that the purpose of this is simple, he can not refuse a child's good behavior, if the rejection will make the child feel disappointed, altruistic love behavior is not recognized, it can not be "positive reinforcement", and may no longer be positive in similar situations in the future.
These behaviors seem simple, but they are not easy to do, because it is not beneficial to see things from the perspective of others. That is to say, it is not self-centered, but others-centered, which is the embodiment of humanistic feelings.
Treating yourself as someone else is empathy, while treating others as yourself is the opposite of being self-centered and falling into self-centeredness.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" > as a counterexample, a personal experience of a story of rejection of kindness</h1>
To participate in group activities to wear a ribbon to take pictures, the neighbor is a colleague from other cities, do not recognize, but does not affect the enthusiasm of people, he handed me a pin, said to fix the ribbon.
Because I had been prepared for a long time, the automatic thinking reflex refused, that is, the Buddha's kindness, I didn't feel anything at the time, and now I think back to some shame, because in addition to immediately rejecting, I also secretly think about how smart I am and how bad the other party is prepared, and behind the smugness, not only has no empathy, but also exposes the lack of humanity, without humanistic feelings.
Small things are not small, small things are the reflection of habitual thinking, emotions, and behavior patterns.
Suppose you can follow the above master's practice, take this little pin by the hand, sincerely thank you, "Hello me, hello everyone", this is the real empathy ability.
Small things are not small, because small things can hone awareness. Only by remaining aware can we continue to awaken and promote enlightenment.
Let's see how this empathy ability is cultivated.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" > how empathy skills are developed</h1>
Drawing on the above example, you can take three steps:
The first is to explain behavior, affirming that behavior comes from good motives.
From the perspective of the other party, explain the rationality of the behavior, such as Li Ka-shing clear that the employee's reminder comes from good intentions, Teacher Li Kefu accepts the child's giving way out of respect, and of course I know that people are well-intentioned. This is not difficult to explain good behavior, it is difficult to face things that do not bring bad emotions, but also to give the other party a rational explanation, such as children are noisy and disobedient and have their unmet needs, must warn themselves to calm down and find it.
The second is to accept emotions and accept that everyone is a living person.
Professor Xu Youxin said that the psychotherapeutic relationship is an intimate relationship, and one of the manifestations of this intimate relationship is "acceptance", "accepting the patient is the premise of developing the relationship, tolerating the shortcomings and shortcomings of the patient, while at the same time valuing and appreciating the strengths and advantages of the patient." "This is not the case for interpersonal relationships in general. The expression of emotions that the other party makes us uncomfortable must, of course, be accepted, just as we often have various emotions, and naturally have the right to express catharsis.
The third is to say what you need and use your own words to say what the other party means.
This is the ability to observe the color of the will, Li Ka-shing employees remind the boss to reflect the company's image, give a good impression, imply a sense of honor and respect needs, for this li Ka-shing with a tie change behavior to express the need to recognize employees, to meet the need for respect. Teacher Li Kefu accepted the concession to meet the needs of the children to dedicate love, and I was self-righteous and thus equivalent to denying the kindness of others.
< h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" > summary</h1>
To sum up a sentence, if you want to give people a feeling like a spring breeze, want to make people feel empathy, and want to enhance the ability to experience empathy, you must treat yourself as another person, "think and act" from the perspective of others, start from the perspective of others, and do small things from the perspective of others.
Do not do what is good and small, and do not do it with evil.
Small things are not small, only small things can have great empathy.