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I remember when I was a student, there was a female friend with a good relationship with the opposite sex, who looked average, but never lacked a boyfriend, and if she wanted to save which man, she could easily save the other party.
Later, I came into contact with many female friends who were good at running intimate relationships, and found that they had a lot in common in love.
1, good at taking the initiative to show weakness
I can't do something/I can't do something
For example, girls will not protect themselves in the face of danger, usually do not do heavy work, do not drive to move things, etc., at this time there is a reason to ask for help.
Showing weakness is to show their shortcomings and let the other party help themselves, which is an excuse for contact and a way to brush up on the sense of existence.
Some women say, isn't it very contrived that I take the initiative to show weakness? Don't always think of yourself as a woman, take the initiative to show weakness can establish the emotional link, passive waiting is not waiting, especially in the redemption, many institutions advocate disconnection, disconnection is passive waiting, how can there be results.
Those who make you disconnect are teaching you not to have needs for each other, and to suppress needs when you have needs, but the result of suppressing yourself is often to amplify this desire.
Imagine that you want to eat, but desperately tell yourself that I am not hungry, I do not need to eat, once the opportunity to let you eat, you will basically overeat and eat until you last.
This is the backlash of desire, which Harvard psychology professor Wigner calls an "ironic rebound."
Don't wait passively, accumulate your own sense of need, good at active weakness is a release, release your attraction, and prevent this ironic rebound.
2. Like to create "trouble" for men
Carnegie once said, "If you want to make a friendship last, then you have to let others do a little thing for you, which will make others have a sense of presence and importance." "
Don't be afraid that troublesome men will scare him away, men are not as vulnerable as you think, every time you make a request to him, you are creating a new bondage, creating a new sense of intimacy.
A man cannot lack this sense of existence and importance, he must feel his own importance in order to produce a desire to protect.
The silly white sweetness of those road fools seems to be particularly pleasing to each other, because they make men feel that they can protect her. The underlying logic of this kind of thinking is actually "I'm better than this woman", this is the value affirmation, I can do what you can't do, I'm better than you, you need to be attached to me, which can bring satisfaction to men.
If he feels that you are in this "big trouble" without me and I can't take care of myself, then it is absolutely difficult for him to leave you.
3． Good at self-digestion of negative emotions
Negative emotions will ferment, the radiation effect of emotions is very large, you see a person is not pleasing to the eye, will be accompanied by speculation, imagine more of his shortcomings, if the process continues for a period of time, the other party's imagination will spread indefinitely.
For example, a girl argues with her boyfriend, angrily scolds, and then the boy thinks that she is in a bad mood at this time, and tells her", "Or you can calm down first" and then go to sleep.
Next this girl's mental activity: What does it mean that he made me calm? What does it mean that he doesn't say anything?
An hour later: He was still asleep? Can't he see that I'm angry, he doesn't care about me at all!
Three hours later: Why didn't he come to coax me, did he want to break up with me a long time ago, did I just go along with his wishes?
A night without sleep, thinking: He never loved me! The next morning I said to my boyfriend who had just gotten out of bed: Break up, scumbag!
At this time, the man was confused by the second monk. But those smart women don't always pass on such negative emotions to each other, they will properly self-digest and try not to transmit negative energy to each other. Men with her will feel understood and feel comfortable.
4. Good at analyzing their own problems and self-psychological construction
This self-construction requires self-reflection first.
Reflecting on oneself is easier said than done. For example, if you do something wrong, if you quarrel, instead of talking about it, apologize and it's over.
Many of your deep understandings of your own problems are derived from falling in love. The lover is a real mirror, he can reflect many of our shortcomings. The first step in a smart woman's self-construction is to face up to her own heart.
There are a few questions for your reference:
1, Has the other party reflected a problem with you many times?
2, What are the usual reasons for your quarrels?
3, Has the other party taken the initiative to contact you after the quarrel?
4, If you reconcile, do you think you will break up again for the same reason?
5, If you are rejected by the other party, what will you do next?
If when two people are together, you are integrated into each other's lives, then in the face of conflict, every detail is worth your vigilance.
5. High emotional value
Women who can flirt never make men feel embarrassed and cold, and can continue to provide emotional value. They will not be so rigid in their chat, gentle and not overly conservative, straightforward and not too sharp. Sustained and stable emotional value can be exchanged for continuous stability to ask for emotional value from the other party, and this mutual process is a process of emotional investment.
Men will think of being with this woman always laughing, every time they encounter something unhappy, they will think of this laughter, every time they think of it is a reinforcement, this reinforcement is an investment in women's emotions, the more investment, the higher the cost of withdrawal, it is difficult to leave this woman.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" >if you encounter an emotional crisis, how can you get it back?" </h1>
I often say that arguing or breaking up is not a bad thing, this is a process of problem outbreak, and the more people argue about feelings, the better, because the problem can only be solved if it is fully exposed. If you can't see through the problem between you, it is just that when you quarrel, the other party will mercilessly point out all your problems, and then you can list an overview of the problem on a piece of paper based on your recollection. Like what
1, the other party thinks that I am not seeking to be motivated
2, the other party thinks that I am too close to the opposite sex
3, the other party thinks that I am not mature and stable enough to give him a stable future
4, the other party feels that the two of us are not suitable personalities, and there is always friction
5, the other party feels that there is a lack of passion between us
6, the other party thinks that I am giving too little and cannot give him a sense of security
Once these questions are listed, you have a rough strategy for action. For example, if the other party thinks that you are not seeking to be motivated, the direction of your redemption is to give the other party a self-motivated expectation, rather than blindly investing in the other party, buying things to accompany him, and so on, which cannot solve the fundamental problem that he thinks you are not motivated. And if the other party thinks that you are giving too little and have insufficient sense of security, it is useless for you to use your career status or invest money to attract him, so can you understand? Sort out the problem first, and then sit in the right seat, in order to solve the root cause.
During this time, you can't break the connection, you can maintain weak contact with the other party, what does that mean? For example, before the breakup, you are in contact with the video phone at any time every day, and it is advisable to contact once every 2 to 3 days after the breakup, and the content should not mention the redemption, which can be some concerned information, the sharing of interesting facts and so on.
At the same time, it is necessary to carry out a positive circle of friends construction, the circle of friends can send selfies, party photos, learning content, etc., can not send feelings related to the "how painful it is to leave you and me", do not show and publicize their negative emotions on the public platform, can only show their positive emotional value, the frequency is also two to three days a day.
The other party will definitely pay attention to your circle of friends, if he gives you likes from time to time, then the interaction of the circle of friends is also an aspect of your weak connection, proving that the other party is constantly paying attention to you. Pay attention, do not like the other party you are ecstatic to go to private chat, you have to give both sides a time for emotional precipitation, wait for him to take the initiative to ask you "how is it recently, I see that your circle of friends is still very happy" and so on.
This weak connection is a way to maintain an emotional link with the other party, as long as your connection is continuous, your sense of existence will not be so easily reduced, and after his negative emotions about you come down from a peak, it is a different mood to see your dynamics.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" > and then guide the other person to demand you by affirming the value of the other party</h1>
For example, when I watched "The Predecessor Three" at that time, I always felt very sorry why Lin Jia and Meng Yunming loved each other but could not be together. Because none of them are willing to take the initiative.
When the conflict occurred, Lin Jia was actually looking forward to the other party to appear in front of him immediately to coax her to give her comfort, but she was too hard to say, so the other party felt that she did not need me for a long time, and the two people who could have been reunited missed again and again.
If Lin Jia could take the initiative to express her needs, the two people could establish an emotional connection again.
Love, is to say it out loud, being loved is a kind of value, the other party knows that they are always being loved, this is an affirmation of value.
How to correctly convey your own needs?
1. Learn to show weakness
2. Make a request
3. Take advantage of the other person's sense of indebtedness
4. Take the initiative to face the contradictions between the two sides and propose solutions
One of the hurdles that must be crossed in reconciliation is to face conflict. Don't keep your mouth shut, when nothing has happened.
According to the problems listed above, I believe that you have been able to find out the problems between you, then in your conflict, what are your original demands, what are your current thoughts, do not express your requirements, express your feelings, and tell him what you want to do next.
For example, if the reason for the breakup is that the other party thinks you are not mature enough, then if you want to send a message, that is, feeling + strategy + emotional leadership, you can say something like this:
If you feel unsure of the solution you think you have, you can turn to others to make sure it is a solution that the other party needs at the moment.
In fact, "flirting" is just a skill, in intimate relationships, you must be able to pry, in the plain love life, learn to touch each other can increase passion, in the emotional crisis, will also be suitable for redemption, if you can learn the above points, I believe you can be at ease in your emotional life.
Psychometric test: Test your probability of getting back together after a breakup
After the breakup, have you ever wondered how likely it is for two people to get back together? This set of test questions helps you test the probability of compounding after a breakup, so let's try it together
1. Do you still have your ex's contact information on your phone?
It is a score of 5
No, all 0 points removed
2. What was the reason for your breakup?
Objective reasons, the family does not agree 1 point
Long-distance relationships, no future 2 points
He thinks I have a bad temper and we don't have a proper personality for 3 points
Having a third party intervene in our feelings is 0 points
After we quarreled, neither of us wanted to bow our heads and break up in anger for 5 points
I think he has a bad temper, always complains, and is dumped by him for 6 points
3. The following four statements, if you have to choose one that you most agree with, which one will you choose
If one loves another person, one should love the whole of one's person, regardless of the advantages or disadvantages, otherwise it is not true love, at most it is like 2 points
Although the feelings are your love and my wishes, but the matter is man-made, the other party's love can also be controlled, as long as it can meet the psychological needs of the other party, love can be guided 4 points
Strong twisted melon is not sweet, if the TA does not want to compound, I respect the idea of TA 1 point
The emotional world can never be equal, and the person who wants to reunite must not hesitate to pay 6 points
4, in the expression of a thing, you pay more attention
Accuracy of speech is 2 points
Speaking gives the other person a strong impression of 1 point
Say the words around whether people feel comfortable 6 points
The ultimate goal that can be achieved by saying the words is 4 points
5) You consider yourself an emotionally basic trait
Emotionally severe, often unable to control their temper 0 points
Strong self-inhibition ability, calm on the surface, but the inner emotions fluctuate greatly, and once the bruise is difficult to calm down 2 points
Everything is a floating cloud, born not easy to get angry, friends are praised for the good temper 6 points
Feelings do not drag mud and water, more direct, but once unstable, easy to get excited and angry 3 points
6. Have you ever saved your ex?
Redeemed, but rejected, did not continue to save 4 points
No, I don't know what the other party thinks in their hearts, don't dare to open their mouths for 2 points
I have saved several times, the other party is very repulsive, black, do not want to see me again 0 points
Tentatively opened my mouth, but the other party thought we were inappropriate and hoped that I would find happiness 6 points
The full version of the test questions and answers are available by private message
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" > I'm a koi, an emotional counselor, without someone I can't analyze. If you have emotional confusion, you can consult private messages or comments. </h1>