Sometimes, it's really close to seeing your own world.
The fear of that truth makes it so difficult to breathe.
There is no ability and no self-confidence, no skill and no wise brain.
I was such a mediocre person, as if I really were a useless maggot.
After I met him and started a family, I had even less of a chance to show my talents.
Also, what talent do I have? Rather, I gave up countless possible opportunities for this.....
I worked as a real estate agent, when I was only 18 years old, with special passion and motivation, never afraid of failure, but also more and more courageous.
At that time, I didn't feel that this job was inferior, I just thought it was challenging, and my life was full of countless possibilities.
Later, he also went to Zhanjiang and Hangzhou, or returned to his old business, and he stumbled to the end on this road. The result is only experience gained, no money.
There are also whimsical dreams, and there are also unrealistic ideas, but they still fall into the vortex of feelings without learning to love themselves.
Maybe I am lonely, lack of love, and have no bottom line, so that emotions occupy my whole world, including my dreams and future, and I am shielded layer by layer.
I'm really a failure! Really useless! I have never had the courage to admit my vanity and materialism, not the courage to face a poor life, and even thought about the road of no return.
But my cowardice and incompetence stopped me. I want to make money and get rich, but my introversion and stupidity make me unable to do things, and I didn't think about turning over by marriage, but it just so happened.
I don't know how to love and can't love, when I meet the opposite sex, I have even less intelligence. In love, I always want to pay for others, find my own sense of value, and always want to get the love and warmth of others because of this.
But before I could face the feelings of true love, I was already devastated. I was inferior, I wasn't confident, I was masochistic, I did a lot of stupid things, and in the end I only touched myself.
Those things that move me are not great or useful, but I am sentimental, and I live in the drama, in the idol drama, in the romance drama, and I can't extricate myself.
I'm afraid to leave because it takes a long time to heal to give up on someone. In addition to emotional reluctance, there is also the cruelty of life.
It turned out that I was afraid that I would fall to the bottom, my pride and heart were no longer equal to my origins, and I did not have the courage and did not want to fall from a high place to the end.
That's why I don't fit in with the world. Because of this, others are my whole world. Only my spiritual world is my own.
In the spiritual world, I can dream, I can imagine, I can move freely in vain, I can relieve the impetuousness and dissatisfaction of real life, and everything I think can be expressed in words.
I'm not afraid of ugliness because I know I'm a clown. Even I would not mind giving ugliness, only because of this goddamn dedication that I put my dignity and conservatism on hold.
Finally, the more I lived, the more I failed, and when I dissected my own psychological problems, my heart was particularly blocked, I knew what the problem was, but I was powerless to change, or I was lazy to change.
That's it, I'm just so broken.
I'm sorry I didn't live the way I wanted to.
A life without hard work is not so strong.
Dissecting yourself little by little is like taking a knife and cutting through an old scar...
And I know that I will still forget the pain, and then continue to do my own thing, hopelessly...
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