In life, do you often hear your partner say these words:
"You can't even do such a simple thing?"
"What else would you do besides eat and sleep?"
"You don't understand anything, don't mix it up!"
"All right, I get it!"
"You can't do it at all!"
Do these words that do everything in their power to deny you penetrate your heart like bayonets?
What's even more frightening is that in intimate relationships, if you are in such a negative blow for a long time, you are likely to default the other party's words to the truth, and then begin to enter self-denial.
Xiaobian once received such a message in the background:
“
Before marriage, I was a very cheerful and confident person, but after getting married, my husband always hit me, even demeaned, and said that I was worthless. At first I would fight back, but then I couldn't help but wonder if I was really like my husband said. Now I am more and more inferior, and I feel that I can't do anything well.
”
Every time I see a similar message, I feel very sad.
As the saying goes: "There is a dragon spring on the tongue, and there is no blood in the killing." ”
Language is a double-edged sword, well spoken, can make people feel like a spring breeze, close to each other.
Conversely, it can also directly destroy a person, or ruin a relationship.
In intimate relationships, the way language is expressed is particularly important.
In the process of communicating with our partners, we should give each other more affirmations and praises, so that love can flow between each other.
The "export hurts" model makes the relationship slowly freeze
So, do you wonder, "Why is it that before marriage, he always talks sweetly, but after marriage, he becomes so hurtful?" ”
There are generally three possible reasons:
1. There is a problem with the communication posture.
In fact, there is a problem with the method of communication, which is inseparable from the original family, perhaps from childhood parents are such a way of communication or because when getting along with parents, parents usually take the way of accusation and depreciation, so it leads to only this kind of communication when they grow up, that is, accusatory.
2. Lack of self-confidence and lack of security.
Children who grow up in an accusatory and hitting environment are prone to lack of self-confidence and security, often feel that they have no value, when they feel that their partner is stronger than themselves, this time their inner insecurity will be more intense, so they unconsciously form a competitive relationship with their partners, by degrading and suppressing each other, they want to prove that they are valuable, so that they can preserve their sense of security.
3. Lack of ability to express needs.
For example, the father finds that the child does not listen to his own words, will be very frustrated, so he blames the wife and says: "How do you educate the child, now so rebellious." ”
But his real need is actually: "My son does not listen to me, I feel very defeated, wife, can you help me and let my son listen to me." ”
But he doesn't express it that way, and it makes him feel like he has no sense of worth, and it also involves his self-confidence and security.
In fact, there are many reasons why partners habitually communicate in a percussive language, and they will not be developed here.
The most important thing today is that Xiaobian would like to share with you, when you encounter the verbal blow of the other half in your intimate relationship, what to do?
1
Maintain your self-confidence
People are actually very susceptible to outside influences, it may be your parents, your girlfriends, anyone close to you.
These people's words are extremely influential, and their inadvertent words may affect you, especially your partner and your closest person, at this time you need to practice this ability not to be affected, ask yourself inside:
Do I really care?
Is this someone else's statement, or is it your own true feeling?
Am I that bad?
Did what I did really not produce a little good effect?
By asking yourself about the inside of that moment, pulling out and becoming aware of your true feelings, the response is more real and rational.
This is more effective in maintaining your self-confidence, not getting lost in the words of others, and having your own standards of persistence and judgment.
2
Understand the other person's true motivations
Sometimes, your partner may hit you in this way to motivate you to become better, or it may be to hit you in search of your own security.
Once a friend and editor said: "My boyfriend always said that the clothes I wore were ugly. I don't understand why he always hits me? Then I couldn't stand it, so I asked him why he always said that about me."
As a result, his boyfriend was shocked and said, "Honey, why do you think that?" I'm not hitting you, I just think it would be better for you to wear something more formal at work, but most of your clothes are cute styles, I thought I said your clothes are ugly, you will change your dressing style. ”
Hearing this, my friend has understood that the boyfriend is actually for her own good, not a blow she understands.
Therefore, when we don't know what the purpose of the other party's blow is, we can communicate with the other party to understand the real feelings that the other party wants to express, or how it will feel to you from the perspective of the other party.
This will help us to understand the real motivation of the other party faster and clearer.
3
Let your partner truly understand himself
If your significant other is always oppressing you, really ask a soul-torturing question: "Did you really give him a chance to get to know you?" Learn about your state, your emotions, your vulnerabilities, your need for him, and so on. ”
In intimate relationships, Xiaobian found that many people do not understand themselves, but hope that their partners can understand themselves and tolerate themselves. But you know what?
You are the one who should know yourself best, and when you know how to express yourself and believe in yourself, you can better let others know you.
Recognize your true feelings, the emotions of the moment, and then express them,
Tell the other person directly about your needs.
Tell each other frankly: I really need you to give me some affirmation and encouragement in my heart, I hope you can understand me, and I am willing to work with you to find a way to solve the problem together.
Marriage is a community, and it will get better and better to support each other, honor and disgrace in the relationship.
If you're the partner of that verbal blow, you need to learn and grow even more.
After all, blindly attacking and blaming each other, such a relationship is difficult to maintain.
If you are hit by the one, then you need to see the problem yourself, and you need to take the ta to see the problem, and then grow together, and finally achieve each other.
I hope you can successfully solve the problem in front of you, let each other better communicate and communicate, and cheer up!