We are accustomed to treating children with exchanges and threats
A person's inner energy comes from love, unconditional love, which can bring trust, respect and security to children. But it does not mean coddling, it is a technical job to really establish unconditional love, and we have to learn to fight against two things, one is called exchange, the other is called threat. This passage, I really hope that my second sister can see and learn. My nephew often made my sister angry, and she got angry, beat her everywhere except her head, and sometimes threw her son out, let him stay outside, and didn't let him in the door. Now that everything is over, the child feels that it does not matter, but you must know that these injuries have entered his hormone level, and when you use this violent method to treat the child, you must be able to see that the child is hysterical when he cries, and once he makes a fuss, he will shout because his hormone level is high. In the process of constantly fighting with his parents, his hormone levels are already higher than others, so he is in a state of insecurity.
In fact, when a parent treats the child with a threatening method, the child is constantly learning from the parents, the child is a copy of the parent, so before puberty, how simple and rough your way of treating the child is, how easy it is to get him, you will harvest a cruel adolescence. Because he is learning from you, learning all your ways of dealing with problems. In adolescence, apply everything you have learned from you to you first.
The habit of using exchange and threat education methods will make children regressive in the learning and social exercises that they should be engaged in. Why? If learning isn't a particularly bad thing, why would you want to swap bikes with me. Many parents like to exchange with their children, and if you score 100 points this time, I will buy you a bicycle. It is that many parents form a habit that no matter what the child wants, then you give me a few places, you always use this exchange method to communicate with the child, and finally the child will not feel the pleasure of learning anything, which is the temptation of exchange and threat. When the love in his heart is destroyed, he never feels that his parents love him unconditionally, the child is very clear, if I am not obedient, my parents will not love me, the grades are not good, the parents do not love me, the parents love is obedient and achievements, can not establish unconditional love, the child is insecure, insecurity will lead to him spending a lifetime to seek security, or pay a lot of price in order to pursue security. Many college students are willing to find an iron rice bowl that pays thousands of dollars just after graduation, rather than doing challenging and creative work, because the iron rice bowl can give him a sense of security. That's why we say unconditional love is so important.
Unconditional love is criticizable, gentle but with boundaries.
Unconditional love is not to say anything, to do anything, this is not called love, this is called neglect. That is, the child is doing something wrong, someone must point it out, to correct him, which will bring a sense of security to the child. But unconditional love does not mean coddling, but also to use the right method to criticize the child, but pay attention to before criticizing him, you must first clarify unconditional love, because mom and dad love you, so I want to tell you why you do this, because mom and dad are the most concerned about you, so to stop you from doing such things, you can tell him very harshly, after talking, tell him that although mom and dad criticized you today, mom and dad always love you. You constantly emphasize this matter, so that he can know that my parents have made suggestions to me and criticized me for my own good.
I have met many parents like to correct the child's behavior in public, but the more corrected he is, the more he does not listen, in essence, this child is constantly testing your bottom line, he feels that you do not love him, do not like him, then I am naughty, do it again, and then look at your reaction, the result is to be beaten, and finally the child concludes, you see, it is indeed not loved and then repaired. It's a process of constantly testing your bottom line, then being disappointed and sad, beating up and then returning to normal. The child is not sure if you love him or not, and has put a lot of effort into this matter.
Once the eldest sister took her five-year-old daughter out to play, the child was too excited to scream in public, my eldest sister only made a "boo" gesture, the child immediately quieted down, no crying and no scolding. You want your child to never suspect that mom and dad won't love him, so when mom and dad say it's not good, then he will definitely consider and seriously think about mom and dad's opinion. So this is when you have an unconditional loving relationship with your child, what you say will be useful and effective in the child. Otherwise it's a game relationship between you. When unconditional love is destroyed, the cause of the church becomes more difficult.
Establishing unconditional love is a lesson from small to large, the easiest is before the child is three years old, and before the age of three is the most important time point to help children establish values and establish behavioral habits.