Are you still single?
In the United States, 1 in 7 adults choose to live alone; in Sweden, the proportion of people living alone is the highest in the world; in Japan, more than 74% of young people in their 20s are not in love...
What about in China? The number of single men and women is close to 200 million.
American sociologist Eric Creanenberg declared in his treatise "Single Society" that celibacy and non-marriage are becoming a global trend and surging forward.
On Zhihu Network, the topic of "older leftover women" has a total of more than 40,000 people paying attention, with a total of nearly 80 million views...
Leftover women seem to have become a topic of anxiety, and this anxiety does not only exist in the country, but also women on the other side of the distant ocean...
If you're a woman over the age of 30, you may gradually find that things are not good, and the people around you don't seem to care about what you achieve at work, they only care about your marital status.
As the photographer Mariona said, do you know that there is a "man shortage" in some places? There, if a woman doesn't have a partner, she'll be called a "leftover woman," a rather off-the-cuff title like a stigma that single women can't get rid of.
The inspiration that prompted her to make the documentary came from an idea she had a few years ago, "When I think of being single, I feel sad but I don't know what's going on, and I realize there's something wrong." ”
"Actually, I'm angry at people worrying that I'm still single because I thought: 'Why?'" she said. I'm already happy and have a life I can choose from. ”
She has been single for 3 years and at every house gathering someone asks "Did you find that person?" In the past, her reaction would be a little shy, saying "No, no one", but now, she can say, "It doesn't matter whether I am single or not, I am happy and my life is full." ”
The ratio of men to women in Australia is very uneven, one-third of women aged 30-40 are single, and an average of 5 single women to "compete" with 1 single male... (After reading this data, whether the majority of domestic bachelors plan to go to Australia)
Gibson, 30, was a former chef and now in the comics industry
Mariona agrees that there is nothing surprising about the phenomenon of singleness, she feels that women are now more independent in their economic status than ever before, but the quality of individual male partners has not improved.
She said, "I also met a lot of male 'giant babies' and so-called 'scumbags' when I was dating. Modern women's attitude towards marriage is 'unwilling to settle', since the quality of men around them is not high, it is better to be a noble and cold single queen. ”
Such a phenomenon still exists in the country. Someone once said, "The main contradiction in the current marriage in our country is essentially the contradiction between the growing material and spiritual ability of women and the backward self-cognitive ability of men." ”
The term "giant baby boy" is popular among women, and psychologist Ruimin once lamented: "Postpartum depression and giant baby boy are the two major killers that plague modern women." ”
According to the Chinese Association of Psychiatrists, the proportion of Chinese women suffering from postpartum depressive symptoms is as high as 50%-70%, and more than 10% of people will develop severe depression if not well cared for. An important factor in this is the bad social culture caused by China's preference for sons over daughters, and many men, even when they reach the age of marriage, are psychologically like babies and do not know what to give to their wives and families as fathers.
"The characteristics of all-powerful narcissism are unique to 6-month-old babies, and when the mother does not coax or hold, the baby will tear her heart and lungs and cry. In the world of giant babies, as long as they have needs, parents or friends must immediately ignore the feelings of others in front of themselves. ”
"If I don't get married this year, my mom will say I can't live with her again."
The phrase comes from Yang, 35, a successful female lawyer working in Shanghai and the only female director of their company.
However, her career is successful, and her biggest worry at present is that she will not have a boyfriend to take home to see her parents when she comes home for the New Year.
Objectively speaking, in terms of living standards, Yang has his own independent economic resources, and has a good higher education, even if he is single, he is quite comfortable. Because her father died, living with her in order to take care of her mother should have been an act of filial piety, but she still had to be "disliked" by her mother and had not yet found her partner.
"In China, if you are over 30 years old and have not yet had a clear relationship or are not yet married, you will be labeled a 'leftover woman' by social opinion."
There are many women in the same situation as Yang, such as another Shanghai woman, Shu (Shu), a 34-year-old entrepreneur with her own brand of imported cosmetics, who has lived in Paris for many years and found it difficult to communicate with Chinese men after returning to China.
But she also longs for love, and her biggest anxiety is to "prove" in front of her family that she is currently single as the right choice, and this anxiety has reached a flashpoint.
A phenomenon was also mentioned: in China, in order to cope with the "concern" of parents and relatives during the New Year's Holiday, single women would rent their fake boyfriends to their homes.
Once a "Marriage Market Takeover" documentary that resonated strongly with tens of thousands of women, the film recorded the inner story of a group of chinese single women, who felt the pressure of the whole society, they were urged to marry, forced to marry, and were put in the blind date corner as a commodity to "sell and sell".
This short frequency also alarmed many international media, and even the BBC News Network reprinted it. A quote from Leftover Women: The Resurgence of Gender Inequality in China, "The anxiety and oppression caused by leftover women is widespread in Chinese society, and this problem stems in part from the gender imbalance caused by population policies." ”
At that time, this short film also caused countless foreign netizens to complain:
By American standards, they're still very young!! soisois0: The world doesn't owe them anything, and they don't owe the world anything. cents or sense: Instead of finding something that doesn't fit, it's better to go it alone... Finding the other half is actually the process of knowing yourself. NED STARK42: In fact, women in China are worth more than men in the marriage market because of the gender imbalance caused by China's family planning policy. Talus McGregor: The single (most reasonable) reason is that we don't want to get married yet, and no one has ever died because they don't want to get married. DM962: My parents advised me that way, but I soon found my true love. Parents' ideas come from their ancient view of history and are simply not realistic. No one should be a leftover woman.
"After my father's death, many people wanted another man to take care of me, except for my biological brother, who should be a husband."
Melek, 28, from Istanbul, is under pressure from relatives who want her to give up her single life and return to her hometown to settle down.
And in Barcelona, Manu, 40, is trying ivory ivory for the last time while single. A teacher working in Barcelona, she says she hates invitations from dating sites so much that she has decided to go to artificial insemination to become a single mom.
Ariadna said, "In Spain, although others don't call you 'leftover woman', you are actually treated like a 'leftover woman', you have to dress like a 'holy woman', you can't have too many flowers." ”
They also identified a key problem that exists in all cultures: "inheritance," which actually contains two layers of information: one that means that you can do it all alone (passing on your parents' genetic information), and the other implicitly means that as a woman, your life will only be fulfilled after you have a family and a long-term partner.
Finally, an interesting phenomenon was found, "In China and Turkey, single women feel great pressure, but at least they will know where the pressure is coming from." But in Spain and Melbourne, if you feel lost because you're single, you must feel like you're 'crazy'
Is love and marriage really a big thing that everyone can't be absent in life?
In 2016, CCTV made a documentary that interviewed 100 couples for 425 days, and each episode had love stories about 3 girls from different backgrounds or 3 different couples.
In the documentary, everyone's reasons for choosing to be single are different.
For example, the Korean girl with very good external conditions has a cheerful personality and no shortage of suitors, and the reason for being single is that "no one can give her the necessary sense of security in love and marriage." ”
There are also wrestlers who have repeatedly taken the initiative to confess but still failed, because of their obesity in appearance, they have been rejected by many marriages. She is the epitome of many women's contradictions about the "appearance association", while she desperately loses weight, she also thinks that after she loses weight, the person who falls in love with herself is "not true love".
A highly educated female postdoc is jokingly called a "third type of person" besides men and women, and her choice of marriage partner tends to be more capable of the opposite sex than herself.
The era of "door to door" is gradually fading away, and today, in free love, everyone has a standard for choosing a partner in their hearts, rather than unconditionally obeying the pressure brought by society and family into marriage.
Young couples who pursue romance rent a wedding room, and the 300,000 yuan saved in their hands is all used for the wedding.
In the Hmong tradition, the wedding in the village is not only a witness for two people, but also a carnival for the whole people, who cook hot dishes and salute each other with wine representing blessings.
According to a survey, the biggest factor influencing young people's marriage is ultimately love.
"The older generation often says that it is irresponsible for the younger generation not to marry, but in fact, we choose not to marry in order to find the right people more responsibly." Some single netizens said.
There is a line in the movie "The Leftovers Are King": "Some people don't drink milk, some people don't eat starch, some people don't wear furs, and some people don't fall in love." "
Sometimes it's not how high our vision is, how much we prefer to be lacking, but we firmly believe that there will be that warm person who will take your hand to see the most prosaic scenery in the world.
Understand that you will come, so have been waiting.
Not getting married, not really not getting married, just wanting to wait until you and get married again.
As Li Jian sang in "I Wish People For a Long Time", "I can't be too demanding, can't be too free, and go with the flow, but I pursue a sincere hand-holding, I want people to be long-lasting." ”
For a long time in the past, the term "older leftover women" was a headache for Ji Yun.
Twenty-nine years old, just one step away from the thirty-year mark, when she came home every holiday, she was either nagging and nagging at her parents to find a partner, or the girlfriend group around her was half joking and half concerned about her life events.
It's just that when this girl deals with the problem of feelings, even if she grows older, she has always been in a state where everyone is drunk and awake.
In fact, she also had two not very long relationships, but after the peaceful breakup, she has been empty, and occasionally when she has to come out to meet me, she will also joke with me with a funny face: "I estimate that in everyone's eyes, it is already "the sky is left". However, I, the "Great Leftover of the Heavens", must also wait until the "Supreme Treasure" that belongs to me steps on the colorful clouds to pick me up. ”
When Ji Yun is working, she is definitely a "desperate three brides"," and her performance and reputation in the industry are first-class.
In her spare time after work, she will be like Holly in "Breakfast at Tiffany", she will dress herself beautifully, wear a beautiful little dress, wear beautiful jewelry, and slowly eat breakfast in a very emotional restaurant.
On the weekend, put two or three posters on the desk, practice your favorite font; after work, turn over the digest, turn over the magazine, write ideas, write feelings; or just go to the supermarket alone, carefully pick fresh fruit, and then choose a favorite, skin-friendly clothes. When encountering a long holiday, I will also invite a few close friends to go out with the crazy play in the south of the sea.
No matter how anxious the people around her are, she is not in a hurry to live her own small life, and the small life is taken care of warmly and textured.
The breeze of spring, the shade of summer, the yellow leaves of autumn, the frost and snow of winter, the calendar has been counted, and everything has been dyed with the colors of the four seasons. But her heart is always abundant, and a person's life can be full of hope and beautiful imagination space.
The heart of this "old girl" in the eyes of everyone is a rich and interesting soul. She lived her life so brightly that I, a veteran who had been struggling with the siege for years, was envious, and I really couldn't think of anything to worry about when she was only 29 years old and had anything to worry about in marriage.
I often meet a lot of "little fresh meat" and "little girls" who are thirty-seven or eight years old and even running in their forties. Once I met a girl who went out on a trip alone, and the person was particularly cheerful. Dressed up very delicately. (In the eyes of Hong Kongers, no matter how old a woman is, she must be called a sister to show that she is still young.) ）
The Hong Kong sister told me during a small talk with me that she had three big dogs at home, and that she usually stayed with her, and now that she had been out for a few days, she felt very concerned about them.
As a young man, I was stupid enough to ask her, "What about your boyfriend?" Why didn't he travel with you? She told me seriously: "Now I have three of them in my life, they are cute, at least for the time being, I love them more than anything." 」 As for my boyfriend friends, they are waiting with me, and maybe one day the person who belongs to me will come on a white horse. ”
I left with an O-shaped mouth satisfied, and the Hong Kong sister completely refreshed my understanding of men and dogs.
When I traveled a lot, read a lot of books, met a lot of different people, many, many years later, I understood.
I'm willing to smile at them, to hug them, to even give them affection, we love a dog, or any animal, we love it as it is, we don't want to change it, and we don't need anything in return. This kind of love is particularly relaxing and full of security.
"If I love you, and you happen to love me." When your hair is messed up, I will smile and pluck it for you, and then, my hand will stay on your hair for a few more seconds. But if I love you and you don't coincidentally love me. Your hair is messy, I will only gently tell you that your hair is messy. ”
And one day, when we love a man deeply, you will not be afraid of losing, nor will you have to worry about being taken away one day. And it is always by your side when you need him most, making you feel as satisfied as having the whole world.
Only with such feelings can I willingly wait, waiting for the right person who does not need me to desperately please.
Some time ago, Lin Xinru and Huo Jianhua got married and soon gave birth to a beautiful child, and the ten-year best friend of the lovers became the love of this life. Below the relevant news, there was suddenly more criticism, and some young girl fans who were just right rushed out, saying that she was old and that she was not worthy of Huo Jianhua.
Indeed, in the eyes of the world, a forty-year-old woman is already a half-old Xu Niang, how can you snatch away the male god in everyone's mind with this wind and candle-shattering posture?
In the three sisters of "Huan Zhu", Lin Xinru is always the lowest key, over the years, she is not as popular as Zhao Wei and Fan Bingbing, but there will never be less news about her in the entertainment industry, she has a good personality, she is strong but not strong, when the three of them are together, they are inevitably compared, but she usually sends off a joke, smiling eyes bent, laughing deep circle, easily digesting all the mustard.
Calm in her heart, she will not feel wandering and confused all the time, nor will she open her teeth and claws in the face of difficulties, her face will be vicious, and she will know how to cultivate her mind when she is idle, and she will know how to be quiet when she is noisy.
Time has passed, more than ten years have passed, she has always been like a rose, trying to rely on her own strength in the entertainment industry, there are not many traces of age on her body, and some are a kind of beauty that cannot be ignored after the baptism of time and the success of her career after hard work.
Huo Jianhua was asked in an interview what the girl he liked looked like, and he replied: "We must be very confident in ourselves, we must be very happy, and we must be very simple in doing what we like to do." Looking back now, isn't it just describing Lin Xinru?
Mr. Shen Congwen said, "I knew you would come, so I waited." ”
This forty-year-old "girl" married the right person she had been waiting for for nearly forty years at the wedding that was watching everyone in a non-hurried manner.
I suddenly remembered that in that long time, in the early spring when the wind and sun were beautiful and the fragrance was fragrant, Yang Dai met Qian Zhongshu at the door of the Ancient Moon Hall of Tsinghua University.
Qian Zhongshu, who fell in love with Yang Dai at first sight, eagerly clarified: "The outside world says that I am engaged, this is not a fact, please don't believe it." ”
Yang Dai also took the opportunity to explain: "It is rumored that there are as many boys who pursue me as many as 'seventy-two' disciples of Confucius, and some people say that Fei Xiaotong is my boyfriend, which is not true. ”
Later, when Yang Dai was reading a British biographer describing the most ideal marriage: "Before meeting her, I never thought of getting married, married her for decades, never regretted marrying her, and never thought of marrying another woman." ”
When Yang Dai read this, he felt very good, so he read it to Qian Zhongshu who was beside him, and Qian Zhongshu listened and said, "I'm just like him." ”
Yang Dai then replied, "Me too." ”
I think that everyone pursues material pleasures all their lives, but also longs to find a companion who is as old and loyal as Yang Dai and Qian Lao.
Some people say that meeting the right person is not a strong emotion, but a long-term peace of mind. Liang Shiqiu said: "You go, I will not send you." You come, no matter how windy and rainy it is, I'm going to pick you up. ”
But you know, "he won't go," and no matter how depressed and untrimmed you are, he won't go either. You don't have to pretend to be so good, how cute, he likes the most natural way you are now.
In this world, there are thousands of women who are waiting for love, and where there are any older leftover women, they are just waiting for the right person.
What is a leftover woman? The so-called leftover women are not married at the marriageable age and have been single.
What is a good leftover girl? My understanding is that the women who account for this "three highs" are excellent leftover women, respectively: high appearance, high education, high income, I don't know how many you account for?
In the past, whether men or women, if there were such good conditions, there was definitely an endless stream of door-to-door relatives, but now it is different, and now with the development of the times, young people's ideological concepts have also changed.
More and more young people, began to advocate independence, freedom, and look at those leftover women with good conditions, they would rather be absent than indiscriminate, not to be satisfied, and their vision is also very high (it varies from person to person, not representing all leftover women).
Think about it carefully, women have such good conditions, have a car and a house, and are economically independent, if the score is standard, the excellent leftover woman is 60 points, then find an excellent man with 70 points and 80 points to be a marriage partner, and there is nothing wrong with high vision.
After all, the woman's own conditions are there, it is impossible to find a man with no car and no house for 60 minutes, which makes relatives and friends not see jokes? Will doubt the woman's vision!
Afraid to be afraid, women themselves are not good enough, is 30 points want to find a man with more than 60 points, and then start to pick and choose, this is left.
Finally, I went around a circle, found that I couldn't find the right one, and I was older, so I recognized the reality and lowered my requirements, but often at this time, men began to not accept leftover women who were older, and some men preferred to marry divorced women rather than older leftover women.
Moreover, the more excellent the older leftover women, the more difficult it is to find the right object, especially in first-tier cities, the proportion of leftover women exceeds that of leftover men, some of whom hold the mentality of not marrying, some wait for the arrival of love in the same place, and some lower their requirements and do not marry out.
Sun Min is an older leftover girl, very good, she believes in fate this thing, if this life can not meet the right, then she would rather die alone.
It is worth mentioning that Sun Min graduated from college, she found a job corresponding to her profession, these years, Sun Min has also been busy with work, rarely talk about love, the reason why she does not talk about love, is that she is afraid of meeting scumbags again and being hurt again.
Her last boyfriend, falling in love with her is completely running for her money, do you think only women covet vanity? You are wrong, men are the same, men also eat soft rice, Sun Min's last boyfriend is running for her money.
Because he knows that Sun Min's salary is high, more than 10,000 a month, has a car and a house, or the only daughter in the family, he began to calculate Sun Min, during the love period, he often cried poor, used Sun Min's credit card to spend, but also a good name, in the future we are a family, regardless of you and me, wait for marriage I will give you every month's salary.
The words are very sweet, xu promises are also a lot, but none of them have been fulfilled, Sun Min also let him take his parents over, the two families met, his attitude is, not in a hurry, wait, now is not the time, just like this, constantly perfunctory Sun Min.
Sun Min finally couldn't help but propose to break up, completely saw through him, and when the breakup was overdrawn, the man also overspent Sun Min's credit card. After the breakup, Sun Min was sad for a long time, seeing that she was getting older, the family hoped that she could marry early, but she was not in a hurry at all, and she did not want to settle down.
She said: Everyone has the right to choose the lifestyle they want, can meet the right to be together, can not touch, really can not be in order to get married, do you know why the divorce rate and infidelity rate in recent years is so high? That is too many people, before marriage chose to settle, after marriage to divorce.
All in all, it's just that you haven't met the right person, and if so, it's better not to get married.