See through those false self-experiences
Even if we have loving parents, we still feel ashamed within us. Parents will impose this society's identification with achievements, images, pressures and struggles on their children, making them feel ashamed. When we are children, we develop self-confidence, boldness, and self-esteem to the extent that our nature is responded to by the outside world. This phenomenon occurs when we are young, we feel carefully cared for by our parents, every move is seen and heard by our parents, supported and guided by our parents, even if it is only a little budding, it will make our parents proud. But on the contrary, if we are thrown into a mold of incompatibility with nature and talent, if the expectations and projections of others are indiscriminately thrown at us, if our innate vitality is suppressed by guilt and bad feelings, if we feel that no one needs us, or that we are being treated harshly, then the basic core of our self-love, enthusiasm, spontaneity, and authenticity will be obscured by self-doubt, fear, insecurity, and self-destruction.
As time passes, our separation from our egos becomes more and more severe, and we become more and more deeply involved in becoming another person who is not like ourselves. It's hard to expect parents to set aside the values, stereotypes, expectations, and beliefs that they've been thinking about for years in order to actually see their children. They have so much fear, which is why 99% of children are humiliated and ashamed.
My father once told me a joke about a man who went to a tailor's shop to customize new clothes. The tailor helped him measure the size and asked him to come back next week. A week later, he went back to the tailor's shop to get his new outfit. When he tried it on in front of the mirror, he found that one sleeve and one trouser tube were too short, and the waistline was too large. He pointed out these conditions to the tailor, who looked in front of the mirror and said, "Actually, there is nothing wrong with this dress, it's just that you didn't wear it properly." You see, first of all your hands should be stretched out like this, and your legs should be stretched like this. Also, make your stomach bulge. Very well, you see it is very suitable now. "It is conceivable that this man left the tailor's shop limping in his new clothes. As he staggered down the street, two women passed him and they whispered, "Do you see that poor disabled man?" Oh my God, what a shame! "Yeah," the other man replied. What a shame. But have you noticed the beautiful dress he was wearing? ”
I didn't realize at the time that the story was about shame. Needless to say, my father didn't know either. We were all the men who walked into the tailor's shop, naïve and trustworthy. We all picked a piece of clothing that didn't fit and were sure we would try to wear it until it fit. We have also waddled down the streets, completely disconnected from our own energy, authentic feelings and sense of self. Standing in front of the mirror, we know in our hearts that this dress is not suitable for us, but the "tailor" is too authoritative, and we have lost the confidence to listen to the inner voice. In fact, when the shame gets heavier, most people stop listening to the voices deep inside.
What is shame?
Shame is basically a feeling of powerlessness that deeply feels wrong, not good enough, or incompetent. There's a great Australian movie, Muriel's Wedding, that talks about shame. Muriel's father kept telling her how "useless" she was. The father himself is not upright, and at the end of the film, he is arrested for embezzlement. Her mother married twice, to a man who had been unfaithful behind her back, and Muriel's siblings also had dysfunctional problems. Muriel, like any other girl, wants to be a popular and attractive girl, but all she gets is repeated humiliation.
In shame, we lose the ability to feel ourselves in a relaxed and accurate way, so that the inner feeling of returning to the center is replaced by a sense of emptiness. We lose contact with the living energy of life, can no longer believe in ourselves, and lose the ability to feel and express ourselves. This undercurrent of shame has always been hidden within us.
In the depths of my memory, my life is like walking on a tightrope, balancing on both sides, demanding efficiency, high achievement and non-success on the one hand, while the other side is overwhelmed by feelings of shame and incompetence. I allow myself to concentrate on my homework, work, and sports, but deep down in my mind there is always a feeling that I "must not be doing well." When I was young, I always wanted to be like my brother. He was a perfect child, and everyone in the whole family valued him, almost like a legendary hero in mythology. When I was a freshman in high school, he received an honorary fellowship from Harvard, and to paraphrase their provost, he was truly a "great laureate" who barely qualified for a bailout. In high school, he was the general convener of the school-wide club and the editor of the school magazine. By the time he graduated, he had won almost all the awards, with only one missing. As I sat in the audience, I felt a torn, contradictory pain, mixed with a sense of honor and self-shame in comparison.
Naturally, I tried to be a good student in school and set my goal of getting into Harvard. To this day, I still think I got into Harvard because my brother impressed the provost when he did an interview with the provost. He told my brother, "If he can be half as good as you, we'll get him in." That's why I think "I'm only half as good." Now I know that it is my inner voice of shame that speaks. Throughout my college career, I still compared myself with my brother, until the last year, and began to change. At the graduation ceremony, the provost handed me my diploma and asked me what I planned to do afterwards. My family was shocked because I said "I don't know".
Shame brings —
When there is shame in our hearts, we oscillate between feeling great and bad feelings. In life, we feel great when others approve, approve, succeed, or accept us; but when we suffer failures, rejections, and lack of respect and appreciation, we feel bad about ourselves. Our sense of self depends on the heap of external circumstances, believing that if we receive the recognition, love, respect, approval, fame, wealth, or long-awaited acceptance we desire, life will be much better and shame will automatically disappear. We have always tried to prove our self-worth, not realizing that there is another way of life, and not realizing that the methods that try to make ourselves better are actually asking for fish.
In fact, shame is a very common phenomenon. Most of us look in the mirror and immediately face our own shame. Shame brings voices of aggression, criticism, condemnation, and judgment, such as "You're old, not pretty enough, too boring, too fat, too thin..." Whatever the voice is saying, our first impression of ourselves when we look in the mirror is usually criticism. We may want to modify what we see, but we know that it is impossible to hide it. Everyone has something that they feel particularly ashamed of, and the degree of shame is different, but it is all shame. The point is whether we choose to heal it or continue to try to avoid it, to cover it up, to deny it. Many times, we always try our best to avoid feeling uneasy or showing insecurity. Ask yourself to be full of energy, be successful, and win the approval of others. We sell ourselves for self-esteem, approval, and approval. When we don't feel that we are alive and vibrant, full of self-confidence, we are ashamed inside. But being with shame is more valuable than pushing it away or ignoring it.
to be continued
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Love and Light are with us