Girls are getting better and better, but the plight of girls has never been eliminated. Excessive self-blame is hurting girls, and the perfect template for studying, living, and socializing is pushing girls into the abyss.
How to make girls strong and free to live their own lives is an unavoidable issue in contemporary parenting.
In recent years, we have often discussed the "boy crisis" with anxiety, believing that in the contemporary education track, more and more "girls are rising and boys are falling behind", resulting in the phenomenon of strong women and weak men becoming more and more prominent.
United States' Business Week even asserted -
"The 'boy crisis' is a global crisis. Girls seem to have built a Roman empire in their studies, while boys are declining like ancient Greece. ”
But a new study in 2024 points out -
The plight of girls has never been eliminated and has even intensified.
We still have a long way to go in dismantling gender stereotypes and nurturing a confident next generation.
Perfect Girl Template,
is pushing the girl into the abyss
The study counted more than 61,000 parents and their children aged 5 to 12 in 36 countries. The results showed that most girls between the ages of 5 and 12 felt more social pressure than boys. [1]
More than three-fifths of girls feel pressured by society's quest for perfection, and two-thirds are often reluctant to share their thoughts because of concerns.
More than three-quarters of parents are also aware of this phenomenon, with girls being pressured to be perfect and more likely than boys to hesitate to come up with ideas.
It can be seen that pressure is the same feeling of most girls.
👆 Picture丨Mocking lady
Although with the improvement of women's economic and social status, the equality between men and women in the new era has become a consensus, and girls seem to be treated more fairly and equally. But it is precisely "equality" that is not easy to come by, so the mentality of "everything is possible" spurs girls not to relax, and demand that they do their best everywhere and strive to be better than boys.
The subconscious fear of backwardness makes them tremble, believing that only by running non-stop can they achieve absolute superiority on the track of life.
Susan ·, professor emeritus of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University, once "avenged" the girls——
"Today's women are under double pressure to succeed in education and the workplace according to the traditional male standards of success, and they must also succeed according to the traditional female standards of beauty, not to mention the mother's standards."
The double standard means that the girl must be perfect.
When she was a child, she had to be diligent and studious, with excellent grades, but also well-behaved and sensible, and loved by everyone; When she grew up, she had outstanding ability and generosity at work, but also had to go to the hall, go to the kitchen, take care of the children, coax her in-laws, serve her husband, tutor her homework, and increase her worthiness.
👆 Picture丨The goddesses who have lost their names
In this regard, Courtney · Martin, the author of "Perfect Girl, Hungry Daughter", said -
"Girls grow up being told [they can be anyone], but they are also told [they have to do everything]."
Unreasonably high demands trap the girls in "perfectionism" and push themselves step by step into the abyss of anxiety and self-destruction.
👆图丨MotherGame
Why do girls always feel stressed?
Girls feel less confident and stressed, which becomes more pronounced with age.
A 2017 United States survey of 12,000 girls in grades 5 to 12 showed that the number of girls who considered themselves "confident" fell by more than 25 percent throughout middle school, reaching its lowest point in ninth grade. [2]
With the advent of puberty, girls begin to lose some of their advantages, their former excellent academic performance begins to decline, and they are becoming more and more unable to exert themselves in some subjects. Lack of confidence in appearance and figure, handling of interpersonal relationships, sensitive and delicate psychology, and the hormonal influence of agolescent restlessness make them doubt themselves and anxiety more and more enveloped their hearts.
1. Ingrained gender stereotypes
No matter how much we emphasize equality between men and women, gender stereotypes are still the shackles that bind girls' growth.
We don't expect a boy to be quiet, polite, conservative, and well-behaved, but if a girl can't appear in this kind of expected image, the public will point fingers and find faults. When faced with a mischievous, active, adventurous, challenging, and creative boy, we will smile and accept it, but if it is a girl, we will be scoffed.
If you take a walk around the children's toy section of the mall, you will find that gender bias is still deeply embedded in the initiation toys of children's gender roles.
Cars, Lego, balls, and sports equipment, such actively operated and created toys, belong to boys; Plush dolls, Barbie dolls, kitchen utensils, jewelry, clothing, etc., such passive accessories and household toys, belong to girls.
Boys are to wear blue
Girls are going to wear pink
The boy has to play with guns, knives, and walks
The girl has to hold the doll well-behaved, cute, sweet and cute
Boys have to be brave enough to protect girls
Girls are weak and need protection
Boys are suitable for studying mathematics, physics and chemistry
Girls are better at piano, chess, calligraphy and painting
Boys are suitable for fighting in all directions and bravely entering the world
It is best for girls to stay at home and raise their children
There is no explicit provision, but the division of "men and women" has become a conventional invisible norm in society.
Even the words "sissy", "pseudo-girl", "sissy", and "sissy", which we often use to ridicule boys' soft personalities, and "female men", which ridicule girls' resolute personalities, are all offensive words with strong sexist overtones, classifying tough traits such as "strong" and "independent" as masculine and stigmatizing women.
This invisible rule of society frames not only girls but also boys.
2. Live in the shadow of the "perfect companion" of social media
Compared to men, women are more likely to feel anxious about their body shape and appearance.
With the popularity of social media, and the increasingly brutal body evaluation, the girls' success rules have been forced to escalate into a "both inside and out" Perfect Girl 2.0 competition.
👆 Figure丨Followers
Compared with boys who are mostly addicted to games online, girls are more keen on Xiaohongshu, Weibo, Moments, and short videos.
The girl's social network is always meticulously crafted, striving to show her "perfect" side -
When studying in the library, the spread out books must be accompanied by a cup of coffee, highlighting the studious and literary character;
On the track of getting up early to exercise, the focus is on sunny, smiling selfies, highlighting your healthy and positive state;
Friends gathering, glamorous scenes, dripping food, and the excitement of calling friends, showing their gregarious and rich extracurricular life;
The circle of friends who said good night before going to bed did not forget to take a photo of Po who seemed to have sleepy eyes, but his hair was messy and soft.
Taking pictures, retouching, filtering, and editing have become essential skills for Internet girls to have a good time.
Just to show in front of people that learning is easy, life is colorful, and the state of exquisite and moving from the inside out.
In his spare time, he constantly refreshes social software, dives and spies on the "wonderful life" posted by others, and worries about whether the "beautiful persona" he has created has been liked and left by others.
👆 Figure丨Recreate the lady
The "perfect companion" in social media is taken seriously, and the "self-defilement" of real life is easy to hurt oneself.
Under the brainwashing of social media, elf ears, swan neck, high nose bridge, white rich beauty...... It became the symbol of the perfect girl. Some girls are even obsessed with dieting and medical beauty plastic surgery in order to meet the aesthetic requirements.
Every winter and summer vacation or graduation season, students in beauty salons and plastic surgery institutions appear in clusters and become new mainstream customers.
According to the United States Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS), a total of 23,527 cosmetic surgeries and 244252 minimally invasive procedures were performed in adolescents aged 13-19 years in 2022. [3]
The United Kingdom's "Economist" reported that 61% of Chinese consumers who underwent cosmetic surgery in 2020 were between the ages of 16 and 25, significantly higher than 48% two years ago. [4]
👆 Photo: The Economist
Appearance anxiety is like a contagion, and the more developed social media is, the easier it is to spread among girls.
Not only does it pose a huge threat to girls' physical health, but it also makes girls whose values have not yet been formed fall into the cycle of "I'm not perfect" and can't extricate themselves.
3. "Isolate her": "social bullying" hidden among girls
It is said that three women are in one play, and where there are women, there is gossip, and palace fights and house fighting dramas are not only limited to TV dramas, but also common on campus.
Studies of brain structure have shown that girls' prefrontal and occipital lobes develop faster and more perfectly, and they are particularly sensitive to emotions and small changes, so their minds are more delicate, they are more likely to perceive the subtle differences in other people's facial expressions, and they are more concerned about the relationship processing in interpersonal communication.
Everywhere you go, you need a little girlfriend holding hands, because girls need to find a sense of presence in the group. For many girls, this is not only a social need, but also a need to share, relax, and decompress.
However, if we open the dark box of "isolation" on campus, we will find that most of the perpetrators and victims are women.
The book "Cultivating Girls with High Emotional Intelligence" specifically points out that girls are particularly prone to "friendship problems" during adolescence, and even be bullied at school, such as gossip, rejection, and violent bullying. [5]
👆 Figure丨Our world
Rachel · Simmons' The Girls' Underground War: Demystifying Hidden Aggression in Interpersonal Communication reveals:
Bullying of the weak (including poor families, obvious physical defects, weak bodies, etc.) stems from a certain sense of superiority of the bully and the pleasure obtained through bullying; The rejection of transfer students and transfer students stems from a certain "territorial consciousness" of people; And behind the disdain for "people of the hour", it may often be mixed with unspeakable jealousy. [6]
The most common way for a girl to be unhappy with another girl is to use small groups to spread rumors and isolate the other girl. Because this feeling of "being alone" is a lethal weapon for every girl who depends on the group.
👆 Figure丨Our world
This invisible "school bullying" is intense mental torture for girls who are physically and mentally sensitive during adolescence. In order not to be isolated in the group, many girls have no choice but to choose to side with the strong against their conscience and seek self-preservation.
In the variety show "Oops Good Body", when the guests talked about the dilemma of being "isolated" in childhood, most people said frankly that they would rather choose to give up their close friends than experience the feeling of being isolated again.
As psychologist Naomi Eisenberger found through research, the brain areas that are activated when a person experiences social rejection are the same as those that are activated when the body is in pain—"For our brains, the feeling of heartbreak is no different from a broken arm." ”
Girls who are too afraid of being abandoned by the group can only choose to suppress themselves and forcibly integrate.
Girl, you've been good enough:
Please break free from the shackles of "perfection".
The BBC documentary once mentioned a word in "The Way of Seeing" - "gaze".
It means that in traditional culture, whether in the East or the West, women are always in the position of being watched, and gaze means evaluation, judgment from the outside world, so that girls need to pay attention to their image at all times.
👆 Figure丨The way to see
This kind of "gaze" is everywhere, so much so that when every girl faces herself in the mirror, she will unconsciously evaluate herself with the eyes of others, her nose is not straight enough, her face is not sharp enough, her legs are not slender enough, and her figure is not S enough......
As a result, the conditioned reflex derives the self-deprecation of "I am not perfect", which stifles one's self-confidence little by little.
👆 Picture丨MeanGirls
"How can people who can't even manage their own body control their lives." This is obviously an advertising slogan that merchants came up with to stimulate consumption, but now it has become a kind of ruminative thinking for women to criticize themselves.
Beautiful as Lin Qingxia, inferior and like a lamppost; is as pure as Tong Liya, but she laughs at herself as a bucktooth girl; Liu Yifei, who is known as the fairy sister, also blackened herself with a bun face. It's no wonder that so many female celebrities are obviously outstanding, but they are still trapped in the strange circle of medical beauty and plastic surgery, and they are "copying" the Internet celebrity face with a small V face, a high nose bridge and big eyes.
When women are accustomed to being a silent landscape to be admired, then their own beauty and ugliness can only live in the definition of others.
👆 Figure丨The way to see
Therefore, John · Berg also mentioned in "The Way of Seeing":
"Women must live with ingenuity in order to develop social grace, at the cost of dividing themselves in two, paying attention to themselves at all times, and tying every moment to the self in their eyes. Women who have long been accustomed to self-discipline are the cells that trap themselves. ”
"If light burns your eyes, it's because of the way you see."
The "way of seeing" kidnapped by the eyes of the outside world not only affects physical and mental health, but also destroys people's ability to think rationally and explore the truth.
👆 Picture丨Shirakawa girl with a strong heart
Rachel ·Simmons, author of "Girl, You're Good Enough," said she found among the girls she worked with that they weren't lacking in motivation and perseverance, and that the problem was that they were too perfectionist — an unhealthy form of perfectionism.
When the pressure to strive for excellence exceeds the maximum capacity of their psyche, they can easily fall into pain and self-criticism, and even self-attack. With this comes a range of challenges such as anxiety, mood disorders, and eating disorders. [7]
So what can a girl do to break through the predicament and achieve ultimate self-recognition?
Rachel · Simmons proposes a three-step practice to help girls achieve self-care:
(1) Mindfulness: that is, observing one's thoughts and feelings without judgment.
——Help the role of a bystander, break out of the wall, sort out ideas, and understand yourself.
②善待自己（self-kindness）：即对自己说友善的话。
- Replace defensive pessimism with increased self-confidence, don't be yourself, and make yourself better.
③共通人性（common humanity）：即思考那些与你有着相同经历的人。
- Reverse the obsession of "perfectionism", understand the rough reality of life, and accept the imperfect moments of life.
In "Friends", Phoebe is still regarded by fans as "the first person to fight internal friction" thirty years later. The sentence she advised Rachel - "What do you care about them?" You'll never meet those people again in your life. To this day, it is still a golden sentence that everyone uses to encourage themselves.
👆 Picture丨"Friends"
At that time, the two of them were running together, and Phoebe threw off her arms and legs, and ran wildly, free-spirited. The big man of 1.8 meters runs like a giant Barbie that has escaped the reins, attracting frequent attention from passers-by. Rachel felt ashamed and lied that she had injured her foot and couldn't run together.
Because of the fear of being "watched", no matter sports, dress, study, or life, they strive to sacrifice their feelings everywhere to cater to the preferences of others and strive for perfection, which is a self-shackle that many girls cannot escape for a lifetime.
But Phoebe teaches Rachel with actions, to stay away from self-doubt, refuse excessive pressure, and accept her current situation.
In the end, when Rachel let go of her tsundere, accepted Phoebe's suggestion, and tried to run regardless of it, the childlike happiness made her feel the long-lost pleasure of being free like the wind.
There are daughters at home, and the most important lesson in life must be taught to them, which is-
To be born a woman, you don't have to live as a beautiful landscape.
As long as you are brave and confident, you can go out of your own way and become an independent "person" outside the scenery.
👆 Figure丨Recreate the lady
Editor丨Antelope, an observer of human cubs.
Title Picture丨Picture Worm Creativity
References丨
[1] 《Girls as Young as 5 Think Boys Are Taken More Seriously, New Report Finds》，https://www.parents.com/girls-think-boys-are-taken-more-seriously-new-study-8605194
[2] "The mental health status of adolescent girls in United States is not optimistic", compiled by Lu Jiahao, Institute of International and Comparative Education, Shanghai Normal University, Education Weekly, 2023-11-09
[3] "ISAPS Latest Report Says Global Number of Cosmetic Surgeries Continue to Rise," PR Newswire Headlines, 2023-09-04
[4] "Why So Many Chinese Young People Are Keen on Cosmetic Surgery", Global Network, 2021-05-08
[5] "Cultivating High Emotional Intelligence Girls" (Australia) by Steve · Bidalf, CITIC Publishing Group, March 2021
[6] "Girls' Underground Wars: Demystifying Hidden Aggression in Interpersonal Communication" by Rachel · Simmons, Hainan Publishing House, November 2021
[7] "Girl, You're Good Enough" by Rachel · Simmons, Machinery Industry Press, August 2021
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