N-TALK Sanger: Chengdu will always be the background of my life

Sanger, a young writer

Hello everyone, I'm Sanger. I am your Sanger, you are my Chengdu.

<h3>Before the old Mo returned to his hometown, he wanted to return to his hometown (must) cut off his intestines</h3>

In fact, the brain is blank. It's strange that I don't know why I feel like returning to Chengdu as a writer for the first time. Not really. Before I came, I communicated with the staff and I said I was afraid I would cry. I didn't expect to say anything, and my heart was miserable first, which was quite humiliating. I've been controlling below for a long time, but I still can't control it.

Mr. Tang Keyang and Mr. Xu Xiaofeng their relationship with Chengdu is a relationship of searching and understanding, and the relationship between me and Chengdu is much more complicated, it is a relationship that blends water and milk, nurtures me and sharpens me. There is no way to forget, even if you want to forget deliberately. I came with my mother today, and I hesitated for a long time whether to bring her. Because I was a rebel for her, she was still worried about my escape. She also doesn't accept not understanding now. I also tried to see through today's story whether I could reach a kind of communication and reconciliation with her.

I met my former colleague here today, and he actually called out my three names at once. Now that China is developing so fast, it is actually difficult for everyone to explain clearly where they came from in one sentence. I stand out even more, and even have several names. I used to have a name in Chengdu called Maggie, because at that time I was working as a song show host at Minjiang Music Station. My old colleague was very shocked when he called me that, as if he had seen me from a previous world.

When I walked on the street like this today, I didn't know why the villagers on the street, when I didn't speak, thought I was a foreigner. When I got into a taxi, the driver would ask me in pretzel Mandarin, "Little sister, where are you from?" Has Du Fu Caotang ever been there? I told him directly in Chengdu dialect: "I want to cut (go) Wenshu Monastery, cut (go) to eat sweet water noodles." He was astonished, "You are from Chengdu, you can't see it, you are too polite." Not at all the tip of the tooth. It's like a northerner! ”

The street scene of Chengdu shared by Teacher Tang Keyang just now, he thought it was chasing after the bay, because he collided with people here and was "chased" by someone. This place is the intersection of the original old people's mall. There are a lot of cyclists in the photo, stopping at the intersection and waiting for the red light. He didn't know that when I was a teenager, I had chased people at this intersection and had a fight. I am so polite now, but Sanger, who was a female doll in Chengdu at that time, was not, very sharp teeth, very sharp teeth. I quarreled with a person at that intersection for 15 minutes, and at the end of the argument, everyone looked at me, and the little girl had a cunning mouth. I'm proud. This is the period when I am trying to be a Chengdu female doll. I was a child of a single-parent family, without the protection of my father, and I often overprotected myself. This is the beginning of my misunderstanding of Chengdu, looking back, how many misunderstandings there are in life.

There is a poem in The photo of Keyan, as if there are many points that are impacting me: I am not old enough to return to my hometown, and I want to return to my hometown (must) break my intestines.

<h3>With distance, there will be a hometown</h3>

I didn't think of myself as a qualified Chengdu person. I'm an alternative. I grew up here stupid, not sharp teeth at all, in fact, out of place, and do not enjoy the self-sufficiency of Chengdu. How good Chengdu is, I am more likely to listen to friends from other places. They were surprised to learn that I was a Chengdu native and said how can you leave Chengdu, including my mother who asked me that.

I can't answer. It's innate. We are all good in Chengdu, but I am the child who has been more curious about the outside world than in his hometown since childhood. Hometown is a bond for me. As I left, I blamed myself. How firmly I left, how deeply my hometown poked in my heart. Every time I come back, I am tempted: Hometown, can you still accept me?

I am a rebel because rebellion and exodus have a distance from my hometown. With distance, there will be a hometown. In this distant space, all emotions, all memories will be revived. It's like a fish in the water and doesn't feel the water. I left Chengdu to know what Chengdu meant to me.

I will think of my literary idol Xiao Hong, Hulanhe for Xiao Hong, or Phoenix for Shen Congwen. I can't compare with a writer like this, but the feelings about my hometown and the writing over and over again are the same. My brain is more chaotic, my friend Shi Hang taught me a trick, if you are nervous when speaking, you will write all your keywords on your fingers, which worked before, but not today. Please tolerate my upheavals. I have to say too much, I hold back for a long time.

My background color is Chengdu, the source of my creation is Chengdu, and I have written a lot of Chengdu's past. The first book, "When I Was a Child", is about the growth experience of a generation, and many people are familiar with me through this book. The novel is written in Chengdu dialect. It was written about Chengdu and had to be in Chengdu dialect.

Many foreign readers said, "Gege, thank you for letting me know Chengdu, I recently thought about things and talked to friends, but unconsciously used Chengdu dialect." "I can write authentic Chengdu dialect, but in fact, it is not true. Now that I'm writing, I'm very unaccustomed to speaking in public and expressing my feelings in public. If I want to slap myself if I speak smartly, and I want to slap myself if I am not smart, God will take away another one if he gives you the same expression tool, and I thank Him.

I want to tell you that when I came back to Chengdu this time, from the time I got off the plane, I had a whole new feeling, because I finally saw that it was no longer sighing, no longer feeling complicated. I can finally look at it like a "stranger", like a Chengdu person who is not a Chengdu person, because all people who are not Chengdu people love Chengdu so much. Friends who have read my Weibo recently know that I have been writing about dad lately. I didn't live with my dad since I was a child, because my dad was not in good health, and I received the city I now live in, Hangzhou, to help him adjust his body and get along with him. For the first time I knew what fatherly love was, it turned out that my dad was a wonderful person, he was very humorous, very selfless, very enthusiastic and also a very clear person. I felt a lot of energy from him, so I came back to Chengdu with love this time, so I hope to be able to hug my Chengdu again like a stranger.

When I used to go back to Chengdu, I didn't know where to go. Many of the places I liked to go to when I was a child were wrong. The city is changing, Chengdu is more modern and beautiful, I am proud, but personal memories are also lost in the rapid development. I would look for these memories in unimaginable corners.

The first stop is to go to the sweet water opposite Wenshu Monastery, that place has not been demolished, or the old black tile house. Including the noodle cash register inside is still the state-run style, with the pride and impatience of being able to make food, and when I see them, I feel that I am back in Chengdu. Eating that noodle, that taste, the sense of taste is soothing me.

The second place is Chuanbo, and the Sichuan Museum is a museum with a very thick bottom. Every time I want to see is the Han brick, Han brick is the scene of the life of the ancient Chengdu people, there is well salt, mulberry picking, dance, drinking feast, the lines are smooth, accurate, unrestrained, I saw the breath of the ancestors of Chengdu there, I am proud of having such a breath in my own blood. There are also Kawahiro's clay figurines, as well. If leisure and enjoyment are things that a city needs to advocate, we need to be restrained in our adulthood. This is something that Chengdu people have been deeply rooted in their blood for thousands of years. My husband is an architect and a designer, and when we made our home in Hangzhou, he gave me a gift and designed a mahjong table. Mahjong table design is very exquisite, there is a cover, cover is the eight immortals table, you can play chess on the top of the painting, unveiling is mahjong, I especially like. But now two or three years, the mahjong table has not been used once, Hangzhou people do not play mahjong much, I am too surprised.

Some time ago there was a debate between Hangzhou and Chengdu, who is the leisure capital, there is no doubt that it is definitely Chengdu, because you Hangzhou people do not play mahjong, I have less than four people, and finally came from Chengdu with three card holders and opened a light for my mahjong table.

How to write all this, how to look back at this distance little by little, let it settle down, now it seems that it will take time.

<h3>Me and my "As a Child"</h3>

Sorry, I forgot I also had some photos prepared. Let's start with these photos.

This is my own sketch sketch illustration of the book "When I Was a Child". I don't paint now, because I can't paint the clumsiness of that time, and I'm painting more and more smoothly now. That is the common memory of our post-70s and early 80s generations. Today the name of this venue is "Eastern Suburb Memory", and I am a child who grew up in the eastern suburbs. When my mother came with me just now, she said that this place used to come when I was working, and now it's so beautifully repaired, I've never been here.

The second photo, friends who have read the book know, is the old building in the yard where I live. When we were young children, we were locked up in the house by our parents, and we had to climb the water pipe from the third floor to the fourth floor, from the fourth floor to the third floor, and now it looks like a very terrible thing. I don't know how to tell them, I read these stories again, very boring, I want to say everything Written here.

The third picture is a bit interesting, when I was a child, if I was bullied by others I would tell others that I was from heaven, that I had divine powers, and that this ring was given to me by whoever gave it to me. A child who does not have the ability to protect himself will fantasize about what kind of ability he has. Two days ago I had a trivial quarrel with my husband, and I said this to him again, you are going to be bad to me, I am from heaven, I am going to go back.

The fourth photo, too, is that I'm wearing a red cape, which my grandmother had when she got married, and it was embroidered with all kinds of flowers, completely hand-embroidered, and she had been reluctant to do so. By the time I was born, the red satin was still very new, and she made me a cape. When I argue with children, I put it on, as long as I put it on, I am not the sanger, I am the goddess, I have the power.

The fifth photo is about candor. My mother turned out to be a teacher, and when I accompanied her to the outstanding teacher award conference, I didn't have her name, and I was furious, and at that time I questioned the leader on the stage why there was no my mother. I don't have that courage now.

These clumsy paintings are actually very spatial, what is the sense of space, that is, you do not lose all the details of a scene, and every detail is respected. Although the proportions are not correct, the size refraction is not correct, but everything in the space is respected by me.

As a writer, I'm a very stupid writer, the writer I envy, the good writer, they can always have 20% of the life experience, rely on 80% fiction to write a good work. I'm the opposite of them, and I probably have to go through 80% to make up the 20%. I'm very stupid and very slow. I can only rely on life energy or physiological energy to push me to write. So my readers are quite hard, because it usually takes five or six years to wait for me to have a book, and I probably don't have this book. I'm very bad at professional things, and sometimes I say to my editors, "Don't think of me as a writer, I'm actually a mountain man." "Just like just now Xu Xiaofeng said that independent musicians, if you follow his standards, I don't know if you are qualified. But I'm really alone, alone, like a mountain man, I'm hunting, I'm waiting, I can't make it up. If you can't wait this year, you can only wait for next year to see if there will be a fish next year.

Let's tell the story of the photo, when my parents divorced when I was a child, my father drove his van to the house and transported the furniture that had been distributed to him. I climbed into the car and threw things down one by one, I was very concerned about the family, I could not see the furniture of my own family being moved to the car. It is strange that no matter how good the furniture is without the shelter of space, the naked outside looks so panicked, so dilapidated, so pitiful. I climbed into the car and threw things down like I did, and my mom was on the fourth floor watching all this, and I proudly said to my mom, "Mom, I'll grab some more things for you." "My dad was a hard-hearted person, but he was standing next to him and crying.

These experiences have made my feelings for Chengdu very complicated. A psychologist once said that the happier a person leaves his hometown, the more difficult he is in his hometown; if he can't leave anything and can't adapt to it in other places, then you are a lucky person, because your hometown has given you too much happiness, happiness, and support.

At that time, I didn't know that I had suffered a bad life, and I didn't know that there was another life to choose from. So now when I look back on all this, I realize that I have suffered a little, become squeamish, and cry at every turn. At that time, I was very brave, and my brain was very simple, that is, to help my mother grab some furniture.

I am really a brave person, I helped my mother grab furniture is one of them, the second is that I laid a world in kindergarten, everyone is my person, I can make a girl cry, let him swear to me, write my name in the palm of his hand, tell him that from now on I cover you, so the peak of my life has passed in the kindergarten era.

In the next photo, my love sinus first opened, probably almost in elementary school, the picture is the image of several boys who were infatuated at the time: one is Sun Wukong, the other is Jia Baoyu, thinking about them every day. I sent this photo to Uncle Ouyang Fenqiang, and he said "thank you." I finally found my own Ruyi Langjun, and the next photo is that I am married to Da Lao Bai, which is a white rooster. My perception of a good man is that he wants to be as beautiful and proud as a big rooster, and he is very good-looking.

Do I often feel like I've grown up? I don't know what growing up is, and I haven't seen adults. But just now I watched the two teachers talk, they talk too well, they have something that can be shared as adults, and I am so trivial, so insignificant, there is no legend, it is some unrealistic, memories that should have been forgotten.

But I grew up. The next story is that I crouch in a crop field. In the beginning, I was the most favored little girl in the family, and my cousin, my cousin, and my uncle all liked me. Then a little nephew was born, and I ran away like crazy, escaping into the crop fields and never coming out again, intending to starve there, intending to let the mosquitoes bite me to death. It is such a screwed child, who does not know that there are more hardships waiting for you in life, thinks that the sky has fallen, and now it still looks very sad.

The next one is a lotus leaf. I want to squat on the lotus leaf. I haven't done that. There was a girl who helped me realize my dream, it was a video, she stepped on the lotus leaf with an adult body, and she fell into the pond. Science programs have said that you can't squat on a lotus leaf when you are over 5 years old. The girl was probably seventeen or eighteen years old, and she was braver than I was. I thank her. Time relations, I hurry up and put the photo: this is the chicken that was pinched to death by me, this is the little yellow flower that was killed by my mother.

The next picture, not the painting, is what the yard I wrote about really looked like. This kind of old family home is similar to the home you remember. Unfortunately, the particularly beautiful qili incense in this photo has been removed. This is opposite the two balconies, and I have the door to the three sons, the home of Huang Mei, whom I have written about. This is my father, I can only say so simply, you see how handsome my father is, handsome alarmed the Party Central Committee, I did not say in vain. And this photo is particularly like the image of Sanger in the book "When I Was a Child", next to my cousin, when I was a child, I borrowed him five dollars, and I have not paid it back, which is how we grew up.

This is our original Renmin South Road, our original Chengdu center. Just now Mr. Tang Keyan showed an old photo, and I am also an old photo, but this is not only an old photo, but also me. This is the little girl's me, and my mother's photo, this is a self-black photo. Girls look like girls think they're aesthetically pleasing to a certain point, and that's what they wear. I only now know that I can't dress up and accept this fact. Hope you all have a sea.

These are all written about in the novel. This photo is on Children's Day I want to leave a memory for myself, Sichuan Opera Second Troupe had a photography department at that time, very thick drama costumes, when taking photos, the photographer said "Little sister you laugh." I was very angry and said, "Where is Lin Daiyu laughing and burying flowers." "I was very serious about literature at that time. Then the photo, I met Chen Xiaoxu at the airport, this photo is very inaccurate, but it must be placed here. Hats off to her.

The next photo is of my mother, and the way she participates in national events is to take a picture with the historical picture on TV, which is the return of Hong Kong, and one of the men is her idol.

I also wear a red scarf to participate in national events. Later, A little older, took over the pig feed advertisement. The advertiser who asked me to shoot the advertisement at that time said, please come back next year, you are the model who smiles the most persistently at the pig imagined. This was when Siguniang Mountain had not yet developed into a tourist area, and I participated in the filming of a movie, which was very unfamiliar to me.

This is playing the village girl, I can play the village girl without makeup, this is what the director said. I worked as a program host and an advertisement in Chengdu, which was according to my mother's requirements for me, and I had lived enough. No, no, no, you can't say that you have lived enough, you should have lived. I'm going to the outside world. My first stop was Beijing.

This is Zhang Min, this is Doudou, they are all in my book. I didn't come today and couldn't leave. In the photo, I was traveling with Doudou, living on the old street in Jiangnan, and when I got up in the morning, there was a motorcycle passing through the cobblestone road, and the sound of whistling woke us up, and we lay in front of the window and watched for a long time. Doudou's father, an old Chengdu native who lived on the old street when he was a child, said, "I remembered the sound of this stone road when I was a child, and my father said that he also remembered the sound of the stone road when he was a child." Although it was not our hometown, the voice evoked this memory.

Later I went to Guangzhou. In this photo, there is a very broken house, only 9.57 square meters, and the floor tiles cannot be seen when the world map is spread out here. People ask me how old your family is, and I say my family is as big as the world. I was born in Chengdu, but I didn't have the desire to create in Chengdu, and I only wanted to write after I went out.

<h3>What nourishes me is the root of many people</h3>

Because of the time relationship, I can only put the photo a little faster: this is my time in Ulaanbaatar, that place is also because of development, the plundering of resources is very shocking, and the deforestation is very bad. There was an artist who carved the stumps that looked like wounds into the shape of animals. When the forest was gone, the animals fled, and he wanted to restore the illusion of a forest where there were once animals through his own efforts. He took his little daughter and lived in the mountains. You can do up to two a day, and live for half a year. This incident touched me a lot and made me think about how to write.

These few photos are of me and the animals. I hate going abroad, I hate going to unfamiliar places. My way to eliminate the strangeness was to get close to the animals in that place first.

My husband said that I look exactly like the donkey under the Muztag Peak in Xinjiang.

This photo is of the Root River in Erguna, the birthplace of the Mongols, which is their mother river. I can draw energy from any place where I am the source, and this energy nourishes me. It's not just Chengdu that nourishes me, it's the root of many people. Literature is a thing, you have to do this, you also have to experience the suffering of others, the roots of others. So I suddenly became a Mongol in this place.

After going to many places, I never want to go again, I am a little tired and need to settle. So when I arrived in Beijing, I lived an increasingly quiet life. But the really quiet and comfortable life is in Hangzhou. Some people say, "Gege, how come you still seem so small, don't look big, eat preservatives." "Actually not, but I can finally live and write according to my own wishes."

The last photo, which is on a street in Qinghai, sees three words on the wall "Grid, waiting for you." Someone else wrote it, and I was stunned there, and it seemed like it was written to me, and it was like I wanted to tell it to everyone, to tell it to my readers.

Thank you, wasted your time!