Text: Marriage counselor Liu Jie
In marriage, what kind of partner is the most tiring?
One of my students answered me this question:
"It's the kind of emotionally unstable person who loses his temper when he doesn't know what's wrong. Living with this kind of person is like living with a 'time bomb', it's too tiring. ”
Her words couldn't be more vivid, and this is true in life, and the feeling of caution is really tiring.
We all say that husbands and wives can't quarrel too often, that will hurt the feelings. But emotional instability is often one of the more hurtful things.
You still know what the reason for the quarrel, but the outburst of that emotion often makes you feel inexplicable, and this feeling is even more maddening.
Why? Listen to me tell you in detail.
01 Emotional instability
What is emotional instability? It's just that you get angry at every turn, you get angry for some reason, and you will explode anytime and anywhere.
For example, he was talking well, but he suddenly "exploded" on the spot and became angry with you.
For another example, two people go out shopping, they are all fine, but he suddenly gets angry and yells at you in front of so many people.
Do you feel familiar with such a situation? This is actually a manifestation of emotional instability.
Emotional instability, the biggest damage to the relationship between husband and wife, is to directly cut off communication between two people.
Whether it is a wife or a husband, if one of them is spoken, he always can't control his emotions and loses his temper.
Then the other party, in order to avoid quarrels and not want to put himself in the whirlpool of temper, will become cautious.
Otherwise, you should talk less and try to remain silent at home, for fear that if you say something wrong, it will cause the other party's temper.
Otherwise, they are desperately suppressing themselves, even if they have ideas or any dissatisfaction, they dare not express them directly, for fear of triggering more temper from the other party.
But this practice is actually equivalent to cutting off the communication between the two people.
I didn't say what I should have said, and I didn't dare to say what I wanted to say. Then many problems will slowly accumulate and directly affect the relationship between husband and wife.
Just imagine, there is no communication between two people, how can there be no problems in the relationship?
Moreover, with a person who will explode emotionally, the relationship between the two people will become very tense. You simply can't be easy, and you don't even dare to get close to each other.
In your eyes, he is like a hedgehog, covered in thorns, which makes you can't help but want to stay away, for fear of being punctured.
After staying away has become the norm in life, maybe there will not even be some intimate gestures between the two people.
Over time, the relationship between husband and wife will only get worse and worse.
02 Where do emotions come from?
I had a student who told me that her relationship with her husband was getting worse and worse. I don't have any patience with him, and I get annoyed when I listen to him, so I want to quarrel with him.
I did some combing for her and went to find the root of it all. After combing carefully, she found that she was resentful of her husband.
It turned out that because of the problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, she was extremely dissatisfied with her husband's handling method, and the two were at a stalemate for a while.
But no one persuaded anyone, no one gave in, but the days went on, and the matter was over.
On the surface, the relationship between her and her husband has returned to normal. But in her heart, this matter did not pass, but turned into resentment, which she desperately pressed down.
But emotions are a thing, no matter how much you suppress them, they will pop up from time to time.
So, it became what it is now. When she is with her husband, she will lose control of her emotions at every turn, and she has no patience to talk well.
From this example, it is not difficult to see that there is actually a reason behind our uncontrollable emotions.
In the final analysis, there is too much dissatisfaction buried in my heart, and I have been suppressing it and not showing it.
But in some scenarios, it may be just a word or complaint from the other party, which will hook out those dissatisfaction in the bottom of the heart, and eventually turn into uncontrollable emotions.
Therefore, the emotionally unstable person in the marriage, many times he does not mean to do this, deliberately destroying the relationship between you.
It's just because he also has scars in his heart and a lot of grievances, and he can't control those emotions at all.
03 Resolve emotions
Now that we know, behind the emotions, there are actually some needs that are not met, and eventually accumulate into dissatisfaction.
So, if we want to solve the emotional problem, we are actually solving the problem of needs.
If you yourself are the emotionally unstable one in your marriage. At this time, you should try to be aware of what kind of needs or dissatisfaction are hidden behind your emotions.
Like the student I just mentioned, she has always had a pimple in her heart, so she has emotions.
In this case, try to have a good talk with your partner to see if you can solve the problem instead of pretending to ignore it.
If you say, your partner is emotionally unstable. At this time, you can also follow this method to summarize your marriage and see what is lacking and needed in the other person's heart.
If you find it, then try to meet those needs, and there is a chance to help him relieve these emotions.
In fact, many problems in marriage can be solved, depending on whether you are willing to put some effort into trying.
As the old saying goes, "there are always more solutions than problems", the key is whether you have the determination to solve it or not.