Ajie is a first-year junior high school girl with a good family environment, her parents are divorced, and she is raised by her mother and grandparents.
On a weekend afternoon, Ajie's mother brought Ajie, who was injured and crying, to the consultation room. Seeing that her arms were covered with scratch marks, I reassured Ajie's mother and left the consultation room before I started talking to Ajie.
Ah Jie kept her head down, and her words were very negative, and at first she felt that her birth was a mistake, and the divorce of her parents was her fault. She often can't sleep, wakes up from her dreams at least three times a week, doesn't know what to eat at school, and sometimes overeats when she comes home for dinner. When I was studying at school, I was in a good mood, but when I went home to spend time with my mother, my mood would become low, because my mother would sometimes suddenly beat and scold her. When you are in a low mood, you will have an inexplicable headache and want to smash things, and then you can only reduce the headache by hiding and scratching your wrist and slowly calm yourself down.
It wasn't that she had just started self-harm, but after her parents divorced in the sixth grade, she felt so uncomfortable on the way home alone from dinner with her father and new aunt that she cut her arm with a sharp stone on the road. From then on, whenever her mother complained hysterically to her father at home, and her father kept coming to school to see her, and she kept refusing to allow her father to visit, she would feel a terrible headache, and only through such self-harm could she sober up. This time, it was because her father called the head teacher and wanted to come to the school to see her, and after the head teacher talked to her, her head began to hurt again, so she took out a knife from her classmate's stationery box and scratched herself, trying to sober herself up.
Ajie's mother reflected that Ajie has average grades in the class, with a bias in the arts, weak in science, and a good learning attitude. Relatively outgoing, straightforward, and easily emotional. Get along well with her classmates at school and have her own circle of friends, and this time it was Ajie's mother who found out that she had such impulsive behavior.
A 14-year-old girl in the flower season has self-harmed many times, which makes people sigh heartache. But knowing her family relationship can't help but make people very understanding. Ajie's parents have not had a normal married life since she was born, her father was sneered at by her grandparents because she was born in the countryside, the relationship between her parents was tense, and her father was busy with his career, and he never communicated well with his mother and solved the problems of both parties. After Ajie went to elementary school, the relationship between her parents became more strained, and she often quarreled in front of Ajie, and every time her mother would have hysterical seizures, her father could only end the quarrel by running away from home. In the second half of the sixth grade, my father decided to divorce my mother, resigned from public office, sold my property, bought a new big house for Ajie and my mother, and a considerable amount of child support, and my mother finally agreed to divorce my father.
After the divorce, although his father resigned from public office, due to the contacts he had accumulated, he found a position at the top of a company, bought a big house, married a new aunt, and gave birth to a younger brother. The mother learned about her father's situation, and became very strict with Ajie, even a little harsh, always leaving her to do everything alone, not seeking anyone's help, often saying in front of her that her father was not, sometimes suddenly hysterical verbal and physical attacks on her daughter, and ordering her not to meet the father who abandoned them without her consent.
After the divorce, the father would find an opportunity to visit his daughter at school every week, but the daughter refused to meet her father when she knew her father's current situation, so the father had to seek help from the class teacher. On the one hand, she was controlled by her mother and couldn't see her father, on the other hand, her father's sincerity, the teacher's expectations, and her own expectations made her want to see her father, and the huge contradiction between the two became the reason for Ajie's self-harm.
I asked the question, "Do you think your family loves you?" Ajie's answer was: "My grandmother and grandfather love me, and their love is as soft and warm as cotton." Mother's love hit my heart like steel and kept me from breathing. Dad is a man with a very bad character. ”
It turned out that in Ajie's heart, her parents' love for her was deformed, bringing her only infinite harm and pathological memories. It can be seen that Ajie's inner pressure and self-harm are caused by her parents' emotional problems, and in the emotional vortex of her mother and father, she has become a victim and scapegoat in the battle of her parents' divorce.
I found that Ajie's sense of self-identity is very low, her cognition is distorted, and she feels that she is the culprit of her parents' divorce, and that her parents don't love her at all, or maybe she doesn't deserve to be loved. Ajie has problems with sleep, diet, and mood, and when she is particularly depressed, she will have obvious physical impairments and self-harm by scratching her arm to alleviate the pain.
When communicating with the mother, the mother is like a full victim, constantly crying about her unfortunate experience, her husband's infidelity to herself, carelessness in making friends, and the status quo that she can only prevaricate with gifts, emphasizing that her strict requirements for her daughter are to make her more self-reliant. I just listened carefully, empathized, and helped her vent her frustration to the fullest. When she calmed down, I told my mother about the fact that Ajie had self-harmed more than once, and the metaphorical remark, and the mother realized that she often vented her resentment against her father on her daughter, and this wrong emotional transfer almost pushed her daughter into the abyss of collapse. In fact, he has never come out of the shadow of divorce.
Therefore, I advise the mother, now that she has been separated, to stop being nostalgic for the past, that it is pointless to pursue right and wrong, and to put away all hostility towards her father in front of her daughter, because the daughter and her father are still relatives, and this family affection cannot be separated. The mother's resentment towards her father not only makes her mood worse and she is obsessed with the past and cannot extricate herself, but also brings infinite conflicts, contradictions and injuries to her daughter. Care more about your daughter in life and study, and no longer beat and scold her unreasonably, nor can you ask her daughter to meet her father. In short, as a mother, you have to learn to forget the past, accept the reality, and start over, and your daughter and yourself will become better and better.
In the communication with the father, the father appeared very rational and sincere, and was full of remorse for what happened to his daughter now. Because of divorce and remarriage, there is no time to calm down and communicate with her daughter, and all the news about her father is negative news that her daughter learned from her mother, and she can only compensate for it with gifts when she secretly visits her at school, which makes her daughter even more disappointed in her. In addition, the father did not communicate well with the mother when he divorced to resolve the contradictions and conflicts between the two, which indirectly hurt his daughter.
Therefore, I suggest that the father should first have a two-way, correct and active communication with the mother, hoping that the mother will not hurt her daughter because of his mistakes, and can give herself some opportunities to make amends between her and her daughter, and agree that her daughter will meet with her. If the mother and daughter do not want to see themselves, they can also sincerely tell them their true situation and feelings in the form of letters, although the family has been rebuilt, but the love and concern for the daughter will not be reduced. In addition, every meeting with my daughter will be treated in a healthy and proactive way, such as cooking by yourself, taking her daughter on an outing, watching a movie, rather than being sent away by gifts. Occasionally, you can use your mobile phone to contact your daughter to express your love and encouragement for your child, so that your child can really feel the love of her father.
Ajie often has distorted thoughts, she is the culprit of her parents' divorce, her parents don't love her at all, maybe she doesn't deserve to be loved, I reconstruct Ajie's pathological memory, she realizes that her parents love her, although they are divorced, but their love for her has not diminished a little. I also suggested that Ah Jie accept her father's invitation on the weekend, express her true feelings in her heart, and don't wronged herself.
After more than two months of memory restructuring, Ajie successfully returned to school, and she served as the representative of the Chinese class with excellent Chinese, gradually building up her self-confidence. In the handling of the relationship between Ajie and her father, the misunderstanding between the two parties was resolved, and the daughter reaccepted her father. In the relationship with her mother, she took the initiative to express her concern and support for her mother, accompanied or encouraged her mother to do some positive things, helped her forget the past, diverted her attention, built her self-confidence, and started a new life. Three months later, Ajie's mother also got a new boyfriend and started a new life. Now Ajie is becoming more and more sunny and cheerful, confident and full of vitality, she has felt the full love and blessings from relatives and friends, and has learned to love and be loved.