"Lucky people are cured of childhood all their lives; unfortunate people are cured of childhood all their lives."
—Alfred Adler
The excessive indulgence of these two "brothers" is actually a kind of "retaliatory compensation" psychology;
The variety show "Brother With Thorns and Thorns" is being broadcast, and "Thunderstorms" are also one after another;
Following the "ancient style teenager" Huo Zun was exposed by his girlfriend to "Shanghai lust flow", the "piano prince" Li Yundi planted himself on the "prostitute", the two not only failed to "cut through the thorns" all the way, but fell "full of thorns", in this way of being caught off guard, hastily ended their acting career;
Even netizens have called you "Brother Who Cuts Thorns" and simply changed his name to "Brother Who Bears thorns and asks for sin";
The impression that the two of them show to the audience is also quite similar, they are all slightly introverted, personable, and polite gongzi brother image, but ah, under this handsome face, there is such a "commotion" soul hidden;
Although we don't expect how perfect people there are in this world, the image subversion and contrast between these two people is also too big!
While regretting his talent, we can't help but wonder that with the conditions of these two people, it is completely unnecessary!
What kind of psychology is this?
Many people may have had a similar experience:
When I was a child, I wanted a pack of snacks, a toy, or a pair of shoes, but because of parental control, economic constraints, or some other reasons, I couldn't meet it, so when I grew up, I frantically bought the same types of snacks, toys and shoes, although I didn't like to eat those snacks now, and I wouldn't play with those toys, but I wanted to buy them desperately...
Actor Huo Jianhua once shared such an experience in "Lu Yu Has a Date": "I liked to play basketball when I was a student, but at that time, Jordan basketball shoes were very expensive, and I saved a long time to buy a pair of Jordan basketball shoes, so after I did my job as an actor, I bought the entire Jordan series of sneakers." ”
Psychology refers to this psychology as "overcompensation" psychology, or "retaliatory compensation" psychology;
The psychology of "retaliatory compensation" is a "reverse psychological phenomenon" that is to get rid of humility and strive to seek another kind of satisfaction to cover up some aspect of one's inferiority, in short, it is that childhood and rebellion are not well spent, because the "defective value" appears because it is too strongly suppressed, so as to "liberate nature" in adulthood, and frantically make up for this "defective value" through excessive indulgence.
It's just that this "retaliation" of Huo Zun and Li Yundi is reflected in lust, which may be closely related to the original families of the two of them, and mainly under the guardianship of their mothers.
"Controlling" maternal love, ruining their chances of becoming men independently;
In a sense, the "collapse" of Huo Zun and Li Yundi's lives, the "culprit" is the "control" mother behind them.
And the men who grew up in this family environment are everywhere in real life, that is, " ma bao man".
First look at Huo Zun's growth experience:
Huo Zun's mother, Zhong Xiaoping, was once a very popular singer, divorced his son when he was two years old, and then he gave up his singing career, put all his life on his son's growth and education, and then taught him to be a "ma bao man", from the accusations of Huo Zun's ex-girlfriend Chen Lu, it can be seen that Huo Zun simply respects all his mother's words as a holy will;
Looking at Li Yundi's growth experience, it can be said that it is the same:
Li Yundi was born in an ordinary family, her mother Zhang Xiaolu is a ballet dancer, she once starred in the heroine of "Red Detachment of Women", when she discovered her son's musical talent, she gave up her career, saved money and bought a piano for her son that was then described as "sky-high", began a "purgatory-like" road to learning the piano, and later once became known as "iron fist mother";
It is undeniable that in this strict education model, Huo Zun and Li Yundi have become the leaders in their respective fields, and they have also become the "perfect people" expected by their mothers;
However, "mothers who become mothers, mothers who lose"!
From the perspective of developmental psychology, children will experience two rebellious periods in their lives, one is the terrible two years old (about three years old) and the other is puberty;
The first rebellious period is mainly the child's pursuit of autonomy, the second rebellious period is to seek recognition, especially the problem of the second rebellious period is not handled well, and the consequences will be endless;
Because, the child's rebellious period - "will only be late, never absent!" ”
That is to say, even if the "rebellious flame" of a child's adolescence is suppressed, this rebellious period will not disappear, it will only be extended backwards, and it will release several times the power like a volcanic eruption in his adulthood.
People like Huo Zun and Li Yundi have been carrying too many expectations since childhood, and the child's seven passions and six desires have been completely suppressed, and these desires and rebellions have been suppressed into the subconscious;
Finally, one day, the repressed and hidden dark side of their personality gushed out in an uncontrolled state, "Finally, freedom!" ”
But they have not been able to learn "respect" for women from their mothers, only to learn "obedience", so "rebellion" is a model of chaos and abandonment, "In the end, it is out of control!" ”
How to avoid children from being attacked by "retaliatory compensation" when they grow up?
A normal mother-child relationship, or a high-quality parent-child relationship, should be a state of mutual fulfillment, mutual respect, and mutual appreciation.
As parents, when our children are young, we should build an inner foundation for them and let them "grow truly", not "perfect growth";
1. Reasonable requirements, try to meet;
Establish good rules at each stage and agree with the child, and reasonable requirements will be solved happily, so that the child will be materially and spiritually satisfied in stages;
For example, eat skewers, ice cream, fried chicken once in a while, and occasionally buy a toy you like;
Second, exceed the standard requirements, delay in meeting;
Many times, children will inevitably put forward some "excessive" requirements, at this time we should not stand in the perspective of adults, with hegemony a vote veto;
We should try to set a small goal with the child, encourage the child to achieve the goal, and establish a "sense of delayed gratification";
When the child completes the goal, be sure to keep the promise, otherwise the child will lose trust in you;
3. Excessive demands and explanation of reasons;
Children are sensitive and sensitive, when we are forced by objective or subjective reasons, can not meet the needs of children, do not think of fooling the past, must explain the reasons to the children, and obtain their approval;
Such communication will not make children resist their parents and form an inferiority complex.
In the process of children's growth, parents are a mirror;
As parents, we must first accept our own imperfections and let the child realize our imperfection, and then we must also recognize the child's imperfection;
Normal people are imperfect, and most perfect people are not normal;
A mentally healthy person is never a perfect person, but a "real person" who recognizes himself and accepts himself!