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Teach us to quarrel with psychology!
Quarrels don't play well, a daily pain that many people experience. There are more than 360,000 members of Douban's "Quarrel Didn't Play Well Group", and every day people share their latest "Didn't play well" and "Play well", hoping to become a confident quarrel fighter when the next conflict comes.
Walking the rivers and lakes and arguing is indeed a very important life skill. After reading today's article, you may find that learning to quarrel is not as simple as "how to get back".
01
From a psychological point of view, a quarrel seems to be a dispute between two people at the conscious level, and it is also a deep-seated contest between two people's subconscious, personality, and intergenerational inheritance. Before arguing, we need to take some time to observe each other and know each other in order to be invincible. 1. Assess whether the other person is currently reflective Reflective means that the other person is willing to accept that "my point of view may be wrong".
If the other person enters a state of paranoia, and the first reaction to anything beyond their cognition is "you and I are different, you must be wrong", then such an exchange is actually meaningless. This is because the purpose of such "communication" is not to express opinions and promote understanding, nor to care about the truth. 2. Assess whether the other party is "habitually raising the bar"
Some people like to show their presence by opposing others, and they will express different opinions no matter what we say, even if we are saying what he just said, and we will not get their approval. "Gong Jing" refers to such an act. In the face of the "bar spirit", if we follow the other person's train of thought to justify and argue, we will fall into a dead end, feeling frustrated and angry. Because their purpose is to "prove themselves right." We've written about 10 routines for how to identify a bar, and if you find that the person fits these descriptions well, it's a much more energy-saving way to establish your boundaries and stay away from them than to argue with them. 3. Behind the inability to communicate, it may be a person's vulnerability If a person usually communicates smoothly with him, but individual problems cannot be communicated, then this topic, or the feeling that this topic brings him, may be right in his vulnerability.
Everyone has grown up with social, genetic, environmental and other influences, and has their own unique interpretation of these influences. If a topic, or a feeling that comes from it, happens to touch a sensitive and vulnerable point, people usually respond with defense mechanisms such as denial, avoidance, and isolation to avoid the recurrence of painful feelings. When you understand this, you will find that many of the other person's uncomfortable or offensive behaviors are not really aimed at you, but they are not able to deal with their own issues for the time being. Of course, there are not only these three situations that are difficult to communicate in real life, and different types can also appear in one person at the same time. Learning to observe and judge not only allows you to avoid unnecessary conflicts, but also allows you to find the entry point of communication more accurately and express your own opinions.
Image source: "Soul Catcher"
02
"Quarreling is not played well" can also be an opportunity for self-exploration to quarrel well, in addition to understanding the other party, you also need to adjust yourself to a calm and calm state. And "not playing well in quarrels" is not only a problem of "quarreling ability", but often related to some deeper problems.
1. What is an appropriate emotional state for a fight? When we feel that we are not able to express ourselves smoothly when we feel an argument, it is usually because we are not in the best state of communication, and the main factor that affects the state is usually the emotional state.
Our emotional state is like the wavy line in the figure: ◍ Some people will have "tear incontinence" when they quarrel, because they cry out because they are too angry, which means that they are in a state of excitement; ◍ Some people are scolded by others with offensive words, and they want to reply but find that their brains can't react and can't speak, which means that their emotions are in a state of inhibition; ◍ When the emotions are in the middle, they feel relatively calm, and they are in a state where they can think rationally and express their opinions clearly. There are many factors that affect mood swings: ◍ External factors: such as the number of onlookers and the state of the other party, will activate our emotional feelings; ◍ Internal factors: If we have had the experience of being deeply or frequently rejected, denied, or ignored, the emotional memories left behind by this experience will be unconsciously activated when faced with similar situations (such as quarrel partners with similar characteristics). In the mood of emotion, the content expressed is often influenced by emotions and deviates from the original thinking track. 2. Attitudes towards conflict affect the level of performance The performance and feelings during a quarrel are closely related to a person's attitude towards conflict. If we usually care a lot about the feelings of others and the evaluation of others, when we encounter conflicts, the usual choice is to endure it if we can, and let it go. Even if you feel wronged, maintain a semblance of peace. Such people themselves do not have much experience in expressing their own needs and opinions. When they express their opinions or needs, they are often screened in their hearts, and what they put forward is the most eager and need to be seen, which invisibly increases the desire to be accepted, and they will be more afraid of frustration and more sensitive when communicating. At the same time, the negative emotions accumulated because of the previous forbearance are easy to pour out like a volcanic eruption during a quarrel, and many emotions may have nothing to do with the events discussed at the moment, but affect their own expression. 3. The momentum of the quarrel may be related to the level of self-esteem If we are relatively inferior, we will take the lead in suppressing ourselves before expressing our thoughts. Before he could speak, his heart was already filled with shame and frustration. If the opponent we meet happens to be a person who has no ability to reflect, it is equivalent to in the sanda ring, we play 40kg against 80kg fighters, and the difference in momentum comes from our self-reduction. Compared with improving our ability to fight, it is more important to improve our self-esteem. Therefore, exploring the deep reasons why "quarrels did not play well" may also be an opportunity for self-exploration.
Image source: "One Day"
03
5 Ways to Quarrel Elegantly1.Before a fight, let yourself relax It's okay to express anger, but before you can express anger, you need to get yourself out of the state of being "controlled by anger". Because a relatively stable emotional state is the basis for a good quarrel. ▨ Set up small actions to "slow down": take a deep breath, count, and leave the scene that makes you angry...... ▨ Talk to emotions:
◍ What are my emotions right now? How strong is it? ◍ What triggers my emotions? ◍ Imagine myself as an "outsider" in conflict, can I look at this from a different perspective? In the process of quarrelling, we should be aware of our emotional state in time, and when we are aware, we will already start and easily adjust to a rational state. 2. Ask yourself: What do I want to gain from arguing? Being a "quarrel warrior" is not our goal, quarreling is a way for us to clarify our boundaries and express our needs. If you're practicing conflict management, you can treat conflict as a "job" and be clear about what you want to achieve before you fight. Be aware of an argument: Is what I'm saying now going with the other person's rhythm, or is it about achieving my goals? If it doesn't help you achieve your goal, stop, no matter how angry you are. 3. Quarrel small, don't make big senses Many people like to be reasonable when arguing, which will make the quarrel deviate from the goal and difficult to stop. So, no matter what the other side says, we pull back to the specific requirements.
For example:
The other person: "You can't see what I have paid before?"
Me: "Yes, you have worked hard in many previous things, I have seen it, I cherish it, thank you very much. But today I cooked, I was tired from working during the day, and I want you to wash the dishes, it can make me feel cared for and taken care of." 4. Summarize and be aware of your "conflict points" Conflicts are also graded to degrees, if we understand the quarrel as 9-10 points, we can improve our awareness of the conflict, and "extinguish" the conflict in time when it is 6 or 7 points, so as to avoid unnecessary emotional loss. You can summarize your own "conflict points": ▨ Object: In what kind of relationship, what kind of object will be prone to conflict? ▨ Events: What types of events tend to cause me to conflict with others? ▨ My own emotional points: Under what circumstances will my emotional state be worse? 5. Behind the conflict, the essence is still a relationship problem Finally, I want to say that if it is an important relationship, it is more important than winning a fight, and it is more important to see through the quarrel: What is the problem in our relationship? Marriage counseling expert Gary Chapman proposed a concept of "love box" in "The Five Languages of Love": the relationship between two people is fluid, every time you do something to make the other person happy, the "love box" is refueled, and every time you do something that makes the other person sad, the "love box" consumes a part. The argument is just a signal, and the message behind it is: your love box needs to be refueled. More important than an argument is that we can see and meet each other's needs as something that needs to be practiced. When the "love box" is full enough, quarrels can also be an emotional spice.
Image source: "Love at Sunset" Finally, I wish you the courage to face conflict head-on and learn the ability to resolve conflict.
Co-consultant: Qiao Han————————
Editor: Birdman, Li Crooked Editor: Han Bing
Cover image: "Dark Glory"