My relationship with my child is not generally good, but very, very good.
Although the child listened to me very much, he was not a mother's treasure, but he was patient enough to listen to what I said, and then added his own thinking, we exchanged opinions, merged each other's ideas, and finally reached an agreement.
This kind of consultative communication allows me to talk to my children without having anything to talk about. He knows that even if he says something wrong, I won't hold on to it, I deserve his trust, and I can understand and tolerate all his ideas, even if it's wrong, I can listen patiently and keep my mouth shut without judgment.
I didn't have these empathy and empathy from the beginning, but I have gone through 7 years of cultivation.
Just like I saw a video today, there are three puppies crossing the ditch, there is a big black dog with a large physique and good physical strength and it is easy to pass, and a white dog runs through the steps, and only the little black dog with a weak physique and little intelligence slowly crosses forward step by step.
And I was like that "little black dog", I suffered a lot, shed a lot of tears, and encountered a lot of parent-child conflicts, before I "went ashore" step by step, and I have today's mother and son filial piety.
7 years ago, my relationship with my child was not ordinarily bad, after he was 11 years old, he basically ignored me, and as soon as he opened his mouth, he was vicious and sarcastic, and said some things that hurt me, such as: How can I have a waste mother like you? Why don't you die?
Of course, the reason why the child said such things is most likely influenced by me, and I must have said such things, so he will learn from the same and have something to say.
However, at that time, I never realized that I had a problem with my speech, a problem with my education style, and I never deliberately suppressed my temper.
Therefore, in those years, the children quarreled with me, fought with me, and then they didn't want to pay attention to me, and when they saw me, they stared at me, and they didn't say a good word all day long.
Basically, I let the child go east, and he must go west, and he won't listen to me for half a sentence.
One of the opportunities for me to change was one summer vacation, the children did not go downstairs for two whole months, watched TV frantically all day long, ate very little every day, and the children who were about to go to junior high school were less than 70 pounds and only about 140 tall.
Thin and small, stubborn and prickly, I really couldn't control it at all, and I was really desperate at the time. How could a child who was originally smart and clever become blind, unable to lift his spirits for anything, and hate me so much?
Psychology saved me when I was at my most desperate, and the first books I remember reading were Wu Zhihong's "Why Love Hurts" and "Why Family Hurts".
After reading it, I thought about it, and it seemed that I did it wrong first, so that the child would be affected. It seems that I brought the influence of my original family to myself, and I unconsciously passed it on to my children.
In my ignorance, I began to realize that it was my own problems that made the child stubborn and timid, rebellious and extreme.
Since then, I have embarked on the path of studying psychology, which is 6 years. It is no exaggeration to say that I have read more than hundreds of books on psychology, both domestic and foreign, daily psychology and theoretical psychology.
Some books are forgotten after reading, some are written in book reviews, and some books are practiced after reading, sometimes they make mistakes, sometimes they use too much force, and sometimes they overturn. It's like that little black dog who is wading through mountains and rivers and is embarrassed.
I don't have a smart head, I don't have superhuman intelligence, but I work hard in everything I do, I'm resilient, and I can follow through.
But whatever I want to do, what I believe in, I will not give up halfway. Even if it's an intermittent effort, it will gnaw it away little by little.
With this momentum of "not steaming steamed buns and fighting for breath", I read, I studied, and I wrote. That's not all, teaching is the best learning, I read it myself, and then I take fans to read it together, and I write by myself while teaching writing private lessons.
I started reading books on my own in 17 years, and officially started writing essays and book reviews in 19 years, and after persisting for 10 months, I got a contract with two platforms, and realized that my part-time income was a little higher than my work income.
The most important thing is that my parent-child relationship with my child has eased a lot, he no longer throws things at me and hits me, and he no longer starts to scare people with his mouth, and slowly speaks to me a little politely.
This also gave me a taste of the "sweetness" brought by reading and writing, which can really change a person's mind, and thoughts will directly lead to a change in behavior.
In order to have a better development and to grow faster, I have been combining reading and writing since 2020, integrating input and output, and teaching others to read and write as a complete closed loop.
When I read to others and teach others to write, my ability to perceive, express and reflect has become stronger and stronger, and I seem to be able to better understand my relationship with my children and see more of my own shortcomings.
Coupled with the change in my attitude after studying in the first two years, and the hard work of accompanying me to junior high school for three years, the child slowly accepted me again, was gentle to me, and began to talk and laugh with me, share learning and school life.
Especially in the second semester of high school, because the child experienced the isolation and inner depression of the previous semester, I reached out in time to help the child face the difficulties together, and in the process of overcoming the difficulties, our mother-child relationship went further.
Every word I say, he will consider it very seriously, and every word he says, I listen to it in my heart and try to help him achieve it.
But now, I have long since given up the unilateral way of supervision, and replaced it with the purpose of "when I want my children to be better, I must make myself better first".
Whenever a child has problems and emotions, I will definitely reflect on my lack of education first, and I will definitely try my best to learn and improve my rank and pattern, so as to help children sort out problems and provide some ideas.
Now, I don't point fingers at my child, I only discuss with him how to do better? As for the process, it is up to the children to grasp it themselves.
I am no longer an "arrangement" mother, nor is I a "hands-off" mother, but I will help when I am needed, I will charge into battle as soon as I am needed, and we will study hard when we don't need it, and improve our energy and knowledge.