Author | Qian Zhiliang
Source | Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlgzs)
Children are like a mirror, reflecting the appearance of a family. Their strengths and problems can often be found in the family.
A large number of observations and studies have shown that if a family has the following 4 signs, it will be easier to raise excellent and happy children -
01
The family is harmonious and full of love
Harvard University spent 76 years tracking 268 people to answer the question: What kind of people are most likely to be "winners in life"?
George Valliente, the psychologist who led the study, said that the criteria for a "winner in life" are very demanding, and that the winner must be "decathlon":
Two of the 10 criteria are related to income, four are related to physical and mental health, and four are related to intimacy and social support.
It was found that it was never IQ, body size, parents' income, or one's own education level that determined whether or not to succeed in life.
The final answer is: love. As long as you can find "true love" before the age of 30 - whether it is true love, friendship or family affection, you can greatly increase your chances of "prosperous life".
The answer seems too ordinary to be believed. But researcher Valient said:
"Love, warmth, and intimacy can directly affect a person's coping mechanisms."
Setbacks in life are unavoidable, and people who often feel loved are internally stable and strong, and their ability to resist setbacks will be stronger, and they will be able to face the ups and downs in life confidently and bravely, and they will soon cheer up.
On the contrary, people who lack love often lose courage and strength in the face of setbacks, and are psychologically fragile and self-doubting.
In the early years of a child's development, a harmonious and loving family will allow him to build a full sense of security and self-worth.
Such children will have innate self-confidence, a positive and optimistic attitude, have the courage and self-confidence to explore and develop themselves, and it is easier to establish good interpersonal relationships and intimate relationships.
It can be said that love is the most important internal motivation for children's growth.
Hellinger, the founder of the famous family arrangement system, proposed that a happy family relationship is like this:
The couple stood intimately side by side; The child stands in the middle position in front of the parents, forming a stable isosceles triangle relationship.
Therefore, to create a harmonious and loving family, we must first manage the relationship between husband and wife, parents should not often quarrel in front of their children, communicate well in case of trouble, and care for each other, tolerate and understand.
Secondly, parents should learn to love their children correctly, and this love is more inclined to "unconditional love", loving the child as he is, rather than his outward appearance.
Give your child enough attention and companionship, appreciate more and deny less, and give encouragement and help when he makes mistakes and is frustrated.
A warm and loving family is the best starting line for children.
02
Parents are optimistic and positive
In real life, many parents often behave very negatively, accustomed to complaining, complaining, and venting their emotions at will, especially when facing their children's education problems, excessive worry and pessimism.
For example, these words:
"If you don't study hard now, you won't be able to go to a good high school or university, and you won't be able to find a job in the future!"
"If you can't do this little thing, what's the use of you?"
"I've been so busy all day, and my salary hasn't risen, so what's the hope for this day······
All along, we have emphasized that parents' emotions reflect their children's world.
Parents are optimistic and positive, just like the sun shining on their children's whole world, bringing children a full sense of security.
They feel happy, relaxed, and full of heart and are able to devote all their energy to self-development.
And when parents often release pessimistic and negative emotions, the child's world is always cloudy and rainy, insecure, psychologically stressful, and anxiety levels are elevated.
What's more, negative and negative language and performance can also subtly affect children's way of thinking, lose confidence in themselves, and lose hope in life.
As a parent, it is important to convey happiness and positive energy to your children, so that children can form an optimistic attitude, positive thinking, and grow up confidently and sunny.
The movie "When Happiness Knocks on the Door" tells the story of Chris Gardner, a salesman with only a high school education, who runs through the financial street in order to get out of poverty and eventually becomes an excellent stockbroker.
The most touching thing about this movie is the optimism and conviction of the protagonist Chris who never gives up hope no matter what adversity he is in, and finds a way to change the status quo through his own efforts and wisdom.
At the same time, as a father, Chris, even if he lives in poverty and needs to live in a relief station, he never cries or complains to his children, and always transmits positive and optimistic energy to his children, telling them to always maintain courage:
"Don't let others tell you that you can't become a talent, if you have a dream, you have to defend it."
Although life is very hard and the conditions are very poor, the children who grow up in such an education are rich in their hearts, because they will always have good expectations for tomorrow and will put it into action.
Raising optimistic, confident, and sunny children is inseparable from the influence of the family.
First of all, parents should set a good example for their children, adjust their cognition and mentality, and find ways to solve problems through practical actions, rather than falling into negative emotions and unable to extricate themselves.
When parents have a positive attitude and are good at seeing things and thinking from a positive perspective, it is easier to find their children's shining points.
Second, give positive explanations to things and develop a growth mindset in your child.
Treat mistakes and failures as temporary, accidental events and encourage your child to make a difference through personal efforts.
For example, if your child has a poor math score, you should tell your child:
"It's not that you can't learn math well, it's that you haven't studied well for the time being, as long as you find a way to work hard, you will always improve."
When your child is frustrated because he can't go to the amusement park because it's raining, you can say to him:
"It's disappointing to not be able to go to an amusement park, but we can be very happy at home, come, let's play your favorite flying chess together!"
Start from the little things in life and pass on an optimistic and positive attitude to your child, which will become a lifelong wealth for your child.
03
The family is emotionally stable and communicates positively
Relationship guru John Gottman once noted:
The ability to perceive and control emotions is even more important than IQ, and these abilities determine a person's achievements and happiness in all areas of society, including the happiness of the family.
It is clear why we are placing more and more emphasis on the cultivation of children's emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence is a type of emotional intelligence that refers to a child's ability to understand and control their own emotions, understand the emotions of others, and guide their own thinking and actions.
The development of children's emotional intelligence comes from every emotional demonstration of parents and the communication mode between family members.
It can be said that if parents can talk to their children well and have good communication between family members, education is half the battle.
Recent research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships shows that:
"Children who live in families where their parents quarrel over trivial matters of daily life can be affected even when faced with emotional processing.
They will be overly vigilant and anxious about their emotional processing, and will be more susceptible to distorted interpersonal interactions. ”
If the parents are emotionally stable and the communication patterns between family members are healthy and peaceful, then the children will learn the right way to communicate, be able to control their emotions well, and know how to express their feelings and needs in an appropriate way.
If parents have poor emotional management skills, often quarrel, blame each other, and lose their temper with their children, children will become sensitive, have low self-esteem, and will also copy their parents' wrong emotional processing patterns, which is not conducive to establishing good interpersonal relationships.
One of the biggest tests for parents in educating children is their ability to manage their emotions. In fact, many things can achieve the purpose of education without losing their temper.
For example, when a child makes a mistake, it is important to teach the child to recognize the mistake and learn how to correct it.
To manage your emotions well, parents can do these three steps:
First of all, you need to be aware that you are angry, and when you are aware of your emotions, your response mechanism will change and you will be more controllable.
Then press a pause button to give yourself some time to relax, get away from the environment for a while, and talk to your child later.
Finally, there is reflection, which can be used to talk to yourself inwardly: Why am I angry? Is it really because of the child? Am I asking too much of my child? What better solution than tantrums?
After these three steps, parents can face their children more rationally.
In addition, family members should also pay attention to communication, learn to express their feelings and needs in words, solve problems calmly, and do not use emotions as weapons to hurt each other with those closest to them.
04
There is a studious and motivated atmosphere
Zhihu has a topic: What habits of your parents have influenced your life?
A netizen replied:
"For more than ten years, my dad insisted on getting up at 6:30 every day to read and recharge. And my mother, whenever she has free time, will pick up books and read them carefully.
Every day after dinner, my parents would meet downstairs to play ball or go for a run, and when they came home, they would happily exchange the benefits of exercise.
It was only after many years that I realized that these were 'deliberate' educations by my parents.
In the past, I couldn't get up in the morning, I was sleepy when I read a book, and I was lazy when I exercised, but when I saw that my parents were still insisting, I suddenly felt that getting up early was not so painful, reading seemed not so difficult, and exercise became a daily habit. ”
There are always many parents who are distressed that their children do not like to learn and do not want to forge ahead, and envy other people's children for their excellent grades and self-consciousness in learning, but they don't know what kind of efforts other people's parents have made.
Parents create a studious and motivated family atmosphere, and there is a high probability that they will raise a child who pursues knowledge and loves learning.
In some families, parents do not like to learn and give up self-growth, but blindly ask their children to learn and excel, and the educational effect can be imagined.
The best way to educate is when parents and children grow together.
While educating their children, parents should not forget to grow themselves, whether it is at work or in hobbies, constantly improve themselves, and set a good example for their children.
If you often fall into confusion and anxiety in educating your children, you may wish to calm down and compare the above 4 points to create a good family atmosphere for your children, and I believe that many problems are no longer problems.
Click [Watching], may every child grow up happily in such a family!
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Source of this article: Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlgzs), which is committed to providing parents with professional and practical parenting knowledge and concepts. Qian Zhiliang is a famous teacher at Beijing Normal University. His research interests include child development counseling and education for children with special needs. Hubei e-family is authorized to publish this article, please contact the author for reprinting.
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