People who have a good love never maintain the initial freshness and passion, but accept the changes in love with a very open mind and appreciate the beauty of different stages, which is very important. We must constantly update and coordinate in love, so that it has a more diverse form.
——Shen Yifei, Reader, Issue 6, 2023
In the drama "We Are Not Good Enough", the true portrayal of marriage stung countless people.
The heroine Jian Qingfen has a car and a house, a smart son, a husband who takes care of the family, and a stable job.
But behind the seemingly harmonious and happy winners in life, there is an unknown pain.
Jian Qingfen's work is mediocre, and she is boring to and from work every day, lacking interest and sense of achievement.
took care of her sick mother-in-law, in exchange for her husband's indifferent gratitude, and could only rely on all kinds of outrageous revenge to find clues that her husband cared about her.
She spends her days wandering between various identities and "cookie-cutter, day after day" marriages, and she loses herself.
Netizens were poked hard and said:
"It's exactly the same as my state, did the screenwriter install a camera in my house? I can't lift my energy every day, and I can't go on and can't leave. ”
The most terrible marriage is not poverty, not firewood, rice, oil and salt, but the consumption of enthusiasm for life in meaningless repetition every day.
There is a house, but it is not like a home; There is obviously a lover, but it is like a machine without emotional communication, and the cycle is repeated, and it remains the same.
There is a passage that explains the meaning of marriage this way:
"Marriage is not to drag each other down, but two people who love and know each other, give each other encouragement and courage in life, have a personal discussion when encountering things, and have a person to rely on when life is tired."
A good marriage will not always follow the rules, but adjust the pace and rhythm at any time in getting along to make each other more compatible.
Source: Visual China
Adjust expectations and feel less in control
There is not only love in marriage, but also unpredictable difficulties and challenges.
When some couples encounter difficulties in life, they are not impatient, do not put pressure on each other, and find ways to "build bridges and pave the way".
Some have low expectations for their partners and have too high expectations for their partners, resulting in a strained or irreparable relationship.
There is a couple in "Gold Medal Mediation", from roadside stalls to breakfast shops, relying on good craftsmanship, life is getting better and better.
The wife envied that the business next door was more popular than her own house, and asked her husband to expand the storefront, hoping to attract more business by relying on the large area.
The husband is introverted and not good at words, he is unwilling to take risks to make extra investment, and he expands the store, which inevitably leads to the pressure of taking care of various relationships.
The wife felt that her husband was running away and that her life was shabby, and from time to time she encouraged her husband to learn to join and invest.
Soon they opened a fruit shop with a friend, but due to lack of experience, they were forced to close after only 3 months, and the investment of tens of thousands of yuan was all wasted.
Such a result did not make the wife realize the reality, and her dislike of her husband was even heavier.
Whenever she saw her husband reading novels or asking friends to fish, she complained that it was "not doing his job".
Shuluo's husband is incapable, he only knows how to stick to the small business of "one acre and three points of land", escape from reality, and do not want to forge ahead.
Gradually, as soon as the two spoke, they exchanged, and the husband would rather work on the floor in the store than go home, and the marriage was on the verge of breaking down.
A harmonious relationship between husband and wife is never about ignoring each other's feelings and actual abilities, making demands and pressure, and making each other breathless.
It's not that he doesn't work hard, pinning all his hopes on his partner, putting pressure on his partner, forcing him to live as he expects.
Just like Lin Yutang and Liao Cuifeng, they have been in love for more than 50 years, going through ups and downs, and supporting each other.
Liao Cuifeng was born in a famous family, and did not ask Lin Yutang to be among the upper echelons, but was willing to sell his dowry to support him to study abroad;
Lin Yutang also appreciates his wife's independence, and does not force her to stay at home with her husband and children, but supports her to participate in more social activities.
If you truly love someone, you will not force your partner to live according to your own ideas for the sake of your own selfish desires.
On the battlefield of life, whether you fight side by side, or single-handedly for personal goals, respect each other and provide solid backing for each other, you can live a prosperous life in the long years.
Source: Visual China
Change the way to increase the sense of "same frequency".
In an intimate relationship, if "what you want" and "what you want to give" are at odds with each other, you can't agree on it, and you don't want to change, can the marriage continue?
Wang Qiuyu and Zhu Yaqiong in the first season of "Goodbye Lover" are old-fashioned and arrogant, denying all "formalism"; The other longs to be loved, pursues a sense of ritual.
Zhu Yaqiong wanted a romantic wedding, Wang Qiuyu said that she didn't have time, and asked why she wanted to hold a wedding, did she want to show others?
knew that Zhu Yaqiong wanted to be praised and appreciated, but Wang Qiuyu stubbornly gave negative opinions.
Responding on the surface, but in fact it is an invalid expression, and each other cannot feel each other's love.
Effective expression is based on fully understanding the other person and showing love in a way that the other person agrees with.
Instead of saying, "I'm going to be good to you with all my heart," it's better to say, "I'm willing to be nice to you the way you like."
In the book "The Five Languages of Love", there is a husband and wife who run their marriage according to the model inherent in the family of origin, often ignoring the feelings of the wife and insisting on going his own way.
The wife wants her husband to take away the garbage and remove the clutter before going to work, but the husband feels that the housework should be the responsibility of the woman, and he has already taken the time to tidy up the garage.
Later, in order to express their love more effectively, they made a list of "things they want each other to do" to deepen their understanding and speed up the pace of "same frequency".
Although they do not force each other to complete the list of items, they love each other deeply and are willing to work hard for love, and the two get along more and more closely and harmoniously after that.
Love is a choice, not a stubborn adherence to the wrong way of getting along, and it is necessary to understand that love of different frequencies cannot resonate.
Only by changing your thinking, adjusting the way you get along, and meeting each other's needs can you benefit from your marriage for a long time.
Source: Visual China
Plan for the future and enhance your sense of vision
Healthy and positive marriages all have one thing in common: two people are more determined after marriage than before marriage.
They set common life goals early and clarify their respective responsibilities and roles in the marriage, so as to avoid unnecessary conflicts and conflicts, and also have a good vision for the future.
Just like the blogger Niu Ma loves life, before getting married, she and her husband had their own financial management methods and habits.
But after getting married, they realized that only by working together towards a common goal could they live the life they wanted faster.
Then they communicated in depth, each depicting what their ideal life would look like, thinking backwards, and discussing plans.
For example, start with joint bookkeeping, sort out family expenses, and find professionals to do the whole family's security planning, including debt planning and children's education, etc., to avoid risks as much as possible.
When the couple has a clear goal, timeline and action steps, it is like a giant ship sailing in the middle of the ocean with a direction.
Writer Charles Noble said, "When you have a long-term goal, you don't get discouraged by temporary setbacks." ”
The two sides twisted into a rope, and even if there was a momentary deviation, they would be adjusted because of the ideal picture that had already been achieved.
Some people say:
"A good couple is like two gears, always pushing each other with the power of love, in order to run a happier family, pave the way early, set the direction, and let the gears flow unimpeded."
At the same time, when husband and wife plan the future together, they will also invisibly spur and motivate each other, injecting vitality into the relationship between husband and wife.
Marriage is not the end of love, it is like a slow-moving train of years, some people hesitate and don't know whether to get off or on, and some people have the right to get off at any time, but they have not left.
Because they have found the happiness they want in their hearts, they have a goal in their eyes and a direction in their hearts, and the road under their feet will be smooth and smooth because of the beauty they look forward to in the distance.
Source: Visual China
I saw a passage in the "Reader", which is excellently written:
People who have a good love never maintain the initial freshness and passion, but accept the changes in love with a very open mind and appreciate the beauty of different stages, which is very important.
We must constantly update and coordinate in love, so that it has a more diverse form.
Cover of Reader Magazine Photo: Le Ziren
Love is the foundation of marriage, and marriage is the continuation of love.
A marriage in which love flows is often not afraid of change and growth.
Will take off the wedding ring on the ring finger on the spur of the moment, and will compromise for love because of the long-term common good.
Those adjustments, changes, and plans in getting along are all cherished for the lover, and they are also the adherence to the initial marriage commitment.
Believe that embracing change is the only way for love to take root and grow in a hopeful plan.
Author: Mu Yan, using words to travel through time.