Readers write:
Eight years ago, my husband and I met at a dinner party hosted by a friend. Since then, my husband has often contacted me in one direction. How I felt about my husband at the time: I didn't like him, but I didn't hate him either. At that time, my attitude towards my husband's pursuit of me was: I will not agree, but I will not refuse either. Later, I fell in love with my husband for a long time. More than a year after our relationship began, we got married. In the course of our relationship, I focused on my husband's attitude, eating habits, and whether he was lazy.
In the second year of marriage, our son was born. During this period, my parents-in-law took care of me at home for more than a year. We have a very good relationship with my mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Over the next few years, my relationship with my husband became very good. I thought we would live happily ever after, but for more than a month, I found that my husband's behavior was a little strange (my phone was put on silent when I got home, and I didn't get home until an hour later, which was more average than before). I once bluntly asked my husband, do you have an extramarital affair? My husband replied: Can you stop thinking nonsense. Perhaps, I trust my instincts more. Since my husband didn't want to admit that he had problems with his private life, I could only follow him and found that he came home on time every day after work and only stayed in the underground parking lot. It's a bit long.
I've seen cases before where many men arrive home and spend some time in their cars to relieve stress and emotions at work. At first I thought my husband fell into this category. But when I thought about it, I realized that this was not the case: he doesn't think about things every day, does he? Finally, when I estimated that my husband was about to get off work, I secretly hid in a relatively hidden corner of the underground parking lot to find out, and found that my husband was secretly dating a female neighbor. This female neighbor has a good relationship with me on weekdays. She and her husband are a weekend couple. In the end, I slapped my female neighbor twice and warned her that if I found something similar in the future, I would slap you every time I saw you.
Now, although my husband no longer has any kind of contact with his female neighbor, and I have forgiven him, how can I get rid of the wounds in my heart?
A brief analysis of Li Muzi's emotions:
There is a saying: people are not as good as rabbits. This is because rabbits don't eat the grass on the edge of the nest, but humans do. For this reason, we will see cases of marriage: some people will provoke the lover of their neighbors; Some people will provoke the neighbor's lover. Some people provoke a friend's lover, or a lover has an office romance with a colleague. Similar feelings often have an inevitable sense of déjà vu. The point is that once exposed, it hurts and feels particularly disgusting. Similar feelings can also be difficult to digest in the post-infidelity period, as they will also appear in future lives. However, after some things have happened, there is no way to undo it. You can only treat the person who interferes in your marriage as an enemy and maintain an attitude of not interacting for the rest of your life.
Why do many people eat grass on the edge of the nest? Because human beings are, after all, a species with feelings, it is not excluded that lasting feelings will occur in the process of daily interactions. You can't say that the so-called illegitimate child is better than your legitimate lover, but there is no financial connection between you and them, so there is too much disguised politeness between them, so you will think that the other person is particularly sensible. A common phenomenon in life: most people think that their children are the best, but they also think that other people's lovers are better than their own children. In fact, everyone's soul is half human and half ghost, and they can't be seen at all when they get closer. For this reason, the boredom between husband and wife is not because the lover is not good enough, but because the two people are too close.
In the post-cheating period, why are cheaters reluctant to divorce their lovers? 1) Even if you have the idea of divorcing your lover, your lover may not be in the mood to start a family with you; 2) After all, there are too many bonds in marriage, and many people also understand that the relationship with some people cannot be separated. It's too close, becoming lovers is the highest level of fate between each other, and they are not ready to become husband and wife; 3) Marriage is bound by children, dedication, parents, reputation, lovers; 4) Many people's understanding of extramarital affairs: Yes If you fool around with a third person, but look down on the third person in your heart, you will feel that there is something wrong with the other person's lifestyle. Actually, am I not like that?
Inevitably, when you expose the embarrassing story between your husband and your female neighbor, you will also feel disgusted and have the idea of divorce in your heart. It's just that after some ideological struggle, you will find that divorce is not the best choice, so you have no choice but to choose forgiveness. At this time, in the eyes of outsiders, your married life is still the same, but your heart is bleeding, and the damage caused to you by the affair itself is still there. If you want to get out of the shadow of cheating quickly, my suggestions include: 1) No matter how aggrieved you are, don't constantly bring up your husband's infidelity; 2) Try not to allow yourself to be too pessimistic about life; 3) lower expectations for marriage; 4) Leave some bad things to time.
In life, we also encounter similar things: some anger can or may not erupt. At this time, if you let yourself break out, you may get temporary relief, but it will cause a cold war between you for too long. If you choose to be patient, you may feel aggrieved for a short time, but it will make you both look good and there will be no noticeable gaps. For this reason, as an adult, learning to be tolerant is also a gesture when encountering something that makes you unhappy. The point is, if you quarrel too often with the people around you, you will find that the process of quarrels or cold wars is also harmful to you. Therefore, every adult must try to control their emotions as much as possible so as not to cause trouble to themselves.
Where is the center of the universe? Definitely not with us. So don't expect everyone to take care of your emotions. In the meantime, we do not rule out the embarrassment of lying down and being shot at some point. As a human being, what each of us can do is guard our conscience. As for what the people around us do and say, sometimes we have no control over it. Like, sometimes people hate keyboard warriors, but keyboard warriors are still stronger. Since there are some things that we can't control, then we should ignore them and take them lightly. Life is all about choosing again and again. After making a decision, you need to maximize your happiness in the current situation.
Postscript:
People sometimes live in contradictions. When they don't have a lover, they crave love. After having a lover, they will feel that someone else's lover is excellent, or miss the freedom when they were single. I was really divorced from my lover, but I really wanted to have a family. For this, we need to understand a few things: after marriage, you will definitely be controlled by your lover, but you can also get the love of your lover; When you're single, you can have the freedom you want, but there's also loneliness and emptiness that you don't want to face.
After all, our lives can't be perfect, but remember to cherish when you have them, not wait until you really lose them to want to have them again. There are no ifs in life, only results and consequences. We should think twice about everything we do, especially in the emotional realm. We can't be too arbitrary. Once we spoil ourselves because of greed, then our future will be nothing. It would be cool.
(The picture comes from the Internet, the picture has nothing to do with the text)