Maupassant's short story: My Uncle Southsteiner

Like many people in the world, my uncle Southsteiner was a free thinker, a free thinker who became out of ignorance. It is often for the same reason that some people believe in religion. At the sight of the priest, he was so angry that he threw his fists at him, made horns with his fingers,[3] and touched some kind of iron while he was out of sight. In fact, this is already a kind of faith, a belief in the poisonous eye. For all kinds of inexplicable beliefs, the world either accepts them in their entirety or rejects them outright. As for me, I am also a freethinker, or rather, I abhor all the doctrines that man has invented out of fear of death. But I do not hate the monasteries, whether they are Catholic, apostolic, Roman, Protestant, Russian Orthodox, Greek Orthodox, Buddhist, Jewish, or Islamic. Besides, I have my own way of evaluating and explaining these monasteries. A temple is a reverence for the unknown. The more the mind expands, the more the unknown shrinks, and the more unstable the monastery becomes. However, I am going to put some binoculars, microscopes, and generators in the temple instead of incense burners. That's it!

My uncle and I disagreed on almost everything. He was a patriot; What about me, I'm not, because patriotism, which is also a religion. It is the bane of war.

My uncle was a Freemason. As for me, I openly declare that Freemasons are even more stupid than those godly old women. That's my opinion, and I still hold on to it. If there had to be a religion, it would be the oldest in my opinion.

In fact, these fools are just following the example of the priests. They used a triangle [4] instead of a cross as a symbol. They also had churches, called "clubhouses," and there were a whole bunch of different ceremonies: Scottish ceremonies, French ceremonies, Great Eastern Church ceremonies, all the boring stuff of laughing at the dead.

Besides, what are they going to do? Scratch your palms to help each other. I don't see any harm in that. They are simply putting into practice the Christian maxim of "help one another." The only difference is whether you scratch your palms. However, is it worth borrowing a hundred su to a poor ghost to engage in so much red tape? People in the church, who regard giving and aid as their duty and duty, always begin their letters with the writing of J.M.J. [5] Three letters. Freemasons put three dots at the end of their names. Buddies, half a pound and eight taels!

My uncle always replied to me, "We are raising religion to oppose religion." We use free thought as a weapon to eradicate clericalism. Freemasonry is a fortress that anyone who wants to demolish the altar can join. ”

I retorted, "But, my good uncle (and in my heart I say: 'old fool'), it is this that I blame you, that you do not destroy, but organize competition, and that is only the price down, and that's it." Besides, if you only allow free thinkers to join your ranks, that's fine; But you will not refuse to come. There are a large number of Catholics among you, and even some clerical leaders. Pius IX was also one of your men before he became Pope. If you call such a patchwork association an anti-clerical fortress, I think your fortress is too fragile. ”

My uncle winked at this and added: "Our real action, the most terrible one, is in politics. We are persistently and steadily destroying the spirit of monarchy. ”

At this moment, I couldn't help but exclaim, "Ah! Yes, you're all clever ghosts! If you tell me that Freemasonry is an election factory, I agree; If you tell me that it is a machine that induces people to vote for candidates of all colors, I will never deny it; If you tell me that it has no other function than to deceive the good people, to recruit them, and to push them into the ballot box like soldiers in the line of fire, I will agree with you; If you were to say to me that it is useful, even indispensable, for all careerists, because it turns every member into an election officer, I would shout out to you: 'This could not be clearer!' But if you insist on telling me that it is destroying the spirit of monarchy, I will laugh at you to your face.

"Please take a closer look at this vast and mysterious democratic association. Its great mentor in the era of the French Empire was Prince Napoleon; The Grand Mentor in Germany is the Crown Prince; The Great Tutor in Russia was the younger brother of the Tsar; King Humbert, Prince of Wales, all the crowned heads in the world, are members of it! ”

This time my uncle whispered in my ear, "It is true, but all these princes are unwittingly serving our plans. ”

"It's serving each other, isn't it?"

I added in my heart: "A bunch of fools! ”

It would be interesting to see how Uncle Southena invited a Freemason to dinner.

When they met, they mysteriously exchanged codes with various tentacle movements, which was simply ridiculous. If I want to my uncle off, I just have to remind him that dogs have the same way they identify each other as Freemasonry.

Then the uncle led the friend into a corner, as if something important was going to be leaked to him; They sat across the table, whether it was looking at each other, observing each other, or exchanging glasses, they had a special way, their eyes blinking, as if they kept saying, "We are our own family, right?" ”

It's unbearable to think that there are millions of people in the world who are so pretentious and happy to do it! I'd rather be a Jesuit member.

As it happens, there is an old Jesuit in our city. He was a thorn in the side of my uncle Southsteiner. Every time I met him, even if it was just from a distance, my uncle would say something to him: "Scoundrel, get out of here!" You see, this bastard thing is going to hurt me one day. I can feel it. ”

My uncle was right. Here's how the accident happened, but I was the one who caused it.

Holy Week[6] is approaching. My uncle was going to organize a meat dinner on Friday, a decent dinner with an andui enema and a pork enema. I objected strenuously, saying, "I will eat meat as usual that day, but I am alone, in my own home." You are stupid to engage in such demonstrations. Why the demonstrations? If others don't eat meat, what's in your way? [7]”

But my uncle was very resolute. He invited three friends to dine at one of the best restaurants in town; Because he paid for it, I no longer refused to participate in this demonstration.

At four o'clock we took a prominent place at the Café Penelope, where business was at its most popular; My uncle, Southsteiner, spoke loudly about the food we ordered.

The food was served at six o'clock, and we were still eating at ten o'clock; The five of us drank eighteen bottles of fine wine, plus four bottles of champagne. At this time, my uncle proposed what he called an "archbishopric visit". In front of each person there are six small wine glasses, arranged in a row, filled with different liqueurs; They had to drink the wine cup by cup before they counted to twenty. It's silly, but my uncle Southsteiner thinks it's "appropriate".

At eleven o'clock, he was so drunk that he had to hire a car to take him home and help him to bed. His anti-church demonstrations seemed destined to turn into a terrible indigestion.

I'm drunk, too, but I'm drunk; On the way back to my lodgings, a thought flashed through my mind that was not trustworthy enough, but which fully satisfied my skeptic instincts.

I straightened my tie, made a sad face, and rang the old Jesuit's doorbell as if I had gone mad. He put his ear behind his ear and told me to wait. Later, when I kicked the house so hard that the house shook, he finally poked his nightcap-wearing head out of the window and asked, "What's the matter with me?" ”

I shouted, "Quick, quick, respected elder, open the door for me; If there is a desperate patient, you must ask you to do the sacrament! ”

The poor old man immediately put on a pair of trousers, and ran downstairs without putting on his robe. I told him breathlessly that my free-thinker uncle was suddenly feeling very unwell and seemed to be about to fall seriously ill; My uncle was terrified of death, and wanted to see him, to talk to him, to hear his high opinions, to know religion better, to draw closer to the Church, and, of course, to confess and receive Holy Communion, so that he might be at peace when he took that terrible step.

I added, disapprerovingly, "Anyway, he wants it." Even if it doesn't do him any good, hopefully it doesn't do any harm. ”

The old Jesuit was amazed, trembling and said to me, "Child, wait a moment, and I will come." But I hastened to say, "I'm sorry, honorable priest, I won't go with you; I can't do that because of my faith. I just refused to even come to you. So please don't say you've seen me, just say that you only learned about my uncle's illness by divine revelation. ”

When the old man had promised, he hurried to the doorbell of Uncle Lassosteiner. The maid, who was waiting on the sick, came at once to open the door; I watched the black robe disappear into this bastion of free thought.

I hid in the doorway next door and waited to see the excitement. Had it not been for his illness, my uncle would have beaten the Jesuit half to death, but I knew that he could not even move his arm now, and I gloated: what unimaginable scene would have happened when these two adversaries met in a narrow way? What kind of fights are there? What kind of debate? What kind of consternation? What kind of confusion? What will be the outcome when the road is narrow? You know, my uncle's anger will only make the situation more difficult to manage.

I laughed alone and whispered, "Haha! What a joke, what a joke! ”

But it was very cold, and I found that the Jesuits did not come out after a long time. I thought to myself, "They're going to be arguing." ”

An hour passed, then two hours, three hours passed. The honorable priest has not yet come out. What happened? Could it be that my uncle saw him and died of coldness? Or did he kill the man in the robe? Or did the two of them devour each other? This latter hypothesis seems to me very unlikely, because I don't think my uncle can eat even a gram of food now. By this time it was dawn.

I was nervous, but I didn't dare to go in, and then I remembered that a friend lived opposite. I went to him and told him the truth. He was startled at first, but then burst out laughing. I lay in ambush under his window.

At nine o'clock he took my place, and I slept for a while. At two o'clock, I replaced him again. We're all on pins and needles.

It was not until six o'clock that the Jesuits came out, looking calm and full of ambition; I saw him walk away unhurriedly.

Then I was ashamed and timid. I rang my uncle's doorbell; The maid came out and opened the door. I didn't dare to ask her, so I walked upstairs without saying a word. My Uncle Southsteiner lay on the bed, pale, haggard, depressed, with a melancholy look in his eyes and a weak arm. A small icon is pinned to the tent.

A strong stench of indigestion can be smelled in the house.

I said, "Hey, uncle, why are you still lying?" Uncomfortable? ”

He replied weakly, "Alas! My poor child, I was so sick that I almost died. ”

"How so, uncle?"

"I don't know; It's weird. But the strangest thing is the Jesuit priest who just got out of here, you know, the same person I couldn't tolerate before, hey, he actually got a revelation from heaven and learned of my illness and came to see me. ”

I almost burst out laughing and said, "Oh, really? ”

"Really, he did come. He heard a voice telling him to get up and come to me, for I was dying. It's an apocalypse. ”

To hold back my laughter, I sneezed. I can't wait to roll on the ground.

After a minute, in spite of the indescribable joy in my heart, I feigned my anger and said, "Uncle, how can you, a free thinker, you Freemason, receive him and not throw him out?" He seemed a little embarrassed, and stammered, "Listen to me, because this matter is so strange, too strange, and completely providential!" Besides, he told me about my father. He used to know my father. ”

"Your father, uncle?"

"Yes, as if he knew him."

"But you can't just receive a Jesuit because of that."

"Of course I do; But I was sick, very sick! He took care of me all night with all his heart. He's just wonderful. Thanks to him for saving me. These people know a little bit about medicine. ”

"Oh, he took care of you all night. But you just told me that he just went out here? ”

"Yes, that's right. Seeing that he treated me so well, I left him for lunch. He ate at this little table beside my bed; I only had one cup of tea. ”

"So...... Did he eat meat too? ”

As if I had said something disrespectful, my uncle suddenly looked displeased, and said:

"Don't talk nonsense, Gaston; Some of the jokes are too inappropriate. I am sick this time, and he cares about me better than his relatives, and I hope that others will respect his faith as well. ”

This time, I was a little dazed; But I still answer:

"Well said, uncle. So what did you do after lunch? ”

"We played a game of Bejig[8], and then he read the daily scriptures, and I read a little book he brought, and it was well written."

"A book on religion, uncle?"

"You can say yes or no; More precisely, no. This is the story of their mission in Central Africa, rather a book about travel and adventure. What these people are doing there is amazing. ”

I started to feel that something wasn't right. I stood up and said, "Well, goodbye, uncle, I can see that you are leaving Freemasonry and converting to religion." You have betrayed. ”

Still a little ashamed, he muttered, "But religion is also a kind of Freemasonry." ”

I asked, "When will your Jesuit come next?" My uncle murmured, "I...... I don't know, maybe tomorrow...... But maybe. ”

Frustrated, I turned around and walked out.

My joke is self-defeating! My uncle completely changed his faith. If that's all there is to it, it doesn't matter. Whether it's Catholicism or Freemasonry, in my opinion, it's just a black cat and a white cat. The worst thing is that he just made a will, yes, made a will, and actually stripped me of my inheritance, sir, leaving the inheritance to that Jesuit priest.

* * *

[1] This article was first published in the August 12, 1882 issue of the Gil Blass newspaper; In 1884, he was included in the collection of short stories "The Rondolly Sisters".

[2] Paul Guinistie (1855-1932): journalist, writer of popular comedy, and writer of genre novelists.

[3] A form of ridicule and insulting.

[4] Triangle: Freemasonry is symbolized by an upward triangle formed by a gauge, a ruler, and a book.

[5] J.M.J.：即耶稣-马利亚-约瑟的缩写。

[6] Holy Week: The week before Easter.

[7] Christianity observes Lent on the Friday before Easter to commemorate the crucifixion of Jesus.

[8] Begig: A card game.